Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Holiday Shuffle

I know time goes by faster as you get older, but this month has been setting records. I can't even process how fast the days are slipping past, let alone accept that Christmas Eve is a mere 5 days away. The normal "milestones" of this season somehow came and went without the reality of them setting in...Christmas tree was bought and decorated 2 weeks ago, lights were strung outside, our annual holiday party has came and went, my sister's birthday...usually the big clue to me that December is almost over seems like ages ago, yet it was 2 days ago. Somehow I've managed to get the majority of my shopping done, which is weird because in my head I still feel like I can put it off another week! Since I'll be traveling from December 24- Jan 3rd, I'm just trying to make sure I think of everything. I decided that I would not be making the normal mix of holiday cookies this year to ship to my relatives on the East Coast. I'm going to be visiting them in a week or so, and I figure I'm a much better gift. Saves me time, saves their waistline. Win/win?

I had every intention of updating last week after my work treadmill tempo run, which was awesome, but got distracted with work? Who knows. I just know that my last post here was two weeks ago, and that doesn't seem possible. Last week was pretty ideal as far as my training schedule goes. I got my sprint workouts in on Monday and Tuesday running to and from the gym. I got my tempo run in on Wednesday at the work gym- I was able to hold a faster than race pace for 20 minutes straight, then did a slow cool down. On Saturday, I made plans to run with a friend which proved to be a great decision because after we spent some time running errands in the cold, raining, dark PNW day, both of us agreed that we wouldn't have run if we were on our own. We ran a huge set of steps 3 times, and then jogged around the neighborhood for 1.5 miles or so? I didn't even get warm until half-way through the run. That's how cold it was.

Since the stair run on Saturday, I've been extremely sore in my calves. I think my leg muscles are still adjusting to running on the balls of my feet rather than heel striking. Like, so sore I have to hobble awkwardly down stairs, and walking around it looks as if I'm using wooden legs that don't bend. I ran to and from the gym Monday and Tuesday and performed the tough workouts there, hoping to get some relief- not so much. Today is the first day I feel slightly better in my calves, but my shoulders are crazy sore from many 115# power cleans, 115# hang cleans (new PR for me) and 115# full squat cleans (so hard!), so I'm choosing to hold off on my tempo run today, and do it tomorrow. I will up the pace 0.2 MPH from last week and run that for 20 min with proper warm up and cool down. Then on Friday I'll hit the gym like normal. The daily and weekly checklists are still in full effect, and really keeping me on task as far as my veggie intake, fish oil intake, water intake, and other general things that are great for my overall health and well-being.

Yesterday was a really tough day for me at the gym. We were working on cleans, and my head was just not in the game. I can picture in my head what a good clean should look like, yet somehow I can't get my body to do it. Once again, my head is getting in the way of me being able to just do something. For whatever reason, I just could not drop under the bar. Then, when we were to do a full clean (dropping under bar, catching in a squat) I just wouldn't do it. I basically had the coach yelling at me (which I don't mind) and finally I got a few in. The annoying this is that when performed correctly, the bar feels weightless. So, I don't know what my problem is. Its discouraging because I've been attending a crossfit gym for 2+ years, and I don't really feel like I've progressed much in the last 1.5 years. I mean, sure, some things have improved. I can deadlift/squat/press more weight, and I can actually eek out a few toes to bar, but the list of things I can't do still remains long. I watch all these other people around me making huge leaps and gains in strength and skill, and then I feel like I'm just stuck in the mud. Its kind of frustrating. I don't know what the remedy is right now, but I've got a few ideas churning.

No, I'm not going to be changing anything drastic in my diet or training right away, but my initial thoughts are that I need to choose something specific to work towards...and stick to it. Like, just focusing on the 1/2 marathon in the spring, training for that, and letting some of my crossfit ego lifts slip a little as long as my runs are getting longer and faster. I read somewhere that you can work on getting stronger or you can work on losing fat. You can't do both. I'm beginning to understand that statement a lot better.

I wish I could spend the rest of 2012 curled up next to this guy:

Wednesday, December 5, 2012


I'm feeling pretty stellar right now, basking in my post-run endorphins and satisfied refuled belly. In order to meet my 1/2 marathon training schedule, I need to complete a tempo run and a longish run (3-4 miles now, gradually increasing to 8-11 over the next 3 months) each week both of these are in addition to my all out runs to and from the gym 3 days a week (I run as fast as I possibly can for as long as I can 0.5 mi each way, but stoplights and such break it up). December is my "base building" month, so I'm just trying to get some miles on the pavement before I really begin a more structured training program. Anyway, now that I've bored you to death with the minutiae of my week, I'll get to what I really want to say.

Today, in the spirit of checking things off my weekly list, I decided to forgo a trip to my gym (this is really painful to do, I love it there) and hit up the nice exercise room we have here in the back of our office building that I've held a key to for nearly 2 years, but never used. I wanted to be efficient and get my tempo run out of the way on the dreadmill, and then I could use either Saturday or Sunday to complete my longish run. Afterall, Wednesday is typically my rest day from the gym anyway, and I know I'll be there Thursday and Friday.

Oddly, today is a beautiful clear day here, I haven't seen this much blue sky in weeks. I contemplated performing my run outside. I work in a pretty industrial area south of the city, my options for safe running felt limited. While going back and forth in my head to run outside or run inside, I remembered the book I'm currently reading, and how much I can not wait for the bus ride home to read more. I could read on the treadmill! The decision was made. I changed into my clothes, grabbed my Nook and my water bottle and headed to the back of our building. I didn't need the key, it was already open, and for a split second I hoped that no one else was in there. It's very similar in look and feel to a standard hotel gym- TV's mounted on the walls, 2 treadmills, rack of dumbells, few benches, an all inclusive weight machine thingy, and not much room. I remembered that the workout at my gym today involved 35# dumbell snatches, and I was sad to be missing those, so I started on those as my warm up, switching arms each time. I did 5 on each arm 2 times. That got the heart rate going. Then I noticed an Olympic bar, and got excited for the possibilites for me using this gym more frequently! With just the naked bar, I busted out some military presses, then moved to a few push presses to get my shoulders nice and warm. Again with the naked bar, I did a bunch of rapid deadlifts to warm up my posterior chain. Finally, I noticed behind the all inclusive weight machine, was ANOTHER rack of dumbells, the other half of the set, going up to 100#. I grabbed the 65#'s, placed them on my sides, and did Farmer deadlifts- these are a new thing to me, and wow, I LIKE them.

All warmed up, I jumped on a treadmill, set my Nook font to ridiculously large so when I'm bouncing up and down I don't lose my place, and got to running at a slow clip. The idea behind a tempo run is that you start with a slow run to warm up, 5-10 minutes, then move into a pace that is pushing the limits, but not an all out effort for 20 minutes or so, then cool back down to a slower pace. I was unsure if I would be able to gauge what that up tempo pace was, but just decided to see how things felt. My 5 minute slow run was effortless and passed quickly as I read. When I bumped up the speed to find a pace that was pushing it, I was surprised to find myself not hating it. Don't get me wrong, it was no walk in the park, I guess I was just more surprised how easy it was for me to find a pace that I knew was faster then I would run at my own leisure, but not so fast that it was killing me. I was running on the treadmill for the first time in months, and I wasn't hating it. At all. I don't think that has ever happened to me before, ever. I remained on the treadmill for 25 minutes, felt sufficiently sweaty, and decided that for my first tempo run of my base building month, that was good.

I think I'm going to do all my tempo runs on the treadmill so I can see that pace I'm going. That way, I can ensure I stay at an even pace, and bump up the tempo part every week. If I'm running outside, I only have my brain as a gauge, and sometimes its not the best! Running bug is back?

In other news, my daily and weekly checklists are going great. I really like the satisfaction of seeing all the things I need to do, and then checking them off one by one.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Gettin' My Head Straight

I've arrived at yet another shift in my thinking regarding what goes into my body. For some this revelation may be obvious, or nothing new, and honestly, it really isn't anything new to me either. I'm going to continue to practice making decisions about what I eat based on what nutrients they provide to me, rather than focus on avoiding items that have proven to be detremental, or triggers to me. Semantics? Absolutely. However, as I learn more about myself, I find that I really need to have the correct mindset/way of thinking about something in order for it to really stick.

As I made the dietary shift away from the Standard American Diet (SAD) to one of mostly real food (meat, vegetables, healthy fats, things with one ingredient...etc.), my choices were correct, however the reasoning behind them may not have always been in the right place. I was focused on avoiding grains, legumes, dairy, and sugar. Items containing these ingredients were generally avoided sucessfully for chunks of time, mixed in with times of "relaxing" or "cheats" that could stretch into multiple week long periods. I was basing my dietary choices off what made me feel the best, and figured out that in order to feel my best, I need to stay away from grains and sugar. Dairy and legumes don't pose any ill effects from what I can tell, but they are things that I can just take or leave, so in general they stay out of my diet. I fell into a pattern of avoiding all the "bad" things for me for weeks at a time, feeling great, and then tripping up and falling down a wormhole for a few days/weeks/months. The wormholes certainly became fewer and farther inbetween, not to mention shorter, except for the one I'm currently crawling out of.

