Thursday, November 10, 2011

286- So. Angry.

There are pieces to my personality that are unflattering when they rear their head (temper, excessive eating, stubborn, etc).  I'm aware of this.  I'm also human and cannot ignore or pretend these pieces don't exist, because eventually, something will happen that triggers a beast to emerge.
I will say that the flattering pieces FAR outweight the unflattering, especially when I do the right things- eat right, exercise, sleep, work, socialize, plan, etc.  If I'm content with everything I'm doing in my life, then the beast(s) stay at bay.  Lately, when I've noticed a beast emerging, I take the time to analyze how a previous version of me would react, and how I react now. 
This morning I opened my eyes from a deep sleep and noticed it was light- too light in the room.  My eyes flashed over to the alarm clock, and it read 7:20.  DAMN!  I bolted up and realized I must have turned my alarm off last night instead of on.  I frantically searched for something to wear, gym clothes, food for lunch, and I seemed to just be running in circles.  When I wake up with my alarm, I seem to have no trouble doing all these things.  My gym clothes were in the dryer, still damp.  I sifted through laundry mountain in the dining room for clothes to wear.  I brushed my teeth and packed up last nights leftovers for lunch, and realized I would not have time to cook myself breakfast sausage.  DAMN.  I grabbed an apple, and looked at the almond butter container and then remembered I had almond butter at work. 
An apple and almond butter is definitely not my ideal way to start the day, nor is it a breakfast I should make a habit of eating, but it would work in a pinch.  The fat in the almond butter should be satiating enough to get me to lunch, and I would be working out later, so the sugar from the apple should be put to use quickly. 
I made it to work only a few minutes later then normal, layed out my gym clothes around my cubical to dry, and got to work sifting through e-mails.  After my coffee, I decided to slice up my apple and have breakfast.  I go to the kitchen, cut up my apple, put it on a plate, open the fridge to grab my mini-tupperware of almond butter...and its gone.  I move aside 3 giant pizza boxes full of pizza, a huge plastic container of salad, and search every corner.  I move aside the mustard with the barely readable label and a use by date of March '09, the cans of pop, a half sandwich, NOTHING.  WTF.  I start to panic.  I was counting on that almond butter being there.  I can't just eat an apple.  I need some protein/fat to accompany it.  Everyone I work with sucks.  I was fuming. 
So, I grab my apple slices, head over to the receptionist and ask her if she knows where my almond butter went.  "Oh, was that what that was?  I threw it out."  I look crushed, she goes on to say: "Half the time I don't know what's in that fridge, and the power went out, so things go bad."  Me- blank stare she says "Sorry."  Me- "that's ok, I'll just bring more in."  And it was ok.  Even though I was counting on that almond butter, and even though I could have brought some from home, it was ok.  I need to learn a better way to deal with the unexpected, and the first step is for me to understand that these things happen. 
I know, I know.  Its almond butter, not the end of the world.  Instead of getting visibly irritated with the receptionist and rolling my eyes or making a snide comment, I listened, and then walked away.  Instead of grabbing a piece of pizza (or 3) to eat for breakfast (because you know, my whole plan for that morning was shot) I went back to my desk, dug into my lunch, and ate some of my pork shoulder with the apple slices.  Instead of dwelling on this event, I realized how ugly I was being, and moved on.
The take away from this situation?  I've changed and I'm slowly re-teaching myself how to cope with events that used to derail me completely.  This is no different than last week and the Halloween candy, when I saw myself taking 5 pieces and eating them like it was nothing.  I stopped that beast, just like I stopped this one.  Change is possible.  Habits can be broken.  Life is so much better with the beasts at bay. 
Oh, and yesterday, we worked on push-press again, and even as sore as I was, I got new PR's- 10 RM 85#, 1 RM- 115#. 

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