Monday, February 1, 2010

And So It Begins...

Ten pounds gone since December 28th. I am so happy, I lost two pounds this week! In the last month I have begun to accomplish what I have been trying to do for three years. I am finally getting all my ducks in a row, everything is clicking at once, and the results are rolling in.

Sometimes I wish I were able to see my future as well as I am able to see others. My co-worker for example; she is a kind, giving person, but man, she makes some horrible life decisions. When I started working here, she was in the process of going through a break-up with her boyfriend of 5 years. To say that she was a train-wreck for the next year would be an understatement, however, somewhat understandable. At least 3 days a week, she would come in after 10 am, still drunk from the night before. Sometimes she would make frequent trips to the bathroom to puke. She would take naps in her desk chair when the boss would leave, take 2 hour lunches to run errands and get fast food, she would stay here till 8pm or so, and the cycle would repeat itself.

Her stories from the nights before about drunken craziness, and well over 50 hook-ups were entertaining at first, but then just became sad. It was really hard to watch someone be so self-destructive. Her whole social life revolved around the bar, and the drama that resulted. I slowly learned that she was not a diffuser of drama, as she lead on, but rather a magnet for it, if not a creator.

Over the train-wreck year, our boss probably had 4 discussions with her about getting to work earlier, and just cleaning up her act in general. At any other office, there is no way she would have still been employed. It was clear she was desperately seeking escape? A boyfriend? A new job? She would begin 'dating' these piece-of-shit guys from the bar. She would cook for them, buy them drinks, let them stay at her house etc. In these times of 'dating' boys, she would come to work on time, drink less, and generally seem a little more together.

The relationships would inevitably come to some crazy ending, usually with her finding out that the guys had been stealing from her, or worse, and the cycle of her coming into work drunk would begin again.

In September, she began dating a boy. I didn't have any reason to believe this one would be different, but she had her mind set on making him her boyfriend. After about a month, she was practically living with him. She had stopped spending her weeknights at the bar, and would always be in the office before me. What a switch this was! She was making his apartment their home, buying stuff like towels and placemats. She cooked impressive dinners for him every night. Maybe this was different? Afterall, none of my girlfriends end up with boyfriends that I like initially, perhaps this was no different?

Fast forward one month...she forced his roommate out in a huge drama fest style that plagues her. A month later her boyfriend went on a cocaine bender and broke up with her. She called me devastated. I told her it was for the best. She refused to accept that he had problems, and went back to him. Two months later, cocaine bender, and break up. She called me again, crying. I didn't even let her finish. I told her this was going to happen. This time, she did not go back to him.

That was Friday. Today is Monday, and I pulled up to work and her car was not here. "And so it begins" I said out loud to myself, and so it begins.

This made me sad in a way, that her times of "being good" were so short lived, and some event would trigger her to return to a destructive lifestyle. How am I any different? How do I know this isn't just some short-lived success, and tomorrow something could trigger me to fall back into unhealthy ways? I don't. That is scary, but I'm hoping to continually bring more and more awareness into my habits to potentially avoid a situation which could cause me to revert back to comfortable ways.

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