The Aisle*

Pee on a stick (POAS) tests. As in pregnancy tests. The kind you find in grocery store as you make your way around the aisles, adding items to your cart that you don't really need, but are just buying because you can't go through a checkstand with just a pregnancy test. It's practically a rule. So while you stuff greek yogurt, and oranges and almond butter into your cart, somehow you just find yourself on "The Aisle." The only aisle you really needed to visit, yet you walk down it last as if its a brief thought "oh, I better pick up one of these, just to make sure." By that time, you already know the answer, its been on your mind for days. Symptoms have been Googled, but that never stops us from the inevitable POAS test. So you stare at your options. Hmmm, generic for $5.99, two same brand generic tests in one box for $9.99, or a fancy glowing name brand with flashing lights test for $14.99. Really? I only had two brands to choose from? I was expecting at least 5 or 6 different choices.

I went with the $5.99. They all had to be the same right? Wrong. It was after work, and I wasn't really ready for whatever the test was going to tell me, so I decided to wait until the morning. I heard somewhere that it was supposed to be your first morning pee anyway. Although, I don't think that is the case anymore. So, I stashed the test in the cabinet where the hubs wouldn't find it, I definitely wasn't ready to face him yet...and waited till morning. I woke up the next day and had to pee BAD. So I of course think its a great idea to try and read the instructions to this life altering test while dancing around in my bathroom trying to hold my pee long enough to figure out how to use this damn thing. Remove cap, pee on tip for 10 seconds, don't pee on result area, replace cap, place somewhere flat for 3 minutes and check your results between 3 and 10 minutes. Ok, ok, I can do this...goddammit why won't this package OPEN! After some serious relief, I stuck the stick on the flat sink and walked away. I didn't time anything, I just started getting ready for work. When I had felt about 6-7 minutes pass, I went over to the stick. I was not sure what I was looking at. I read the instructions again, - means not pregant, + means pregnant. Ok, I understood that part, but what if your window was showing a REALLY dark line and a barely, barely, visible so faint if you weren't looking for it you might miss it horizontal line?

Not pregnant I concluded. Not pregnant. I continued to get ready for work, yet I kept being sucked back to that damn stick. "Is that a plus? Am I reading into it? I think it might be a plus? Did I pee on the result area? OMG, who invents these things?!!" I looked at the instructions one more time. Then I saw something I hadn't seen before. Holding my stick the same way in the illustration as the instructions, my dark - sign was going the wrong way. My dark line was the vertical line that made the +, and the - that completed the + was sooo sooo sooo faint. Well damn. That changed things. Why was the VERTICAL line so dark? The vertical line wouldn't even show up if it was a negative, right? Oh, man. I hid the thing in the bottom of the trash and decided on "test inconclusive." This led to more Googling throughout the day, staring at Google images of + POAS tests, trying to find one that looked just like mine.

We were having company over for dinner (a 7month pregnant couple, btw), and the hubs had the day off to cook and clean in preparation. We were going through our usual morning texts, when I told him. Or told him how dumb the test was, and how I never should have gone for the generic brand. "Yup, there are just some things you don't skimp on" he says followed by a "I'm happy either way." He gives me a few things to pick up at the grocery store for dinner that night, and I add "and one expensive brand name pee test." I drove to the other supermarket I frequent after work to see if their selection was any better. I picked up the dinner necessities, and then made my way to "The Aisle." I scanned and searched, nothing. What? Then I noticed a blank spot in the shelving, with a note saying "these items available at Customer Service." You've got to be kidding me. This store actually thinks its a good idea to put something as personal as a pregnancy test behind lock and key, where a woman who is hormonal and out of her mind cannot stick one in her basket and discreetly use the self-check? You place them in the hands of the awkward pimply teenager behind the counter to stare at you, with his EYES as you compare and contrast the brands laid out before you on the Customer Service desk? I don't think so. So I left empty handed sans the dinner items.

When I get home and unpack the groceries in front of the hubs, I could see him get a little anxious as I pulled items out of the re-useable tote one by one. I was kind of enjoying the anticipation. When I finished unloading the bag, I said "that store is stupid. They have the tests in Customer Service. So I didn't get one because I didn't want to wait in another line after buying this stuff." "That is dumb" he said, "we'll go to Walgreens tomorrow morning." We finished up making dinner and appetizers, and enjoyed the company of our friends. Me having to pee every 30 minutes, and then practically falling asleep on the couch at 9:00p during a comedy movie on Netflix.

I went to bed as soon as our company left at 10p or so. I woke up at 3:48a to pee. I woke up again at 7:08a and decided I better head to the store and get a test so I could pee on it first thing. I made the decision to go back to the first grocery store because of the self-check option. Wallgreens did not have a self-check. This time I went to "The Aisle" first. I dumped the expensive flashing bright colored box in my basket and then picked up a few more items. I sauntered over to the self check, and of course at 7:21a, they are closed. There was only one checkstand open, and it was some tiny odd looking guy with Jon Bon-Jovi hair I'd never seen before. I got my stuff and drove home. At this point, I had to pee pretty bad. Why do I keep putting myself in this position?! I had the idea on the way home to pee in a container as to keep it more controlled and lab like. I ran in the house, grabbed a container, did my job, and then took my time unwrapping the package and reading the instructions. Pee on stick for 5 seconds, or dip tip into pee for five seconds, replace cap, set on flat surface and wait 3 minutes. I dipped, replaced, set, and this time looked at my phone to see what time it was. I walked away and did stuff for 3 minutes.

This test had a different read out. Instead of a +/- it gave you horizontal lines- I (not pregnant) or a I I (pregnant). This test was receiving good reviews on the interwebs, and it was over double the price, so I was expecting a result I could read. When my 3 minutes was up, I went into the bathroom and picked up the stick. I was not surprised at all by the easy-to-read-no-mistaking-it results. Well, that settles it. I snapped a quick picture, moved back to the kitchen to make some herbal tea and texted the hubs the photo for his interpretation when he woke up.






*I wrote this back in January, the first of my pregnancy posts. I have a few more posts from pregnancy weeks 4-11 that I will be sharing over the next few days. Then, it will be business as usual posting in real time.