Monday, March 25, 2013

Comfort Food

Immediately after finding out I was pregnant, I began eating like a rock star. Breakfasts were jam packed with veggies, chia seeds, and berries. Lunches were eggs and meat and veggies and yam. I started making bone broths every Sunday for baby's growing bones. Dinners were usually chicken and veggies. I was drinking a ton of water, I was SO THIRSTY, and I literally had no problem ditching coffee, sugar and alcohol (alcohol is easiest for me, don't drink that much anyway). I was maintaining my gym routine, although definitely moving slower and getting winded so easily. So far, gym buddies seem to not have noticed.

Enter week six. Holy nauseous. Suddenly I could smell everything. I could smell smoke on my husbands hair, he doesn't smoke so that means he probably walked by someone smoking hours before, and it made me want to puke. I opened the fridge and smelled the perfectly cooked chicken I made the night before and I wanted to puke. I could smell the dog's paws near my face (although they weren't) and it didn't make me want to puke, but it was weird. The thought of any food turned my stomach. The longer I went without eating, the more my stomach hurt. I wasn't sure if I was feeling hungry or nauseous, it didn't matter.

All of a sudden something would flash through my head. It was the only thing I wanted. The only thing that would make me feel better. I needed something in my belly. Starbucks breakfast sandwich. Once my mind was set on that, I could think of nothing else. I grabbed my purse and walked down the street to Starbucks. Seriously, it was the best thing I've ever eaten. I ate it slow, savored each bite, and pacified my growling stomach.

However, it was not long before the nausea returned. A few hours later, we had a catered lunch at work. We have catered lunches a lot. Normally, if there are choices I can eat, I make my plate before the gym, go workout, and then eat the goods when I return. I was feeling so sluggish, and so icky all I wanted to do was eat. I skipped the gym for the fajita bar! I loaded up with beef slices, onions, peppers, lettuce, guac, and some rice and made myself an awesome salad. I was feeling better once again. No aversion to the beef, it tasted delicious! Then I got cocky. I decided it would be ok for me to have a slice of the amazing looking cheesecake set out for desert. I did all the quick fat girl now pregnant girl rationalizations- I feel like crap, it will make me feel better. I'm pregnant. I deserve it. I went to the gym yesterday. I have a 2 mile walk home from the bus. Next thing I knew, I was fork deep into a perfect creamy cheesecake. Oh, it was high quality. I ate it and smiled.

I can only describe the next few hours as ick. My head was pounding. I was so thirsty, my stomach was turning over like crazy. I knew immediately that the way I felt was a direct result of my poor choice to eat the cheesecake. I got let out of a meeting early, so I when I got home 2 hours earlier than usual, I took a 2 hour nap. I woke up without my headache, but still nauseous and no food sounded good. I forced myself to eat a few bites of kale-spinach green soup, just so I could take my pre-natals. I downed a bunch of water and realized exactly what was going on.

I was searching for comfort in food. Which in reality, is something that I've been conditioned to do and have conditioned myself to do for as long as...well forever. Right now, I don't feel like myself, in fact I feel downright awful at times, and I want to fix it. I just want something to make me feel like me again, or some sort of escape. Either consciously or unconsciously I know eating certain foods will produce good feelings in my brain...typically all the foods I need to avoid. I want the good feelings to take my mind off the discomfort. It works. But then I feel like crap afterwards. Either the foods don't agree with me, or I get my head so worked up that I made a bad decision, I feel like crap. I'm trying not to be to hard on myself because if there was ever a time for excuses, well, this is it. I made a point to go to the gym the following day, and it felt so great to get some air pumping through my body.

I wish I could say that in the weeks that followed I began making better food choices and continued with my gym routine. Sadly, that was not the case. Weeks 6-9 were really rough for me and I continued to self-soothe with food, although I severely limited the sugar, I continued to eat bread/grains, drink juice, and eat fruit with reckless abandon- all things that I know I just can't do under normal circumstances. Often at lunchtime I couldn't find the motivation to go to the gym, so I would either do an abrieviated workout in our gym at the office, or I would just depend on the 2-3 miles/day I was walking due to taking the bus. It was beginning to take a toll on me.