Hence the mightly epiphany. I'm looking to eliminate the wormholes in my diet. I need to find a way to continue to eat the foods that are right for me, and 'sheer willpower' is not the answer. I know what I should be eating. I know what I should not be eating. I know I feel better when I'm eating correctly for my body. When I was eating foods to avoid eating others, it wasn't necessarily well rounded. Sure, I was avoiding grains/sugar/dairy/etc. but, I was eating protein and fat and far too little vegetables (aka, nutrients). I would always tell myself I was going to eat more veggies, and some days I would, but really the only thing that could get me to incorporate them on a regular basis was having some sort of eating plan dictated to me. Left to my own devices to plan, I get lazy and just eat meat instead of eating meat and vegetables. So, my plan? Eat for nutrients. My day needs to be a well-rounded one. I need to ensure my vitamin D levels are up in the winter. I need to make sure I'm taking my fish oil everyday. I need to make sure I'm getting my calcium, my iron, B vitamins, etc. I know this shift may seem so miniscule to some, but for me its like a light bulb has gone off.

Because I love lists, I made a list of meals I can make that I enjoy and that are well balanced to make up my day. From the meal list, I made a shopping list. For information/research, I plugged days made up of my meals into a calorie counter app to make sure the nutrient levels are achieved. I'm not aiming for a specific calorie amount, but I am looking to get as much nutrition packed into 3 meals as I can get. I now see that this right here...this idea IS the whole point of ditching the SAD in the first place. I was guilty of not seeing the forest for the trees. I was focused on elimination, rather than nutrition. I feel that may have been making all the difference in my divergences from real foods. Instead of continuing to eat foods that fueled my body on a nutrient basis, I was obsessed with foods that I "couldn't" have, rather than thinking of them as foods that provided nothing towards my nutrient goals.

To further drill down the point, its the difference between staring at a brownie and training myself to refuse it because "I don't eat sugar" and staring at the brownie thinking what it does for my body and deciding that it is "nutrient void." In either scenario, I avoid the brownie, but I'm curious to see if this way of thinking about it leads to more consistent results.

In other news, I received the push I need to begin training for a 1/2 marathon in the spring. This time, there will be no half-assing. There will be an actual plan with milestones and boxes for me to check off. Not only do I want to run this whole 1/2 marathon without stopping, but I want to beat the crap out of my one and only previous 1/2 marathon time. In fact I guess the timing of this decision is even more perfect as for the next 3 months, I'm carless. Carless means the hubby dropping me off at the bus stop in the AM, riding the bus downtown to work (I got my NOOK all charged up and will be using bustime to read), running to and from the gym at lunch time, and walking over a mile home at the end of the day from the bus stop.

I found an iPhone app that lets me make checklists. Today I created a daily checklist and a weekly checklist. Each contain goals for the day, and goals for the week. I check them off as they are completed and I love that feeling. My current daily list involves taking vitamin D, fish oil, ensuring I get enough water (90oz min), 2 cups of green veggies (min) and moisturizing my face at night. These are the things I know I am capable of doing, but sometimes I just lose focus and don't fit them all in. The list outlines a routine, and I plan on falling into one. I may add things to the list as I see fit. My weekly list involves things I would like to accomplish over a week's time- getting all my training runs in, etc.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving!

Stuck in a ferry line, here's our obligatory awkward family photo...Hope everyone has a fun and safe holiday.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

T-Day Plans

I just want to start out by saying Magic Mike is the best movie of all time. That's all.

Thanksgiving week has arrived! I keep forgetting that its this Thursday. Mostly because this year we haven't had to do any planning, shopping, prepping, cleaning, and won't be doing any cooking either, its fantastic! We are headed to a friends house. We will be bringing an appetizer, and that's all. That means no left overs at the house, no repeated spoon tastes as the meal is cooking, and since we aren't making the meal, chances are it won't be all of our favorite things made our favorite ways, hence making the desire to overindulge nill. It is my personal dream scenario!

My gym is having a Thanksgiving workout on Thursday, and I asked the hubby if I had time to attend before we had to hop on a ferry to go dinner, but that idea was shot down as I wouldn't have time to shower and that bothered him (not me). So I said, fine, I'll just run around the neighborhood in the morning and then shower. He laughed at me and said "yeah, run before you eat 800 calories." I said, "exactly." Men. Skinny men at that-they just don't get it.

I have no black Friday shopping plans, the whole thought of facing crowds on my precious day off is unappealing. I've never actually heard of, or seen an advertised deal that was worth waking up early for, and then potentially having to fight crazed soccer moms for it. No thanks. Online shopping is the best thing in the world, especially since I have to ship everything anyway.

I know sometimes I can be sarcastic and snarky, but I do really appreciate everything I have. I've seen it all over the place this month, people stating what they are thankful for. In honor of Thanksgiving week, here are my top 10:

1) My parents/family- they provided me with the best upbringing they knew how and shaped my thinking into what it is today. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be here, and I certainly wouldn't be me.
2) My hubby- he is amazingly supportive of whatever I do, and can make me laugh even when I'm super mad. He is the perfect compliment to all the areas in which I'm deficient (fixing stuff, being nice, laundry).
3) My job- I have a great boss, and we work for a great company. There are not very many (no?) other times in my life I could have made that same statement.
4) My gym- I feel so fortunate to have discovered the CrossFit community, and had a positive experience from day one. There is no going back for me, its the highlight of my day.
5) My friends- I have the best friends ever. I should probably note that when I say I have friends, I mean, real, living, breathing individuals that I see in person, and not just correspond with through various "social" sites.
6) My health- I take this for granted so often, then come down with a minor cold which reminds me I need to stop taking it for granted. I am able to do so much, and I feel good. I need to remember that for some people, that is not the case.
7) My dog- He's the best dog in the world. There is nothing better than coming home to his wiggling, excited butt every day.
8) My home- I love our house. It just keeps improving.
9) My chickens- They are nothing but pure entertainment, and provide us with yummy eggs. I'm so excited Williams-Sonoma now carries chicken coops. Its like they could read my mind! Santa? You listening?
10) Obama- I'm so thankful he won. I know he's had his share of mistakes, but I really believe he has the right mind and intelligence to continue to improve our situation. Nothing happens overnight, let him do his job.

Ok, enough sap for now. Its almost gym time for some deadlifts and hand release push-ups. I love me some deadlifts!!!

Monday, November 5, 2012

"You're Going to Crush This"

I mentioned a few posts ago about my confidence issue/just feeling sort of "off" lately at the gym. I looked up the workout for today and was pretty confident that I was going to beast it. It was right in my wheelhouse, and I was due for a total WOD obliteration. Our workout was a death by Sumo Dead lift High Pulls (SDHP) 65# pyramid, with a 13 rep cap. So, the clock starts, and you have 1 minute to perform 1 SDHP. The remaining time until the clock hits 1:00 is your rest. At 1:00 you have one minute to perform 2 SDHP. Each minute you increase the rep by one, and traditionally in a death by format, you continue until you can no longer perform the number of reps you are on in the minute. But... we had a 13 rep cap, so as we ascended, even if we performed 13 SDHP in the minute, we had to stop, rest, and then work our way back down to one. By the looks of it, I thought, no problem, 13 will not be a problem. I have been decieved before by thinking the written workout looked doable, only to be totally crushed. I didn't get nervous until 3 seconds before the clock beeped 0:00.

After completing 1 SDHP in one minute, and 2 SDHP's shortly after 1 minute, the crazy-fit-would-have-been-NYC-marathon-runner-at-a-8:30-pace-who-keeps-to-himself behind me says "You're going to crush this workout. You are built for this. Man, you are going to destroy this." I smiled. I knew he was right. Then the other two girls in the class say to me "is this even hard for you? This weight? Is it heavy?" I just laughed. For whatever reason, SDHP's are just easy for me. Especially at 65#, it just feels like the bar is weightless.

So, yeah. I made it to 13 (along with everyone else in class with the exception of one guy, I might add) and back down to 1 again. 169 SDHP's total. I barely broke a sweat. It was a good confidence builder for sure. I also think I should have done more weight...

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

It's a Trick

When I walked in through the doors of my office building today, past the receptionists desk I half closed my eyes and thought to myself "please don't let there be any candy out." There was not. Each time I turn a corner past a desk or office, or walk into the kitchen, I think "no candy." So far, there is no candy in sight. Tomorrow will be a different story I'm sure as my co-workers will try to save their children from rotted teeth and type II diabetes by putting their kids bounty from many door bell rings in the kitchen. I must remain strong. Seems only a few understand how one piece, just ONE piece will lead to weeks of destruction, and I just can't have that. I like my non-stretch jeans to fit, thank you very much.

Saying no to all Halloween candy is the first step in passing up Thanksgiving gluttony. Saying no to Halloween candy is the first step in saying no to all the cookies and candy and crap that will appear in front of us in the next 2 months. Saying no to Halloween candy is the first step in NOT having to make a New Years Resolution about "losing weight" or "getting healthy." It took me a long time to make the connection between eating crap making me want to eat more crap. You could say in that respect, I was a little (ok, A LOT) slow on the uptake. I never saw how eating one fun sized Snickers caused me to eat 13 more of them, and wake up 2 months later with no pants that fit, until I didn't. Last year, and I'm pretty sure the year before that, I put the brakes on Halloween candy and ever since I've had entirely different holiday seasons then what I was used to.

This year, I decided that I wouldn't even hand out candy because I just don't want in the house tempting me. Also, maybe its just me, but the whole idea of strange kids knocking on doors for candy had become suddenly very odd to me. When I was a kid, I thought it was the greatest thing ever. Now, I think its weird, and kind of annoying to have to keep getting up to answer the door, the dog goes crazy...etc. I'm 83? We didn't even get pumpkins to carve this year, or decorate the house. Maybe next year I'll be more into it.

