I always forget that the words I type can be read differently from how I intended. Ok, maybe I don't forget as much as I don't care. Well, that is I don't care until my intentions get misread by someone I do care about. I realized before I started this blog that I was opening myself up to criticism, negative comments, and people disagreeing with me. I realized I may offend people with my language or opinions, but, hey, this is my blog. The only thing I'm trying to do here is figure my shit out. It has nothing to do with you. I have been misread, misunderstood, and misinterpreted. Normally I wouldn't care, but this is one reader in particular I like. If one person misinterpreted my words, that means there is a good chance others did as well. The best way for me to explain how I've got here today is to tell a story. I'm hoping that in someway, I wish it wasn't, but this should be familiar story for everyone, and can maybe shed a little light into what I'm going through.
My uncle Bob is an alcoholic. He's been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. I'm sure it started out innocently enough, when he was in college. All his friends couldn't help but notice he would always drink a little too much, but it was funny. He did funny things, like the time he peed on a fire hydrant and got chased by a dog. Hilarious. He would pass out cold and everyone would draw on him. Oh, how funny he was. At family functions Bob would get loaded and make huge scenes- that's how I know stories from his college days, they come up every year. At some point, his drinking was no longer funny, and the realization he had a problem was apparent. Family members tried restricting the amount of alcohol they kept on hand, and at family functions. This only forced Bob to be more sneaky in his ways. No one could trick him! No one could come between him and his favorite drink. He would spend all day thinking about it, his escape. He probably didn't realize that he drank to forget any feelings of how much he hated drinking.
No one knew that he was aware, he always seemed so out of it. I mean, if he was aware, he's stop, right? He hated alcohol and the control it had on him. He tried many times on his own to stop drinking. He would be successful for weeks or even months at a time, and then, after the confidence boost of being drink free for months, he would take a drink. That one drink would send him barreling down a familiar path. One drink one day would turn into 12 drinks the next. After years and numerous attempts, everyone in the family had heard it before. "No, this time its for real." What was going to make this time different from the last time? Why couldn't he just stop drinking? I can stop after one beer, why can't he?!
Now, replace my uncle Bob with me, and replace alcohol with food (sugar). I know its not quite the same, as alcohol is the only withdrawal one can die from, but the thoughts, feelings, and actions of someone that is addicted to a substance are very similar. I know why Bob can't stop after one beer.
That being said, I'm going to lay even more out there so you can see how I work. I'm sneaky. I'm smart. I've spent years and years tricking myself into giving myself everything that I've wanted food wise- the past year not being too much of an exception. If you've been reading awhile, you might be able to tell the exact point I stalled out- when I started allowing "cheat days." The ways that I go about eating are not healthy (part mental, part biological)- unless I've totally detoxed from sugar and processed foods. My thoughts and actions regarding food are not shared by a person that has never struggled with weight, but I bet many overweight people know exactly what I'm talking about when I say my thoughts regarding food are not normal.
If I had the ability to eat what I was supposed to eat and in the portions I am supposed to eat them the majority of the time, I would not be typing this blog. I would have never bothered to learn so much about food, calories, exercise, etc. If I had to the ability to consume sugar in a way that wasn't harmful, I would never have discovered a paleo diet or crossfit. If I had the ability to stop abusing myself because the high of eating something was not as great as the logic of it being bad for me, I would not need to stop eating sugar/processed foods. If I could do everything I needed to do without accountabilty or not being under the false pretense of a challenge, then I would not need to give myself a 365 day challenge.
I would like to extend an apology to the folks that are in the diet/nutrition industry. I do not discount your years of education, or your honest intentions. However, what I do ask is that if/when you educate people on diet/health you site things that have been actually backed up by real scientific data (like this), and not just hypothesis (ahem- the great lipid hypothesis).