At the start of week 10, I was craving a salad. I ate salads for lunches the next 6 days in a row. I was feeling so much better. I believe this was the turning point where I began to get my energy back. In conjunction with feeling better and having more energy, my bus riding days came to and end, meaning I no longer had to jog 0.5 miles each way to the gym (I think that was a big factor in me skipping when I was just the slightest bit nauseous). Also, my work traveling schedule calmed down, and I was back in my normal routine. Since week 10, I've been eating so much better (Starbucks breakfast sandwiches gross me out again) and have resumed my gym schedule (all the gym buddies are in the know now). It was just a temporary phase, and I realize that now. I had my weeks to let myself give into my cravings, and now moving forward I will resume a diet that is focused on nutrient density. I've got 6 months to ensure my own diet is dialed in so I can be the best example I can to our little one.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

The Aisle*

Pee on a stick (POAS) tests. As in pregnancy tests. The kind you find in grocery store as you make your way around the aisles, adding items to your cart that you don't really need, but are just buying because you can't go through a checkstand with just a pregnancy test. It's practically a rule. So while you stuff greek yogurt, and oranges and almond butter into your cart, somehow you just find yourself on "The Aisle." The only aisle you really needed to visit, yet you walk down it last as if its a brief thought "oh, I better pick up one of these, just to make sure." By that time, you already know the answer, its been on your mind for days. Symptoms have been Googled, but that never stops us from the inevitable POAS test. So you stare at your options. Hmmm, generic for $5.99, two same brand generic tests in one box for $9.99, or a fancy glowing name brand with flashing lights test for $14.99. Really? I only had two brands to choose from? I was expecting at least 5 or 6 different choices.

I went with the $5.99. They all had to be the same right? Wrong. It was after work, and I wasn't really ready for whatever the test was going to tell me, so I decided to wait until the morning. I heard somewhere that it was supposed to be your first morning pee anyway. Although, I don't think that is the case anymore. So, I stashed the test in the cabinet where the hubs wouldn't find it, I definitely wasn't ready to face him yet...and waited till morning. I woke up the next day and had to pee BAD. So I of course think its a great idea to try and read the instructions to this life altering test while dancing around in my bathroom trying to hold my pee long enough to figure out how to use this damn thing. Remove cap, pee on tip for 10 seconds, don't pee on result area, replace cap, place somewhere flat for 3 minutes and check your results between 3 and 10 minutes. Ok, ok, I can do this...goddammit why won't this package OPEN! After some serious relief, I stuck the stick on the flat sink and walked away. I didn't time anything, I just started getting ready for work. When I had felt about 6-7 minutes pass, I went over to the stick. I was not sure what I was looking at. I read the instructions again, - means not pregant, + means pregnant. Ok, I understood that part, but what if your window was showing a REALLY dark line and a barely, barely, visible so faint if you weren't looking for it you might miss it horizontal line?

Not pregnant I concluded. Not pregnant. I continued to get ready for work, yet I kept being sucked back to that damn stick. "Is that a plus? Am I reading into it? I think it might be a plus? Did I pee on the result area? OMG, who invents these things?!!" I looked at the instructions one more time. Then I saw something I hadn't seen before. Holding my stick the same way in the illustration as the instructions, my dark - sign was going the wrong way. My dark line was the vertical line that made the +, and the - that completed the + was sooo sooo sooo faint. Well damn. That changed things. Why was the VERTICAL line so dark? The vertical line wouldn't even show up if it was a negative, right? Oh, man. I hid the thing in the bottom of the trash and decided on "test inconclusive." This led to more Googling throughout the day, staring at Google images of + POAS tests, trying to find one that looked just like mine.

We were having company over for dinner (a 7month pregnant couple, btw), and the hubs had the day off to cook and clean in preparation. We were going through our usual morning texts, when I told him. Or told him how dumb the test was, and how I never should have gone for the generic brand. "Yup, there are just some things you don't skimp on" he says followed by a "I'm happy either way." He gives me a few things to pick up at the grocery store for dinner that night, and I add "and one expensive brand name pee test." I drove to the other supermarket I frequent after work to see if their selection was any better. I picked up the dinner necessities, and then made my way to "The Aisle." I scanned and searched, nothing. What? Then I noticed a blank spot in the shelving, with a note saying "these items available at Customer Service." You've got to be kidding me. This store actually thinks its a good idea to put something as personal as a pregnancy test behind lock and key, where a woman who is hormonal and out of her mind cannot stick one in her basket and discreetly use the self-check? You place them in the hands of the awkward pimply teenager behind the counter to stare at you, with his EYES as you compare and contrast the brands laid out before you on the Customer Service desk? I don't think so. So I left empty handed sans the dinner items.