In other news, I'm feeling back in the groove of things. My mental weirdness from last week has vanished, and I've been pushing myself pretty hard at the gym. I've decided I want to start running again, and am aiming for 2x a week. Some sort of interval/tempo run on Wednesdays, and a longer (3+mi) run on Sundays. The weather has been absolute crap lately, so its tough to get motivated for an outside run. I'm hoping for a cloud break today when I get home from work!

Oh, and to Jenn that asked about CrossFit competitions- haven't done any yet. Maybe I'll consider it once I can string together double unders and do 3 or so pull-ups in a row? I don't know. The competition side of CF has never appealed to me, but I do love watching and when people I know compete!

I'll leave you with sharkeatingdog. Yeah, obviously I don't have kids.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Nuthin' But Crickets

Ok, so I guess no one has any questions for me...Fine. :)

Winter has officially arrived here. With our beyond goregous summer, I was hoping for a few weeks of beautiful fall. We maybe had a day or two of fall? Smack into winter. Complete with the super short days, temps in the 40's and grey skies. I'm hoping when we set our clocks back, we will get a few weeks of relief. Whining over.

Possibly in conjunction with the instant weather change, yesterday I talked myself out of going to my normal noon-time CrossFit session. In the 2 years I've been doing CrossFit, I've NEVER talked myself out of going. Clearly something was amiss. I looked at the posted workout, and said eff THAT. It was a 300rep chipper, and I just wasn't feeling it. Weird, right? Usually I see a ridiculous workout, and I can't wait to get in and do it just to say that I did. Plus, going at lunch provides me a much needed mental break from the office. Instead, I just worked through lunch and left early.

So when 11:30a rolled around today, can you guess what happened? I started to talk myself out of going to the gym again. I almost had myself convinced when I snapped out of it and realized I was being ridiculous. Yesterday's decision was making it all to easy to attempt to skip today. Instead of just being lazy, I dug a little deeper and before too long, I found the culprit.

I was suffering from a lack of confidence. See, I haven't really been feeling on top of my game lately, and some of the recent workouts have hit me hard. Last week, during a box jump workout, I landed on a box and scraped the sh*t out of my shin, then the following day, we had a workout where we did 10 rounds of 3 ground to overheads (95# was recommended weight for girls), and after the 3rd power snatch (or ground to overhead of your choice) 15 wall balls (14#). First off, for the life of me, I could not get my 95# snatch. I can do 85# all day. Throw 10 more pounds on there, and I freeze. Its mental, I know it is. Coach tried all the tricks in her book. Nothing. So, I chose 85# as my ground to overhead weight. The wall balls killed me. The whole workout killed me. It took me 10 minutes longer than anyone else to finish, no one else was using as heavy of weight for either the ground to overhead or wall ball, but STILL...10 minutes longer than anyone.

This week I was determined to shake it off and get into the groove again, but I was derailed on Tuesday by 5 rep max deadlift day. I love deadlift day! I looked up my previous 5 rep max ( 205#) and decided I wanted to hit 225#. Then, on FB one of my gym buddies posted how she PR'd and hit 255# for 5!!!! I felt a lot of pressure, and decided I wouldn't be happy unless I hit 235# for 5. I ended up getting 215#. While it was still a 10# PR for me, I felt defeated. I mean, this other girl hasn't been CrossFitting as long as me, and yet she keeps making huge gains. What gives? I began to violate my first rule of success. Don't compare yourself to others. Only compare yourself to you.

Once I realized this was the root of my hesitance today, I changed into my gym clothes, downed some BCAA's and of course, knew I wasn't going to regret going. You know what I did today? A 95# snatch. 3 times!!! My first time ever getting a 95# snatch. Don't get me wrong, it was not pretty. But I knew I could do it, and now I can move on with that number under my belt. It will get easier. Then one day I'll get into the triple digits. Perhaps yesterday was a mental break I needed. After our Olympic lifting session (which was a pretty solid workout in itself) we did 3 rounds of 4 minuteTabata's, each round was alternating between 2 exercises AKA, my favorite thing in the world. You are moving so fast for such a short time, and you are alternating exercises, its TOO SHORT TO SUCK (TWSS?). I love it. And, I love how drenched in sweat I get for only 12 minutes of work. Now, all is right in the world.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Questions? I got Answers. Maybe.

I'm ready for my life to settle down any day now...I just don't see that happening anytime soon. I know I say this all the time, but I can't believe its practically the end of October! Then it will be Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Years...then 2013. Holy frickin crap!

I would like to take a moment and address the comment left on my last post about "how I know when my body is using fat for energy rather than sugar/carbohydrates." There are a few simple answers to this, and a few not-so-simple answers. First off, I know its going to sound cliche, but, I just know? I feel different. I think different. Of course, I'm sure people are rolling their eyes at this point. That is fair. These are the not-so-simple answers, because they are entirely subjective. My feeling "different" is also accompanied by (Sorry if this is TMI) a change in the way my urine smells. This is the simplest answer I can give that is backed up by something real- excess Ketones in my urine. Generally, I feel the "difference" in myself, and then shortly thereafter my feeling is backed up by noticing a change in the way my urine smells. That is why I claim to know the exact moment my body flips the switch.

Last week I was in Denver for work training, and I met a really nice girl. We were in the same car from the airport to the hotel. We hit it off immediately. This doesn't really happen that to me that often- finding someone that I click with right away, especially a female, so that is why it is so noteworty. But, that's not the point of this story. After a few minutes of chatting, we decided to go to dinner together since we arrived at the hotel late from traveling from our respective locations, and hadn't eaten yet. Then she drops the Vegan bomb. I instantly bite my tongue. I relaxed and changed the subject, no need to discuss my personal eating habits as I'm sure her reasons are just as personal as mine. That's called being an adult. However, I will mention here that in the two meals we shared together (separate days at the hotel southwestern themed restaurant), both times she ordered chips and guacamole as her full meal. Vegan? Yes. Packed with nutrients? Eh, I think there were better choices on the menu.
Kinda reminded me of how Norma mentions her "vegetarian" phase as being her most unhealthy. Either way, I did not let her food choices distract from how fun she was to hang out with. It sucks going to meetings where you don't know anyone, and you just hope that all the people there aren't total nerds. We had fun, and showed some of the nerds how to have fun too.

I started my day right today with some fish oil, a scramble of backyard eggs from the ladies with some peppers and a (single) chicken sausage. That will hold me just fine until I hit the gym at noon (I'll down some BCAA's prior to workout) and then I'll eat my awesome protein packed lunch and an apple with almond butter for my "treat." Haven't decided on dinner yet, but we have a big tub of baby spinach that needs to get eaten, so I may start there. Our workout today looks pretty brutal, and even has a time cap. 15 minutes to get a lot of work in- 55 Kb Snatches and OH lunges on each side (110 total) 55 lateral burpee box jumps (perform burpee then jump laterally over a box, or laterally jump on top of box then down to other side) and 55 star jumps.

Maybe its just me, but there seems to be a lot of chatter lately on the interwebs about running, running 5K's, half-marathons, etc. Its kinda making me miss running. Maybe its time I revisit the half marathon...

Oh, and on an unrelated note, I think when bloggers host a Q/A session, its kinda fun. If anyone has any questions they want to ask me, ask away in the comments and I'll answer. I may not have enough readers for this to be successful, but we'll see!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

State of my Union

Heh. Not like civil union, although, we did celebrate our one month anniversary yesterday (I know, we're dumb). My union, as in the state of ME. I feel that as someone who likes to write about personal nutrition and exercise, I owe readers periodic status updates as to where I'm at. There is nothing worse than thinking you are reading the blog of someone focused on bettering their health, only to find them spinning their wheels. So without further ado, lets recap the last 12 months:

September 2011- proclaimed 1 year of challenging myself to strict Paleo
October 2011- still going strong. Down 5ish pounds
November-December 2011- eh, doing ok down a few more pounds. Trip to Vegas, holiday treats creeped in.
January 2012- Holiday bloat in full effect, 7ish pounds lower than September, but in need of reset
February 2012- Reset month. End of February- lowest weight for me in 6+ years (18lbs lower than September 2011).
March 2012- Rebelled against reset month, but not in a super crazy way and was able to keep weight loss off.
April 2012- Decided to ditch my year long challenge, I was bored? IDK, I'm sure I had some good excuse at the time (see post from April 2, 2011 if curious). I was eating good somedays, not so good others, not out of control, gained 3 pounds since Feb low
May 2012- same as April, but began praciticing IF- loved IF, and was essentially able to eat what I wanted and maintain weight (a bad discovery for a sugar addict)
June 2012- Same as May, continued IF, same weight
July 2012- Same as June, continued IF, same weight
August 2012- reset month. Lost the 3 pounds, back to Feb low.
September 2012- wedding celebrations, slight rebel against reset eating, gained 3-5 lbs from low weight.
October 2012- Continued celebrations into first part of month. See bad habits creeping in. Gained 2 more lbs. I know what I have to do.

So, I'm still 11 pounds less than I was a year ago (progress) but typing out how the year went is not so stellar, if all we look at is pounds lost. I am a work in progress.

