Friday, November 18, 2011

278- When Worlds Collide

I know it may seem counter-intuitive, but this blog is very personal.  Yes, it is available for anyone on the world-wide-web to read, but I do not promote this blog.  I do not blog for comments and/or support from others.  As nice as that is when it does happen (and I do appreciate support), this is a place for me to document and hash out my experiences.  There have been occasions where friends/acquaintences have found out about it and asked for the address.  I am picky with the friends I choose to share this with.  My own mom and dad do not know this blog exists.  In fact, I think if a large majority of my friends were to know about this blog and read it in its entirety, I might just curl up and never leave the house.  Its embarrassing.       
I have always seen my extra weight as a flaw in myself, something that shouldn't be publically discussed, and its sometimes very hard for me when friends ask me about the stuff they read here.  This blog also only represents a small fraction of my life.  There is so much more to me then the stuff I discuss here.  I rarely talk about my job, my relationships, my hobbies, and my non-health/fitness related dreams (surprisingly, there are lots of).  Exceptions to this would be when there is some cross-over or intermingling between my "regular life" and the things I choose to discuss on my blog, also known as my worlds colliding. 
I've never been comfortable talking about my issues with food, but through this amazing community of other people sharing their experiences, I see so much of myself in others.  I've been directed to new information, seen amazing transformations, been disappointed, angry, sad, and so excited by people I've never met, yet check in on daily.  This blog has made me take leaps out of my comfort zone, and has made sharing some of my experiences out loud, and in person, easier.  That is tremendous growth on my part- to not feel isolated, to not make this only my problem to deal with. Of course these gains in growth are not without consequence.  As a result of the things I choose to discuss here, I have lost a good friend.  I am in the process of mourning this loss, and its very stressful.  I keep thinking that I can do more to salvage the relationship, but now I'm fairly confident its a lost cause.  
If a friend has a personal "journey" blog, and you don't agree with the majority of the things they write, do you end the friendship?   
What if instead of my blog, I chose to paint pictures?  What if I took my feelings, expressed them on oil and canvass and that was my theapy?  What if I kept my huge collection of years of paintings in the basement because they were so dear to me, I didn't want them hanging in the house for all to see?  One day, totally nervous, I chose to share them with you.  If you didn't like my paintings, think my technique is crap, or even if you were offended by them, would that be enough reason to throw 12+ years of friendship out the window?
I see things through my eyes.  I think Mark Rothko's paintings are dumb and I could do them myself.  Art is subjective, my blog is subjective, and like any artist driven to keep painting like they do, I wouldn't continue to grow like I have been if I stopped doing what I do here.  

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