When I get home and unpack the groceries in front of the hubs, I could see him get a little anxious as I pulled items out of the re-useable tote one by one. I was kind of enjoying the anticipation. When I finished unloading the bag, I said "that store is stupid. They have the tests in Customer Service. So I didn't get one because I didn't want to wait in another line after buying this stuff." "That is dumb" he said, "we'll go to Walgreens tomorrow morning." We finished up making dinner and appetizers, and enjoyed the company of our friends. Me having to pee every 30 minutes, and then practically falling asleep on the couch at 9:00p during a comedy movie on Netflix.

I went to bed as soon as our company left at 10p or so. I woke up at 3:48a to pee. I woke up again at 7:08a and decided I better head to the store and get a test so I could pee on it first thing. I made the decision to go back to the first grocery store because of the self-check option. Wallgreens did not have a self-check. This time I went to "The Aisle" first. I dumped the expensive flashing bright colored box in my basket and then picked up a few more items. I sauntered over to the self check, and of course at 7:21a, they are closed. There was only one checkstand open, and it was some tiny odd looking guy with Jon Bon-Jovi hair I'd never seen before. I got my stuff and drove home. At this point, I had to pee pretty bad. Why do I keep putting myself in this position?! I had the idea on the way home to pee in a container as to keep it more controlled and lab like. I ran in the house, grabbed a container, did my job, and then took my time unwrapping the package and reading the instructions. Pee on stick for 5 seconds, or dip tip into pee for five seconds, replace cap, set on flat surface and wait 3 minutes. I dipped, replaced, set, and this time looked at my phone to see what time it was. I walked away and did stuff for 3 minutes.

This test had a different read out. Instead of a +/- it gave you horizontal lines- I (not pregnant) or a I I (pregnant). This test was receiving good reviews on the interwebs, and it was over double the price, so I was expecting a result I could read. When my 3 minutes was up, I went into the bathroom and picked up the stick. I was not surprised at all by the easy-to-read-no-mistaking-it results. Well, that settles it. I snapped a quick picture, moved back to the kitchen to make some herbal tea and texted the hubs the photo for his interpretation when he woke up.

*I wrote this back in January, the first of my pregnancy posts. I have a few more posts from pregnancy weeks 4-11 that I will be sharing over the next few days. Then, it will be business as usual posting in real time.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Secrets, secrets

The truth on my sporadic, near silence the past few months is I've been keeping a secret. I have been writing posts, just haven't been publishing them. Just as I felt I was running out of things to talk about, life smacked me with a great big bag of material (heh). There are only so many times/so many ways I can say the same things over and over- eat real foods, find a way to move your body that works for you and still find things to post about. What works for me is boring, and who wants to read about boring? I practically fall asleep typing my daily eats and workouts!

Lately, specifically the past oh, 3 months or so, posts have been flying off my fingertips. I'm sure this new direction will bore some to death (sorry Norma!) and possibly attract others. But anyone that's been reading me for awhile knows I only write for me.

If you haven't figured it out by're dumb. Ha, just kidding. I'm making a human. At least, that's what pee/blood/ultrasound tests say. Since I haven't felt it move yet (13ish weeks along) my head hasn't fully grasped it yet. My body for sure knows something is off, but the head...the head hasn't caught on yet. The more times I say it out loud, it gets a little more real, but it still sounds like a voice that isn't mine when I talk about it.

So, I haven't decided how I'm going to change things on this space yet, but I do feel like I need a separate page or link to my pregnancy related posts. It was my intention to eat as nutritionally sound as possible and keep up my crossfit schedule from day one to day I have posts typed up about how that went. I also would like to share how I went from never wanting kids to...having a kid. Etc., etc. Like I said, so much material. I'm excited for this next phase of my life!