As far as capabilites, I've hit more PR's over the past year then I can count. Some current stats:
Max back squat (hips below parallel)- 235# (October 2011, I'm guessing it was around 205#?)
Deadlift- 245# (October 2011, again, guessing- 215#?)
Strict press- 95# (October 2011, guessing- 80#?)
Push press- 125# (October 2011, guessing- 105#)
400m run- 1:50 (October 2011- 2:20? still recovering from ankle at that time)
Max box jump- 27.5" (October 2011- not possible, still recovering from ankle)
Pull-up progression- green band (medium thickness) (October 2011- performing jumping pull-ups only)

This makes me happy, seeing some pretty large strength gains while losing 11 pounds. Hmm, perhaps the 11 pounds lost over the course of the year were not composed of simply water and lean muscle tissue.

Periodically, I like to do a reset on my eating. Since learning tremendous amounts about what works for me and what doesn't over the past 2+ years, occasionally I feel the need to get back to basics and re-test my tolerances, adjust my macros. What does this mean exactly? Well, for me, it means ditching all the little bits of sugar that have slowly crept into my diet. It means making sure my insulin response is working correctly by ditching the starchy carbs, and limiting fruit. It means kicking my body back into ketosis, which I've been out of since the before the wedding (over a month now!). It means drastically increasing my protein and vegetable intake. It means drinking a crap ton of water everyday, and it means being so incredibly boring for 4 weeks or so (no alcohol, eating the same things over and over).

The goal of this little exercise is to remind myself how good I feel when I'm fueling my body with the correct nutrients. I'm not trying to lose "weight." I'm not trying to fit into any specific outfit or see some number on a scale. The only thing I'm interested in is making my body as efficient as possible. I want to make sure that my body is able to access my fat stores and use those for energy. This switch takes time. I've mentioned before that I can tell the exact moment my body flips this switch. It's incredible.

I'm sure people are reading this and thinking, "if she knows what she needs to eat to feel good, why doesn't she just do that, always?!" Oh, boy. If I knew the answer to that question, I'd be one rich lady. The only thing I do know, is that I HAVE found what works for me. I feel so much more at ease with the concept of ditching conventional dietary advice. Also, I find that even my fit/healthy friends perform periodic "checks" where they focus on cleaning up their diet and/or focus on training for something for a period of time. Taking a few weeks to be strict with myself is something that I am no longer ashamed of, in fact I see it as a means to continuing my long term awarness, and a sign that my thoughts towards food/nutrition are reaching a more sane and balanced place. One important thing to point out is the scale of which this reset encompasses. This is not me going from a standard american diet to the Whole30, like the first time I tested eating real food/"paleo"/what have you back in 2010. This is me going from occasionally eating some rice with dinner, or having some chocolate for dessert, or drinking a glass of wine after work to NOT doing those things for a period of time.

After these next few weeks or so as I get my system up and going (fat adapted), I will resume my intermittent fasting. I really love the schedule of having a small eating period (1pm- 7pm) and performing my workouts fasted.

Here we go (again) Ctrl+Alt+Del

Tuesday, October 9, 2012


It is inevitiable with anything "different" or "new" that goes public there will be immediate supporters, immediate skeptics, and immediate haters. Examples include: anything made by Apple, cellular phones, Pepsi clear, get the point. Support, skepticism, and doubt are all normal reactions. Time is the true test of of what sticks and what does not. Remember when everyone on a cell phone was an asshole? HA! Look at us now! Pepsi clear on the other hand, that was never going to make it.

When I first heard about CrossFit a little over 2 years ago, I thought "wow, those workouts are badass. I want to be badass." The more research I did, the more it appealed to me. Of course, I've been active my whole life. Gyms/running/sports etc. were not new to me, nor were they ever viewed by me as a chore. I've always loved exercising (but loved eating more?), I've always been competitive, and I knew that if the CrossFit I was reading about was anything like the images I had conjured up in my mind, I would love it.

I get the major criticisms. I get that whenever someone is doing CrossFit, that's all they fucking talk about. I get that its sort of culty. I get that some gyms royally screw up the programming and injure clients. I get that in the fast pace growth of boxes popping up everywhere there are some locations that are not going to be as high quality as others. I get that Paleo diet talk is annoying. I get that it is not for everyone.

As humans we seek social community. We want to feel part of something, whether it be religion, a sporting team, chess club, poker night, book club, etc. we want to surround ourselves with like minded individuals. We want to feel validated in what we do, and point out how everyone else is wrong for not wanting what we want. Again, this is totally normal. Unless of course you are unable to see this behavior in yourself, and get legitimately pissed off when people don't want to join your cult. That's just crazy.

Yesterday was a reminder of what sets CrossFit apart from any exercise (gym/or on my own) I have done or belonged to in the past. I received a personal FB message from a guy that had just started coming to the gym maybe 6 months ago. He is very socialble, and it wasn't long before he was regularly cracking up the noon class with his antics. I even invited him to come to my wedding (which he did). His message said that he got a new job, and therefore would be attending a new (different) CrossFit gym. I was pretty bummed, but hoped that his new job was something he was hoping for. I responded with a quick note. About 1 hour later, when I pulled into the parking lot of the gym, I see his car there, and 4 of the other "regular" noon-time buddies crowded around the car laughing and giving him a hard time for saying good-bye to us, then showing up. It was a perfect sunny fall day, and it took me a few minutes to realize that no coaches were at the gym, and everyone was standing in the parking lot not only to socialize with the guy, but because we were locked out! It was still a little early, so we figured whoever was coaching was just a little late. No big deal. More minutes passed, and reality set in that no coaches were showing up.

The workout for the day had been posted the night before, including the warm-up, so we knew what we had to do. The workout was 5 rounds of: Run 400m, 5 deadlifts (115#). As luck would have it, there are 8 tires stacked up outside the doors to the gym. Without even thinking, all of us knew we would be running and flipping tires as a deadlift substitute. One guy turned his car stereo on, opened up his doors, and lead us through the warm-up. We found a phone to use as a timer, and wasted no time getting to it. At the time, it all happened without any second thoughts. There was no talk about leaving because no coaches were there, there was no discussion about what to do for a workout because the workout that was written was one we could do nearly exactly with the equipment we had in the parking lot. There was no effing off because there were no coaches there. It didn't really hit me until I got back to the office just how awesome the whole scenario was.

CrossFit has proved itself to be my community. I feel bad missing a day because I might miss a story from a workout buddy, or miss someone PR on a lift. Heading to CrossFit is my favorite part of the day, I get to put on my spandies and sweat it out with people that are there for the same reason I am. When we are faced with challenges, either in the gym, or outside in life, we help each other get through it. I'm inspired everyday by people at the gym. I've been very fortunate to only be exposed to quality gyms with quality instruction. Never did I expect my gym buddies to become close friends, but that is exactly what has happened.

So yes, I get that CrossFit is not for everyone. I just hope that whatever community someone chooses, it makes them feel as welcome and as awesome as CrossFit makes me feel!

Friday, October 5, 2012

Kick in the Pants

Sometimes we all need a little kick in the pants. Like say you are going about your business everyday, thinking you are a good, hard working individual. An opportunity for a promotion pops up, so you apply. Your interview goes well, you start getting excited for all the manicures you can afford with a new salary, and then, you don't get the job. Or like how you go to the gym everyday and kick your butt (or so you think) and then a new trainer comes along and TAKES AWAY YOUR HEAVIER WEIGHT AND REPLACES IT WITH A LIGHTER ONE. Or how you think you have this awesome sex life and then your boyfriend cheats on you. Clearly these scenarios are hypothetical. Except for maybe a trainer replacing my 35# Kb with a 25# Kb during single arm Kb thrusters in a warm up. And clearly, I'm over it.

Seriously though. An event or action or decision or circumstance that rockets you out of your comfort zone and gives you a split second view of reality often is the best possible thing that can happen. Chances are you won't see it like that at the time, but eventually, you will. Upon receiving the "kick in the pants," there are two options. Continue along the same path you are currently on, or change somehow, someway, something. After not getting the promotion, one might re-evaluate how hard they are working versus how hard they think they are working and make some adjustments. Or one might just get bitter. Upon learning your bf is cheating on you, one might leave him. Or, some (I don't know who) would ignore it/pretend its not happening. See what I'm getting at?

This new trainer at my gym is turning out to be a kick in the pants.
1) The first time I we ever met- without her ever have seen me do anything, or knowing my history, abilities, or anything she made me change to a lighter weight Kb than I normally use for things.
This had several different effects on me. First I was kind of irritated. I mean, I chose a weight I was comfortable with. Who was she to change that? Then, when I used the lighter weight she gave me and it was like stupidly easy, I felt like I was super strong. Yeah, I'll show her! Lastly, I realized that maybe I'm an idiot and I need to just let her do her job, and stop being obsessed with the numbers on the side of a Kb, as if that is somehow a reflection of my worth.

2) Same day- post workout. It was my second workout back from 2 weeks off (honeymoon, etc.). I felt ok cardio/lung wise but it was clear from our toes to bar segment of the workout that some of my grip strength had left me. She called me over to the pull-up bars after a 12 minute workout that involved many toes to bar. My hands were shot. She told me she wanted me to practice "pulling down the bar" as I swung my legs up towards the bar. I grabbed onto the bar, swung wildly, more like I was being electrocuted than a controlled swing. I jumped down, looked at her, and she said flatly "ok. we're done with that for today." Then she went on to say "but, before class everyday, I want you practicing these scap pulls*."

