Tuesday, December 27, 2011

265- Poisoned

My nose is stuffed up, my eyes are watering continuously.  I feel like I'm in a sort of half-reality fog.  The kind of half-reality where I can talk myself into or justify eating almost anything.  I'm not myself and I know it.  For a long time, I thought this was myself, but now I know better.  Yes friends, after over 120 days of being solid, I ate items containing sugar, flour, and items that possibly contained ingredients I cannot pronounce.  I drank a ridiculous amount of alcohol.  I am hanging onto a familiar ledge.  See, once I allow that stuff into my body, something in me changes.  Sugar is poison and it changes the way my body works and the way my brain thinks. It fools me into thinking I can handle it, and that I have everything under control, yet forces me to continue feeding sugar inside me.  If I'm not careful and catch it quick, soon I'll be eating anything and everything and gain 6-10 pounds.  
I don't know that I can point to a single event that forced me to put the brakes on and come here to let you all know that I need to start over.  Last week, I remember a homemade cookie tray in our break room that I stole a few tastes of, candies (dark chocolate), alcohol (too much!), a tiny (less then 1") slice of cake eaten while intoxicated.  Each of these events on their own could have been forgiven, but strung together in successive days?  No way.  For once, this re-set is not about the AMOUNT of the offending items consumed, but the WAY in which they were consumed.  The feverish got-to-have-it-now-can't-resist feeling, making sure no one saw, the guilt, and the subsequent fantasies/cravings about what to eat next "since I'd already blown it"- these are not healthy ways to go about eating anything.  I KNOW THIS. 
The return of my allergies and feeling 'not like myself' are excellent motivators to hang on, practice what I know, and pull myself up over that ledge.  I have the strength, I have the ability, and now I'm doing it.  Besides, I know what happens if I let go now- I've done that plenty of times.  I don't know what happens if I pull myself up, and that is what I really want to find out.  I know I said that if I ingested grains/sugar/whatever that my year would start over.  After making it 120+ days, I'm revisiting that.  I thought about it long and hard, and decided to kick myself back to day 100.  I'm essentially taking a Mulligan on the month of December.  Before the cocktail party, before Vegas, before Christmas.  I think this is absolutely fair, I EARNED those first 100 days.  For the ultimate reality check, I stepped on the scale to see what my effect my "bender" had.  According to the scale?  Absolutely none.  But I know better- I know that trick and I'm not falling for it.   
I so desperately wanted to make it through a December where I abstained from cookies/desserts/candies and the like.  I just wanted to see if I could do it.  I'm not going to sit here and make myself crazy trying to pinpoint events that could have contributed to this deviant behavior, rather I'm just going to take my penalty and move on with even more conviction then before.  Let's just chalk it up to the Holidays being a tough time.  Even if I think I'm immune to the crazy and the emotions, apparently, I'm not.  I'm human.  And really, when I think about it?  120 days is a DAMN good stretch, um 1/3 of one year!  I will be over the moon excited if I can make it another 120 days, but if I don't, you'll be the first to hear about it. 
I've got a challenge buddy lined up for January (Tammy? You still in?) and I'm taking these next few days before we begin to really jumpstart my feeling good.  Yesterday I ate no offending items.  Today is much of the same with some gym sprinkled in.  I imagine I will start to feel better later today and definitely by tomorrow.  I made my breakfast for the rest of the week with the tasty Omega-3 rich eggs from the ladies out back, I'll be lifting some heavy things at lunch time, and I will be staying far, far away from sugar and crap that makes me feel like ick. 

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