Last week, one of my favorite bloggers in this genre (Jack Sh*t) held a "give away." Apparently give aways are popular on these types of blogs, as authors tend to get free stuff for being successful and having a following, and they hold a contest to spread the motivation, and loot. Anyway, over at Jack Sh*t Gettin' Fit he held this give away. I entered by submitting a comment (if you scroll down real far, you can see the comment by Vb). With nearly 200 people commenting, I didn't think I had a chance in hell, but it was fun.
A week later, Jack announced the winners here. I was the VERY last runner up! OMG OMG OMG!!! I immediately sent Jack an e-mail with my information, and told him it better not be some sort of scam where I end up with a dissected frog or old man pubes (I don't even know where you can find old man pubes these days). I was trying to think of the grossest things anyone could send me...I hope I didn't offend him (cause, he doesn't know me) he didn't write me back. Anyway, if I do end up getting something from his desk, I will be sure to post a picture, and stick it on the fridge anyway as a reminder.
Today, checking into his blog like I always do, he had a request for blog posts. He wants to know the "why." Why I am the way I am. Why am I here. Why now. Why why why. I have been running short on material lately, so I figured I'd take the time and explore the Why.
Well, initially I thought this was easy to answer: I spent too long eating more calories then I was burning. Then I realized that was more of a HOW then a WHY.
So I dug deeper: I love eating more then I love exercising. Hmmm...no, that doesn't seem right. I do love eating, but I love exercising too. Never once have I regretted exercising. I can't say the same for eating.
Ok...deeper still: I am afraid to be the person I know I can be. This is plausible. But also sounds like cookie-cutter garbage straight out of Jillian Michaels mouth. Carrying around a little extra weight is comfortable to me. Its what I know. Oh, wait, and maybe most important, it always gives me an excuse/escape. Fat people LOVE excuses.
Perhaps why I'm here is fear of the unknown. Fear of what I may be like or how things will be different if I was ever normal size. I spent a few years ALMOST at "normal size" in college, but they were practically wasted because I was never able to see myself that way. I look back at photos now, and think, damn...I was so close. But I remember being there, and still seeing a fatty looking back at me in the mirror. Things would surprise me, like when slender people would want to trade clothes with me, or people I thought were really in shape would be intimidated to go for a run with me! But somehow, it never clicked how close I was.
I remember, each day after class, I would head out for my run, and I would run past this old man. He must've been like 80 or 90. He would be walking with his cane, and as he saw me jogging towards him, he would lift his cane, shake it at me, and say in his shaky old man voice "you're gonna get real skinny!" It would always make me smile. But maybe subconsciously it also scared me? Who knows.
All I know is that when I graduated college and moved to a new town, I slowly gained all my progress back to build back that cushion, and be comfortable again. Funny how being so uncomfortably fat can make someone comfortable.