3) The second time we ever met- everyone in class was setting up their stations for a circuit of push-pull-squat-lunge-twist-flex-extend. Any barbell moves were to be done with 65# for girls, 95# for boys. The workout was 4 rounds of: unknown reps of each of the following movements- push press (65#), Sumo Deadlift High Pull (65#), box jumps, lunge-jump over cone, Russian twist, sit-ups, back extensions. The reps were to be decided by a deck of cards, and change each time they are "dealt" over the four rounds. I set up my bar for 65#, and trainer comes over to me and says "um, can you push press 65#?" I looked at her kinda funny, and said "yes." I was thinking Really? Who can't push press 65#? Then she said, "well some people pick a weight they can sumo high pull, but they can't push press it" and walked away.

4) Same day- post workout. I chalked up my hands and walked over to the pull-up bar. It was just me and new trainer in the gym now, since pretty much everyone leaves right after the workout. I told her I need to get on a program for my pull-ups, and she told me to start doing 50 pull-ups after every workout that didn't include pull-ups. I stared at her blankly. "I can't even do one unassisted." "Well, thats fine" she said. "Work on those scap pulls. Do 50." I grabbed onto the bar and did 10. Rested, did 13 more, then went for more chalk/escape (my hands were killing me). We were just talking about stuff, and I was planning on heading out. Then she says "um, I know you haven't done 50 yet." Damn. I see how this is going to be. I got back on the bar and I could only knock out 5 or so at a time. I had to keep re-chalking cause my palms get so damn sweaty. Then my forearms seized up into one huge cramp in each arm. Its a feeling I've had many times at Crossfit, so no need to panic, just shake it out. Non-chalantly I mentioned my fore-arms were on fire. Not as a complaint, just a fact, and she says almost sarcastically, but definitely with no sympathy "oh, I'm sorry." It made me laugh so hard. It was right then I fell in love, and finished my last 7 scap pulls.

New kick in the pants trainer, I love you. I don't want to be coddled, I don't want to be babied, I just want the facts, and I realize the harder I work, the harder you are going to work with me. See, its not YOUR responsibility to make me better. Its MY responsibility. You will do everything in your power to help me, but it needs to come from me. Challenge accepted.

*Scap pulls- short for scapula pulls- hanging from a pull-up bar, engage your shoulders and pull your shoulder blades (scapula) together. When done properly (even adding in a little controlled swing) your body gets a slight upwards lift towards the bar. The better you get at it, the more height you get.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Hmmm...Where Was I?

Its 11am and a dull ache in my feet has begun. Its been two whole weeks since I've stood at my desk, responding to e-mails, staring at excel spreadsheets, fielding phone calls, and sorting through the various papers that need homes. I forgot that when I initially got a standing desk, there was a slight adjustment period for my feet. Two weeks of vacation might as well have been a year. The things that happened before I left feel like ages ago. It feels like so much should of happened here in the past two weeks, yet, it appears that nothing did! Catching up is a lot easier then I expected. vacation. It consisted of 4 days of super stress, 8 days of enchantment/mystery/sensory overload and 2 days of semi-relaxed bliss (or jet-lag, however you want to see it). It was definitely the preferred order of operations. Now that I've had time to decompress, I can look back and see how somehow, someway, we pulled off an intricate dance of serious house projects, large party planning, cleaning, east coast relatives visiting, caterer, tent rental, decorations, appetizer making, friend visits, distant travel, and everything in between. The past 2 weeks rank among the most amazing weeks of my life.

Now its back to the grind. Back to work. No more 2-a-day naps (what? 10 time zones will do that). Back to eating my preferred diet. No more wedding/honeymoon splurges. Yes, in Turkey I ate baklava nearly everyday. I get married and go to Turkey once every...33 years. Back to my gym. No more backyard workouts or workouts in a 20 square foot 90 degree hotel gym with 110% humidity. I'm so happy to be home, thankful for my incredible friends and family, and so happy to get back to my routine. Oh, how I love my routine.

I've been slowly catching up on my blog reading, and looks like the status quo remains. The ones who rock it continue to rock it, and the ones who suck continue to suck. Just like in real life.

And now...picking up where I left off...

Monday, September 10, 2012

Change of Plans

I'm a planner. I like schedules, knowing what to do, knowing how things are going to be, etc. Yesterday, I was super excited about the idea of doing a track workout at the beautiful school track 3 blocks from my house. I envisioned a workout of 5 rounds- 100m sprint, 20 burpees. It was sure to be a butt kicker, and the weather was an nice overcast 65 degrees or so, perfect for running.

I changed into my workout gear and headed out the door towards the track. As I approached the school, I heard lots of noise. I knew exactly what it was...a soccer game. In the center of the track I wanted to sprint on. Damn. I had to think quick- what to do, what to do...then I remembered 3 blocks the OTHER way is a high school with an equally nice track. I walked that way. When I got close I saw soccer practice going on, way less spectators, but still, I didn't want to draw attention to myself as I performed burpees on their sidelines in my neon pink pants. Right next to the soccer/football/track was a huge empty baseball field. IT had a super nice infield with that fake green/rubber stuff that throws tiny black rubber balls into your shoes. I looked for where I could run sprints, and didn't see anything good, so I had to change things on the fly. I kept the 5 rounds, 20 burpees, then added 20 air squats, and 20sec handstand hold against the fence. So I started the stop watch on my iphone, and began performing burpees on the fake turf. It was kinda bouncy, and way more comfortable then I thought it would be. A few times when I was on the ground portion of my burpee I thought about just taking a nap, but then somehow kept jumping up. The handstand holds were fun because 1) I was outside, 2) I was in a strange non-gym location, and 3) I just like doing handstands. All five rounds took me a little over 18 minutes, not bad for 100 burpees, 100 air squats, and 1:40 of handstand holding.

I can remember a time not that long ago when I would frequent a globo gym, and if all my "planned" machines were taken, I'd be lost. I wouldn't know what to do. I had no back up plan, no creativity, and typically, I'd just wander around trying to look busy, and finally I'd leave. That sucked. It sucked that I couldn't think outside of my comfort zone and find something else to get me sweating. I was paying however much a month for use of the equipment that was supposed to "get me in shape." It's mind blowing that now I can walk out my front door and kick my ass with nothing but myself and some open field.

Here's me, post workout. You can see the fancy turf and my neon pants. Oh, and my face pretty much sums up how I feel about burpees. :)

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Dearest Trainwrecks

Dear trainwrecks:

     You've been at this weightloss blogging thing for some time now.  During the past 3-5 years since you've started your "journey" you've amassed a huge following.  You ignore all the tough love comments with actual real helpful tips and knowledge from those who have been there, dismissing them as "haters."   Rather you accept the pats on the head and mindless drivel from people that just discovered your blog and haven't had time to figure out that you are a fraud yet.  This of course is your preogative.  Your blog, you do what you want to do.  However, do not think for one second that you are fooling any one with half a brain.  Eventually, the ones with the encouragement will grow tired of your wheel spinning and take the path of tough love.  After offering advice that will bounce off your rubber skin repeatedly, soon, they will see the truth.  You are not ready to lose weight, or lose any more weight as the case may be. 

   There is nothing wrong with that.  Except for when you claim that you are "trying" and "ready" to lose weight.  Those are just words.  We want actions.  Actions are inspirational.  The people that are doing it, day in and day out.  Eating what works for them, drinking their water, kicking their asses at the gym THAT is inspiration.  Inspirational is NOT talking about what you are thinking about doing, whining about how hard it is to eat less calories, detailing workouts that are suitable for a 80 year old woman when you are a 30-40 something individual and "coming clean" about slipping off track. 

     So, I beg you to ask yourselves a few questions, really ask yourself.  If the answers to these questions are mostly "no" please do all of us a favor and get your head right before spewing your drivel under the pretense of "trying."
1) Are you willing to give up all your nutrient lacking favorite foods possibly forever (cake, cookies, etc.) to get to your goals?
2) Have you identified your trigger foods?
3) Have you found a way to sweat/burn calories that you enjoy and look forward to?
4) Do you understand (not just know) that the changes you make must be permenant changes?
5) Are you willing to ditch conventional nutrition advice and find out what works for you as an individual?
6) Have you lost any weight in the past month?

    Lastly, I'm going to say a few things that none of you trainwrecks will read.  Paraphrased- food can either be the best medicine, or the slowest form of poison.  Think about that for a minute.  By ingesting items with the sole goal of getting all your nutrients from real, nature made foods, it really takes the drama out of eating right.  There are excellent sources of lean meats, vegetables, fruits, nuts, etc. that can be combined to form a diet that is satiating, lower in calories and higher in nutrients then the standard american USDA guidelines.  Do not waste your time eating things that have no nutrional value, how is that any different then flushing money down the toilet?  When you eat stuff that isn't providing you with anything, its like paying money and NOT GETTING ANYTHING.  Who does that?  

   I'll make it even EASIER for you- my 2 cents- if you want roughly 1,200 of the best calories that you can get, try eating this in a day, in no particular order:
2 eggs scrambled with 1 cup of nutrient rich veggies of your choice (broccoli, peppers, spinach, cauliflower, asparagus, mushrooms, onions, kale, cabbage, etc.)
1/2 an avocado (or equivalent in nuts, coconut oil, etc.)
2 chicken thighs (no skin) (or equivalent 4-6 oz serving- flank steak, pork loin)
2 cups lettuce (mixed greens, romaine, spinach) w/ 2 tbsps. homemade vinaigrette
1 chicken breast (6oz) (or equivalent 6oz serving- fish, ground turkey)
1 cup berries
1 cup of green veggies - broccoli, brussel sprouts, green beans, etc.
1 medium (6oz) yam (or alternating yam every other this with 1 cup 0% greek yogurt)

That is a lot of food.  That every single thing is contributing something.  I challenge someone that weights 220 pounds to feel hungry eating this, to feel like they are "missing out."  Boring?  Maybe.  Tasty?  It can be.  Healthy?  Absolutely.  So, here's the thing- if you are capable of eating this day in and day out forever, why aren't you?  If you are not capable of eating this day in and day out, you need to ask yourself why.  I believe the answer will tell you more about yourself than 3 years of blogging about "plans" and "being an inspiration" will ever do. 

