Thursday, August 30, 2012

Tips For Success

Lately, everytime I come here to post I'm torn between writing an upbeat message about my latest success on the eating/gym front or a snarky post about how dumb some "weightloss" bloggers are or how dumb the mainstream health advice is. For the most part the upbeat message wins because I know that being positive is always better than negative, and certainly who am I to criticize how someone chooses to express themselves on their own blog? I also feel that is an inaccurate representation of my personality. I am snarky, and in general I dislike people. Anyone that got here via my comments on Norma's blog know that. I like what I like, and whatever I do is the right way and the only way at that particular moment. I can change what I feel is the right way at any time without any explanation. That is what I honestly think, so there.

So, on that note, I'm going to give some tips for success. Some are what absolutely work for me, some are just general annoyances. Some are snarky. They are all correct.

1) Plan ahead. I can't accomplish anything without a plan. Planning takes the thinking out of things, and makes the doing of things. When I'm without a plan, I start thinking about all the things I COULD be doing, or eating, or whatever, and proceed to do something unproductive towards my personal goals. Fail to plan, plan to fail.

2) Only jump on bandwagons that you have thoroughly researched. If I read about one more person "eating clean" while posting pictures of deli turkey on a sandwich thin and a smear of chemical laden PB, I'm going to lose my shit. Of course everyone is going to have their definition of eating clean. Mine is the right one- eating things in which you can pronouce all the ingredients, things that are exactly what they say they are, things you have made/grown yourself, and/or are a combination of single ingredient items occurring in nature that you made yourself (examples- meat, vegetables, fruit, nuts, certain oils, beans (if you are lectin tolerant), quinoa/oatmeal (if you are grain tolerant) cream/greek yogurt (if you are dairy tolerant), honey (in small, seasonal amounts)). A lot of shit can be made from items that fall into that list. Don't even try to tell me that your "whole wheat wrap with spinach and low-fat cheese" is CLEAN. Or worse yet, your soy products.

3) Stop eating soy as a meat replacement. Its garbage. Asians don't eat a lot of soy, and when they do eat soy, its fermented (such as tempeh, miso, and soy sauce) and used as a condiment. Tofu is not a health food, and here is some further reading on that matter:

4) If you are trying to lose weight, you have to find a tolerable way to eat less calories while getting the maximum amount of nutrients for your body. You know what has a shit ton of nutrients for not a lot of calories? Vegetables. You know what does not? Nearly everything found in the center aisles of the grocery store. Get used to feeling hungry, unsatisfied, grumpy, and like you are missing out. GET OVER IT. Do you want to lose weight or not? You will always get the correct answer, despite what you tell yourself. Chances are the longer you are at it, the missing out/grupiness will subside as you can do things you were previously not able to do. Anything worth having does not come easily.

5) Invest in an Olympic bar and some bumper plates for your home (or join a gym that allows you not only access to these, but doesn't kick you out when you drop a loaded bar on the floor). YouTube the crap out of squats, deadlifts, cleans, and presses. Learn them. Proceed to pick up as much heavy shit as possible. Run sprints. Want that cardio feeling? Check out ZWOW on YouTube. If her body doesn't make you want to do her workouts, nothing will. Remember all those meme's floating around the interwebs a few weeks ago comparing sprinters bodies to marathoner's bodies? Do what you will with that information.

6) Drink water. If you are drinking as much water as you should be, you shouldn't have time to drink more than 1 or 2 "other" drinks (such as coffee, wine, tea, electrolyte drink). Ditch the diet soda/calorie free drinks.

7) Stop running distances longer than 3 miles more than 1-2 times/week unless you are specifically training for an endurance event. Chances are, you hate running, you are forcing yourself to do it, and worst of all, you aren't even training for anything. Running distances is not going to get you in shape. Have you SEEN how many fat people run 5K's? Trust me. Running 4-5 miles is no feat of fitness. Its a feat of stubborness, and most people look dumb doing it. Refer to #5.

8) Take that stupid thing off your arm. Yeah, that idiotic thing that tells you how many calories you have "burned." Its full of shit. Calories in - Calories out is nice in theory, and it even works the first few times you try it. However, if you are anywhere on attempt #5-300 to lose weight, you need better education on what food does to your body, how your body reacts to certain foods, and also how (BIG SHOCK HERE) some food companies actually design their foods to be craved and overeaten by humans (ahem, 100 calorie packs). Recommended reading- Good Calories/Bad Calories (Gary Taubes) and It Starts With Food (Dallas/Melissa Hartwig).

9) Understand that the changes you make need to be permenant changes. Understand that. Do not just regergetate it and say it/type it out, like saying it makes it true. Understand that the changes you make need to be permenant changes. There is no one year of "eating clean" and then easing up. There is no "training for a 1/2 marathon" and then easing up. Understand that the changes you make need to be permenant changes. This also means, be prepared to wait a really long time (years) for your body to transform. If you don't understand that the weight you are losing is most likely water/lean muscle when following a calorie restricition/cardio plan then you are on the road to a regain of at least what you lost and will find yourself back at square one in no time.

10) Do things your way. You will find through trial and error what works for you, and what does not. Remember, these are permenant changes. You will know in short order whether or not you are ready to let go of certain things. Ready= success over time. Not ready= on merry go round.

11) Ignore the haters. If you are follwoing #10, you know what works for you. It doesn't matter what you do, people are ALWAYS going to have an opinion (thats too little food, are you going to eat all that fat? Shouldn't you do cardio? Oh, I could NEVER do that...). Stick to your guns. If whatever you are doing is not working, refer to #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, and #9.

That's all I can think of for now. Whew...that felt good. Now, stop telling yourself lies, and go be AWESOME.

Ending rant with a picture of a typical breakfast for me...protein, veg, healthy fat.


  1. LOVE

    Especially #s 8 and 9. You go, Vb. You just fuckin GO!

    PS My paleo pancakes with local syrup made by free range maple trees is so clean!

  2. OMG Thank you so much for #3. I have had so many people telling me to consume Soy. NO I WILL NOT CONSUME SOY. Get off my train!

  3. This is perhaps the best thing I have ever read. Thank you!

  4. Awesome post! I've passed this along to a couple of my weight-loss buddies. Thanks for these honest no BS tips, and telling it like it is!!

  5. Loved your post. Very good points. Loved #10, ready vs not ready. So true. And your breakfast looks yummy!

  6. Thanks for the article on soy. I confess I don't know anything about this and I always like to be the expert.