Peace trainwrecks- I've got some sprints to run, some burpees to do, and maybe some handstand holds against a wall to perform, just for fun. 


Saturday, September 8, 2012

Courthouse Wedding

"Nice shoes" said a well dressed lady as we passed each other on the sidewalk, walking amongst the big buildings in downtown Seattle.  I said a quick 'thank you' in passing, and thought to myself how in all the hundreds of times I've walked along the streets of downtown, no stranger has ever complimented my shoes before.  It might have had something to do with the fact that I've never had on a pair of Kate Spade's before either.

I was annoyed that the wind was so damn strong and was threatning to ruin my nicely done hair.  I was focused on walking in my heels and not twisting an ankle.  My lips felt dry, was my lipstick still intact?  Only one more block to go, and I'd have an airconditioned lobby to wait in. Manilla envelope in hand, I climbed the steps to the courthouse.  As I was walking in, an older black man was walking out.  He looked me up and down and then proclaimed "dayum baby, you looook gooood."  I smiled. 

The lobby was empty, except for a guard seated next to a metal detector/x-ray scanner like at the airport.  I asked if this was where the marriage ceremonies were performed, and he looked at me with a skeptical glance and said "yes, but I think you are missing someone."  I smiled and said "he's on his way."  The guard was missing some front teeth, and reminded me of the mail carrier turned Nazi in The Sound of Music.  He then said "I hope so."  As I waited for Dave and our witnessess (all in the same car parking) to show up, another bridal group appeared in the lobby.  The groom was holding an envelope matching mine.  The bride was in a taupe racer-back summery dress with a regular blue bra on...which I knew because with her back to me, her straps were visible.  I think that's tacky, but apparently the younger kids these days find showing bra straps as a fashion statement.  A woman with crazy hair ruffled past me and said "girl, that dress is amazing, and you are rocking it.  Your shoes are fabulous."  I laughed a little.  Maybe I should wear a white cocktail dress and blue Kate Spades everyday.  

I decided to check-in at the courthouse on FB, my first choice of locations that popped up was King County Jail.  Who checks themselves in on FB at jail?!  Anyway, the courthouse was a few choices down and I selected it, status updated "about to become a Mrs."  My phone rang, and it was Dave.  "I'm at the courthouse, in the lobby, where are you?"  "I'm in the lobby of the courthouse."  Annoyed, he says "Well WTF, I'm where you told me to be, and I don't know where you are, lalaljafljSWEARlajdfkljdfjlSWEARljadfjkljaldjSWEAR..." I say, "where are you?"  This practically sends him over the edge "I'm on 5th and Cherry, where you told me to be, I don't know what to tell you."  "Ok, I'll go outside and look, I can see all 4 corners of 5th and Cherry, and you aren't there."  Long pause..."Oh.  I'm on 4th and Cherry" click. 

Dave and 4 of our friends walk up the steps to the courthouse and we take a few photos.  We walk back into the lobby, and the guard looks unamused that I didn't get stood up.  We all take turns putting our items on the xr-ay machine and walking through the metal detector.  We make our way up to the 10th floor, and on a 75 degree day, at 5pm, in a LEED certified building in Seattle, it was hot as all get out.  We waited to be check in.  My feet were starting to feel the 2.75" heel. 

We get seated in a waiting room, and then the judge asks to see just Dave and I.  She asks us a few questions, and I like her instantly.  She explains how she typically runs ceremonies, and then asks if there is anything we specifically want, or want to change.  I speak up and start to say that there is only one thing I have an issue with, and at that moment, she interrups me and says "there is no 'obey' in your vows."  I exhale.  Oh, wow, she's a mind reader.  She then says she'd like to take us up to the 15th floor, into the room with floor to ceiling windows and sweeping city views.  Sounds good to me.  We got up there, admired the view, had our quick ceremony that was absolutely perfect- non-religious, to the point, informal, and exactly what I was hoping for.  Our friends took some pictures, signed as witnesses, and then we were married. 

For our after official courthouse nuptuals, we decided to head to the International District for some real chinese food.  I loved the contrast between us being so dressed up and fancy, and then eating at a chinese restaurant.  We got many amazing dishes, each person had such varied tastes.  In the middle of ordering, our waiter cut us off and said "too much food."  And walked away.  My husband and the rest of the table were sort of dumbfounded- um, did that really just happen?  Well, turns out, our waiter was correct in cutting us off when he did.  The amount of food was perfect.  Well, perfect in the sense that we all got our fill and there were no leftovers.  What if we had wanted leftovers?  Kinda funny.  That's only happened to me at bars before. 

Our big celebration party is in our backyard in a week.  We got the boring stuff out of the way, now we can party with 100 of our closest friends and family members. 

Here are a few pictures from the day:

He's so silly

His eyes are closed, but you can see my shoes in this one.

Friday, August 31, 2012

Even MORE Tips for Success

I'm flattered by how many people appreciated and commented on yesterday's post. Of course, in typical fashion of myself, I thought of MORE things I would like to rant about/share after hitting publish. So, here we go- a follow up post with even more tips for success/pet peeves.

I know sarcasm doesn't come across too well in print. So I just want to say for those that don't know me, I'm very sarcastic, and as much as I think I'm right, these tips are just as much for me as they are for the people stuck on a merry-go-round. I can name every friggin' horse on the carousel, I've been there so many times myself. But, I have learned something new each lap on that carousel.

1) Stop comparing yourself to others, on all fronts (I know sizing up other girls is practically like breathing for women. The sooner you stop, the better your life will be). Every single person has strengths and weaknesses. When you compare yourself to others, you run the risk on comparing your weakness to someone's strength. In layman's terms, we call this comparing apples to oranges. It just doesn't work. Don't do it. Compare apples to apples, by comparing yourself to you and only you. Be the best YOU that you've ever been. What's that? A month ago you could only do 5 push-ups on your toes, now you can do 20?!?!? That is what I'm talking about.

2) Do not fear fat. Eat fat. Eat as much fat as your heart desires! Fat is satiating, necessary, and contrary to popular opinions, it does not make you fat. You know what makes you fat? Sugar. Limit sugar by all means necessary. When you can eat things like bacon and avocado for breakfast who the hell needs crap like 'Fiber One' cereal? If you are having issues pooping, check out your fat intake, I would bet a serious amount of money that you aren't eating enough. Take 3 fish oil capsules, eat 1/2 an avocado, and call me in the morning.

3) FISH OIL. As far as I'm concerned, this stuff is miracle juice. Quality is of the utmost importance here. Down anywhere from 3-5g GRAMS/day depending on how deficient in Omega-3s you feel you are. Eventually, as you change the ratio of Omega-3's to Omega-6's in your body, you can ease up on the fish oil. If I lost you at Omega-3 and Omega 6, do some research on the subject. Then proceed to eat grass fed meats, pasture eggs, salmon, and FISH OIL. If you don't get sore after workouts that you should get sore after, you are ingesting enough fish oil.

4) Teach by example. Do not say one thing and do another. Stop feeding your kids junk. Believe it or not, your kids are not listening to what you say. They are watching what you do. This means, if you go on random "health kicks" and throw all of the junk food out of the house and eat lettuce and ice cubes for a week only to drive to a fast food restaurant at the end of that week and proceed to eat (and let your kid eat) anything and everything you want, your kids are not going to get the eat healthy message. Weird, huh? I can't believe how many bloggers I read that are "eating so clean" and then they go out and give their kids donuts!!!! Do you want your kids to pick up the same bad habits as you? Food as a reward, food as enjoyment, etc. Food is fuel. You want to get the most nutrients you can out of the things you eat. Tell me, what sort of nutritional value is a donut providing? If you are eating healthy 90% of the time, and active, your kids are going to pick up on that. They will learn to like their vegetables, be active, will probably prefer fruit over a donut eventually, and take that with them into adulthood. That doesn't mean skip making them a cake on their birthday. A birthday is a once a year event. Once a year. Smell what I'm stepping in?
4b) Same thing goes for friends/co-workers etc. Do not go blasting around what your current "plan" is. Just do it, and if you are successful and a good example to your body, others will take notice and want to know exactly what you are doing. When someone ASKS you can tell them. Otherwise, no one gives a shit.

5) Those ridiculous 'toning' shoes? Yeah, they don't work. There have even been some pretty famous lawsuits due to the fact that they don't work. See here:

6) Maybe my biggest peeve right now...TONING. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TONING. You are losing some of the fat/water barrier between your skin and muscle so your muscles show more. That's it. There is no specific weight room regimen that you should use for "toning." The lower weight for higher reps is bullshit. Women do not get bulky from lifting heavy weights. Women do not have enough testosterone to get the same level of bulk that men do. Really. The women that you see in body building competitions follow a specific diet, lifting, and most likely supplement program, but most of all, they have such a ridiculously low amount of body fat, the muscles they do have show like crazy. They are not "bulky" they just have NO fat.

7) If I had complete control over the world, I would round up all the Brazillian Butt-lift people and Body by Vi people and send them to an island Hunger Games style where the only way for them to get food and water would be to debate the science behind whichever of the above methods they were a firm (pun intended) believer in. Winner of the debate would be based on the number of actual facts that can be backed up by science, and would get food/water. Of course, this would be televised as enjoyment for all those that know how funny and ironic that would be.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Tips For Success

Lately, everytime I come here to post I'm torn between writing an upbeat message about my latest success on the eating/gym front or a snarky post about how dumb some "weightloss" bloggers are or how dumb the mainstream health advice is. For the most part the upbeat message wins because I know that being positive is always better than negative, and certainly who am I to criticize how someone chooses to express themselves on their own blog? I also feel that is an inaccurate representation of my personality. I am snarky, and in general I dislike people. Anyone that got here via my comments on Norma's blog know that. I like what I like, and whatever I do is the right way and the only way at that particular moment. I can change what I feel is the right way at any time without any explanation. That is what I honestly think, so there.

So, on that note, I'm going to give some tips for success. Some are what absolutely work for me, some are just general annoyances. Some are snarky. They are all correct.

1) Plan ahead. I can't accomplish anything without a plan. Planning takes the thinking out of things, and makes the doing of things. When I'm without a plan, I start thinking about all the things I COULD be doing, or eating, or whatever, and proceed to do something unproductive towards my personal goals. Fail to plan, plan to fail.

2) Only jump on bandwagons that you have thoroughly researched. If I read about one more person "eating clean" while posting pictures of deli turkey on a sandwich thin and a smear of chemical laden PB, I'm going to lose my shit. Of course everyone is going to have their definition of eating clean. Mine is the right one- eating things in which you can pronouce all the ingredients, things that are exactly what they say they are, things you have made/grown yourself, and/or are a combination of single ingredient items occurring in nature that you made yourself (examples- meat, vegetables, fruit, nuts, certain oils, beans (if you are lectin tolerant), quinoa/oatmeal (if you are grain tolerant) cream/greek yogurt (if you are dairy tolerant), honey (in small, seasonal amounts)). A lot of shit can be made from items that fall into that list. Don't even try to tell me that your "whole wheat wrap with spinach and low-fat cheese" is CLEAN. Or worse yet, your soy products.

3) Stop eating soy as a meat replacement. Its garbage. Asians don't eat a lot of soy, and when they do eat soy, its fermented (such as tempeh, miso, and soy sauce) and used as a condiment. Tofu is not a health food, and here is some further reading on that matter:

4) If you are trying to lose weight, you have to find a tolerable way to eat less calories while getting the maximum amount of nutrients for your body. You know what has a shit ton of nutrients for not a lot of calories? Vegetables. You know what does not? Nearly everything found in the center aisles of the grocery store. Get used to feeling hungry, unsatisfied, grumpy, and like you are missing out. GET OVER IT. Do you want to lose weight or not? You will always get the correct answer, despite what you tell yourself. Chances are the longer you are at it, the missing out/grupiness will subside as you can do things you were previously not able to do. Anything worth having does not come easily.

5) Invest in an Olympic bar and some bumper plates for your home (or join a gym that allows you not only access to these, but doesn't kick you out when you drop a loaded bar on the floor). YouTube the crap out of squats, deadlifts, cleans, and presses. Learn them. Proceed to pick up as much heavy shit as possible. Run sprints. Want that cardio feeling? Check out ZWOW on YouTube. If her body doesn't make you want to do her workouts, nothing will. Remember all those meme's floating around the interwebs a few weeks ago comparing sprinters bodies to marathoner's bodies? Do what you will with that information.

6) Drink water. If you are drinking as much water as you should be, you shouldn't have time to drink more than 1 or 2 "other" drinks (such as coffee, wine, tea, electrolyte drink). Ditch the diet soda/calorie free drinks.

7) Stop running distances longer than 3 miles more than 1-2 times/week unless you are specifically training for an endurance event. Chances are, you hate running, you are forcing yourself to do it, and worst of all, you aren't even training for anything. Running distances is not going to get you in shape. Have you SEEN how many fat people run 5K's? Trust me. Running 4-5 miles is no feat of fitness. Its a feat of stubborness, and most people look dumb doing it. Refer to #5.

8) Take that stupid thing off your arm. Yeah, that idiotic thing that tells you how many calories you have "burned." Its full of shit. Calories in - Calories out is nice in theory, and it even works the first few times you try it. However, if you are anywhere on attempt #5-300 to lose weight, you need better education on what food does to your body, how your body reacts to certain foods, and also how (BIG SHOCK HERE) some food companies actually design their foods to be craved and overeaten by humans (ahem, 100 calorie packs). Recommended reading- Good Calories/Bad Calories (Gary Taubes) and It Starts With Food (Dallas/Melissa Hartwig).

9) Understand that the changes you make need to be permenant changes. Understand that. Do not just regergetate it and say it/type it out, like saying it makes it true. Understand that the changes you make need to be permenant changes. There is no one year of "eating clean" and then easing up. There is no "training for a 1/2 marathon" and then easing up. Understand that the changes you make need to be permenant changes. This also means, be prepared to wait a really long time (years) for your body to transform. If you don't understand that the weight you are losing is most likely water/lean muscle when following a calorie restricition/cardio plan then you are on the road to a regain of at least what you lost and will find yourself back at square one in no time.

10) Do things your way. You will find through trial and error what works for you, and what does not. Remember, these are permenant changes. You will know in short order whether or not you are ready to let go of certain things. Ready= success over time. Not ready= on merry go round.

11) Ignore the haters. If you are follwoing #10, you know what works for you. It doesn't matter what you do, people are ALWAYS going to have an opinion (thats too little food, are you going to eat all that fat? Shouldn't you do cardio? Oh, I could NEVER do that...). Stick to your guns. If whatever you are doing is not working, refer to #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, and #9.

That's all I can think of for now. Whew...that felt good. Now, stop telling yourself lies, and go be AWESOME.

Ending rant with a picture of a typical breakfast for me...protein, veg, healthy fat.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Legitimate Mind Rape

This is not a post about how awesome I've been eating, or how much ass I kicked at the gym today, or how my wedding planning is finally starting to fall into place. All of those are true, but need to be put on the back burner for today while I get this off my chest. I know there are certain topics of conversation that are to be avoided due to the volatility of the subject matter, and therefore have a quick tendency to get people fired up and emotional. I generally try to avoid discussions about religion, politics, and sex when I have an unknown audience present. I'm making an exception today to discuss my concerns over some comments made by potential and/or current political persons that for whatever reason keep getting their crazy ideas/thoughts broadcast on major media forums.

I'm not looking for any fights, I just want to state a few observations:
1) If you are a free thinking, educated woman, there is no way in hell you could support the current republican party.
2) If you are a woman who values her freedom and would like to continue the fight towards gender equity, there is no way in hell you could support the current republican party.
3) If you are a religious, god fearing, moral woman, there is no way in H-E-double hockey sticks you could support the current republican party.
4) If you have a daughter, sister, wife, mother, and you love them, there is no way in hell you could support the current republican party.
5) If you are a woman, and you don't recognize that support of pro-life to the extent of repealing of Roe v. Wade means the government is taking away a major freedom as a citizen in this country, then I have no words for you.

I want to make one thing very clear. I'm not against women that are pro-life when making the decision for THEMSELF. It's your body. What you do with your body is no business of mine. Want to pierce everything and ink it up? Be my guest. Want to eat nothing but twinkies and ding-dongs everyday? Please, feel free. Want to get breast implants or an eye-lift? Sure! Everyone's doing it. What I have a problem with is women suggesting that what they feel, and what they choose to do with their body, is somehow relevant to a woman that is not them. You will never catch me telling Sally down the street that she can't get a tattoo simply because I would never get a tattoo.

But its a LIFE. Or its a fluid sack of rapidly dividing cells. To-MAY-to, To-MAH-to. What that "life" or fluid sack has the ability to do is completely change the actual life of the person supporting it. That change is not something to be taken lightly, and should never be assumed, nor in this day and age should a woman feel burdended by a potential life inside them. Being responsible for the care and well being of another human being is serious stuff. Every single woman in this country should be jumping for joy over the fact that she has access to complete control of whether or not she is ready to be responsible for another human being. Complete control. That is freedom ringing in my ears.

Instead, this freedom is being clouded by politics. How any man feels he has the right to a position on this topic has been beyond me from the time I was old enough to understand that pregnant = problem for women, not man- which was maybe around 8? 9? How the government feels they have a right to allow or disallow this choice is beyond me. The fact that more women aren't outraged by this is even MORE beyond me.

This is a legitimate rape we can stop, legitimate mind rape. Stand up for your rights. Stand up for your choices. Stand up for your freedom.

Back to regularly scheduled programming.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

If You're Looking for Me...

You can find me on cloud 9. What is cloud 9 anyway? I have no idea. I just know it means that you are happy, elated, ain't-nuthin-gonna-bring-you-down...and that's where I'm at. In the future I'll try to use phrases I know the full meaning of. Like, don't put all your eggs in one basket. I get that one.

So...what has me in such a great mood? A great relief was lifted off my shoulders today after finished my face to face job interview for the position I'm not really experienced enough for, but thought I would try for anyway. I didn't realize how much of my energy had been focused on that until it was over. Also? Fun fact? I totally forgot to wear deodorant today. Of all the days...worst day to forget deordorant ever. I learned from my phone interview last week when I WAS wearing deodorant that I sweat profusely during any sort of questioning regarding my work experience. So yeah, put me in a silk suit with no deodorant in front of my 2 bosses and grand-boss, and yeah...there was some serious sweating going on. By the way, the silk suit I wore today was one my mom got me when I graduated college for interviews, 11 years ago. I believe this is the 2nd interview I've worn it to, mostly because a good 8 of the past 11 years its been too small. Today, I rocked it with a pretty green top underneath. Suits never go out of style.

Ok, besides the 11 year old suit fitting me, and having made it past the initial candidate screening and the phone interview to a face to face interview, I went into the mailroom today, and there was a box for me. I noticed the return address was "Reebok." ERMEHGERD!!!! My custom Rebook CrossFit shoes had arrived. I set the box down in my cube and told myself I would wait till after my interview to open a present. My stomach was doing back flips as I anticipated questions for my upcoming interview. I heard my bosses dissmissing someone, and I poked my head out of my cube to get a look at my "competition." I. WAS. BLOWN. AWAY. What I saw was a girl walking towards the front door with long curly hair and a slightly larger (big boned? heh) frame. Some people that read this will know what that is funny. Anyway...I was surprised that my competition was another female in this VERY male dominated work environment. I think it is absolutely for the best. She was not wearing a suit however...

So, my interview. I was relaxed the majority of the time. There were a few technical questions that I totally bombed, that's where the whole lack of experience thing comes in. I'd say 80% of the interview was positive, and 20% was bombing the technical questions. I'm not a bullsh*tter, so I didn't want to start talking myself into a corner I couldn't get out of. I simply said "I don't know, or I don't have any experience with that." I tried my best to highlight my strengths, and crossed my fingers that my bosses see that my work ethic and potential is there, even though I don't have the experience yet. Luckily, they are familiar with me, and have seen me work for the past 1.75 years to know that when I say I pick up things fast, I'm not lying.

Once interview was over, and I properly retreated to the bathroom to wash/blot my underarms (I might have applied hand sanitizer) a wave of relief swept over me. I was done. I was also shaking with the adreneline release. I pounded water and proceeded to open up my package! My SHOES! OMG, love. They fit amazing, feel amazing, look amazing...and I was about to test them out on one of my favorite workouts. The 22 minute routine. My day just kept getting better.

I crushed the workout. I remember how back in my running days, the first run in new shoes always felt faster, so I'm not sure if that was the case here, but WOW. I used a heavier bar than last time, and had 2 people comment to me after the WOD on how fast I was moving. I'll give credit to the shoes.

The entire office (including mrs. don'twearworkoutclothesintheoffice) is gone this week at a staff meeting. You know what that means? No changing back into my suit. Yeah, I'm still in my workout clothes. Shortly after I returned from the gym, my boss pulled me into his office to say he thought I did an excellent job. I still have to wait 2 weeks until they announce the position, but that was nice of him. He has 3 daughters all around my age, so I think he knows what a big deal this was for me. Even if I don't get offered the spot, I am so happy I tried for it. Although, not getting offered the job does have the potential to kick me off cloud 9 but, not too far, probably only to cloud 8. :)

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Stress Distraction

I've got so much to do, but instead of doing it, I'm finding 1,000 other things to do...Like write this. Anyone else do that when they are stressed? No? Fu#k.

I finished my workout nearly an hour ago, and I'm still drenched in sweat. I just refueled with a yam, ground turkey with homemade taco seasoning, and roasted broccoli. No, I haven't changed out of my workout clothes yet nosy noserson over there in the front office (long story if you don't get that reference). Our workout today was brutal. Our workout yesterday was brutal. The fact that summer just decided to show up here a few weeks ago makes it like Bikram CrossFit at the noon class. Hot, humid, Olympic lifts, sprints, pull-ups, and kettlebell work. Pretty sure I've used an entire bucket of chalk over the past few days.

Couple of exciting things related to exercise/nutrition:

On Saturday I participated in a team workout that involved 24" box jumps, 105# thrusters, rope climbs, and running with 25#. Two people were on a team, and while one person was doing the run with a sandbag across their shoulders (400m) the other person was working their way through 8 thrusters, 6 rope climbs (or 18 modified, which we did) and 11 24" box jumps. When partner #1 returns from run, they pick up where ever partner #2 is in the sequence. I ran first, and when I got back, my partner had made it to 12 modified rope climbs. So, I had 6 modified rope climbs to finish, and 11 box jumps. At 24". AKA the most 24" jumps I've ever had to do, and considering the first time I jumped on the 24" was 2 weeks ago...But I did it. I powered through the 11 box jumps and got through 1 thruster before my partner returned. Each time I came back from my run, my partner was on rope climbs, meaning I had to do all the box jumps! I performed a total of 51 box jumps over the course of the 31 minute workout. I only had to pick up the bar 3 times for a 105# thruster (holy crap). I was pretty damn excited that I never tripped up on the box, stuck with the 24" the whole time, and now my fear of that box is gone. It doesn't even look that high anymore! Next up- the 30" box. Now that one looks seriously high.

On Sunday I decided to take part in a challenge with some gym buddies- this is the same thing I did back in February, so if you are curious about how that went for me, you can check out my food/exercise log for February (started Feb 3?) and also peruse my posts from February. I loved the way I felt, loved having a strict routine (took the thinking out) and of course, being able to fit into jeans that I hadn't been able to for 5 years is always awesome. Right now, I'm feeling a little sluggish, as my body adjusts. I know from experience that in a few days I'll be feeling awesome.

Yesterday, we did a workout with pull-ups and I started with the (thinner) green band! This is huge progress for me. I was able to eek out my first set of 10 pull-ups on the green band, but then swiched to the thicker black band because my palms were so sweaty, I feared a disastrous mishap if my hands slipped. When I switched to the black band, it was ridiculous, as in, I can't believe not long ago I used to struggle with that band. I was flying over the bar like it was nothing. The sort of transformation my body needed I'm just now realizing takes (and is taking) an incredibly long time. But it is still happening, and that's why I still remain committed to what I started. The hardest thing for me so far in all my time at CrossFit is to stop comparing myself to others, and compare myself to me. When I do that, I'm much happier with the result.

Today we did a brutal workout- 3 rounds of:
8 step-ups holding 35# Kb in each hand (20" box, 4 each side)
20 mountain climbers (10 each side)
100m sprint
6 step-ups
20 mountain climbers
100m sprint
4 step-ups
20 mountain climbers
100m sprint
Rest 90sec

That was ONE round. Holy jesus. Have you ever tried stepping up onto something really tall while holding 70#???? I also noticed my right leg is stronger then my left, but that seemed to be a common theme with the rest of the class. I was the last person to finish this workout today, I felt like I was running on empty. Might be the current way I'm eating...the whole feeling sluggish thing.

Oh, and I know how much people like when bloggers post pictures, so here's a shot of my dog and his cock. Git yer minds outter tha gutter!

Friday, August 10, 2012

Mind F*&k

What a week its been.  When my life gets busy, coming here to detail my workouts and nutrient intake is the last thing on my mind.  The only way to describe how I feel right now is exhaustion, complete mental exhaustion.  I plan on crawling into bed immediately after informing all of you that my absence has not been filled with cake, brownies, and ice cream while watching the Olympics. 

Quick Review of the week:

Monday I hit 2 awesome PR's at the gym, a 225# back squat!!!!!  And a 95# military press (overhead, no legs)!!!!!  I was pretty excited about these, however, when trying for a deadlift PR, I was only able to get 235# off the ground, when a month ago I got 255# on a random day.  Found out a promotion I applied for would be interviewing a WHOLE lot sooner then I was expecting/wanting.  Had meeting after work in which got me thinking about some serious decisions I am long overdue in making.  Very stressful stuff- not blog worthy. 

Tuesday my interview for the position that would be a huge promotion was scheduled.  I proceeded to freak out internally and try to "study" as much as possible.  This stress coupled with stressful stuff from Monday made for lots of stress.  At the gym I worked on my power snatch skills, and found that I have a mean split snatch- might be my new favorite lift.  Fave trainer called me "old skool" in the best way possible. 

Wednesday's are always super busy at work due to a weekly conference call I lead.  The conference call prevents me from going to the gym during lunch.  I spent hours in evening studying for interview.  this position is a little bit of a reach for me, so in order to build some confidence, I was trying to cram as much new pertinent information into my brain as possible.

Thursday at the gym I jumped on the 24" scary box 5 times successfully.  I felt quite accomplished.  I spent more hours studying for the interview, and just basically gave into the fact that I was not going to be able to get anything done until interview was over.  I also received confirmation of my interview, and a list of attendees on the call. The list of attendees stressed me out.   

Friday-interview day!  Woke up super early, before my alarm, showered, put on a skirt and make-up, even though the interview was over the phone, I wanted to look/feel the part.  Spent all morning freaking out/trying to focus on key messages I wanted to convey.  Received text messages of encouragement from mom and the bf deluxe.  Had interview, did the best I could, and of course thought of a million good/better things to say AFTER.  Eased back into m normal life...went floating on a local spring fed lake after work, and spent some quality time with a friend who could give me some guidance on Monday's stress topic. 

Between the water and the events of the week, I want to crawl under a rock and stay for a month.  I want to know right now if I made it to the next round of interviews. I want to know what is going to happen in my life with ALL the unknowns right now.  NOW.  If only it worked that way...

I have no idea when it happened, but I am a grownup.  I'm no longer struggling to make the right decisions to prove how grownup I am.  I just am.  There are consquences for my actions.  I just do.  I can not always do what is best for the moment, I need to think about my future.  I just know.