Ok, ok, ok. Scratch EVERYTHING I wrote yesterday in my attempt to fill Jack Sh*t's request of the WHY. I was put on the spot (only by myself), didn't have the proper time to think about it, and as I have done nearly all my life, I thought of the perfect thing to say after I had already said something.
Even yesterday as I really was trying to explore the WHY, I knew what was coming out just wasn't quite right. Sure, it may have sounded good, but I knew it wasn't the true WHY because I could not stop thinking about it for the rest of the day. I thought about it this morning as I was running around Greenlake. Nothing was coming to me, yet, I was still unsatisfied with my WHY's of yesterday.
When I got back to my car after my run (which, get this, was TO THE SECOND the same time it took me last week...how weird is that?) I had a voicemail from my co-worker. I was too sweaty/lightheaded/weak/nauseous to listen to it, because I could already imagine what it was going to be like. Since this was the morning after St. Patrick's Day, I'm sure she was hung over, and either calling in sick, or calling to tell me some stupid story about last night. Once I caught my breath and cooled down a bit, I called her. Our conversation went like this:
A9: What are you doing?
Me: Just got done running Greenlake.
A9: That's cool. I was wondering if you wanted to bring me food, but probably not today since you are all healthy and shit.
Me: I either run or go to the gym every morning.
A9: *Some stupid story about last night that I could care less about*
Me: So, I'm stopping at the grocery store Starbucks, what do you want to eat?
A9: I don't know. What do you want?
Me: Sigh...um, I have to get gas now. Call me if you decide you WANT something.
So as I was driving to work, I began thinking of all the things I could get to eat at the grocery store instead of eating the packet of oatmeal I brought. I began rationalizing it, by telling myself I just went running, and blah, blah. Then I would feel bad because I just told myself I was going to be good. This fight went on in my head for about three minutes. Then I stopped. I took a step outside of this conversation, and searched for the WHY.
Why did my co-worker suggesting I bring her food start me down the path of destruction? Why did I feel I could justify eating a bagel, a muffin, or donuts? Why couldn't I get the idea of eating something bad out of my head? I mean, this is the same fight that I have with myself ALL the time. The food, 8 times out of 10 wins (obviously) or I wouldn't be here.
Ready for this? It dawned on me. Just like all the other mini-epiphanies I've had over the past 11 weeks, it hit me like a ton of bricks. If the sun hadn't been out shining in the cloudless sky today, I'm sure the clouds would have parted for this. This is BY FAR the best revelation I've ever had about myself, and WHY I am the way I am.
Ok, to delve into this requires a little background on my personality and my upbringing. I have ALWAYS been a rebellious person. Ever since I can remember I have always been trying to fight something. Telling me not to do something is almost a guarantee that I will do that said thing. I'm always looking for ways around the rules, instigating stuff.
Just about my whole life, I have been told that food is bad. Eating too much is bad. Certain foods are bad. When you are overweight, being seen eating is bad. Bad, bad, bad. Food and eating have this whole "forbidden" quality to me. At the same time, everything in my house growing up revolved around food. Nothing could happen until we knew what the menu was. Celebrations were food, tragedy's were food. Everything was food, yet food was bad.
So, what does a rebellious person do when they learn that food is bad? What do they do when they know they are overweight and eating certain foods is bad? I GET A THRILL (a high) OFF EATING BAD FOOD BECAUSE I KNOW I SHOULDN'T BE EATING IT, THEREFORE I FEEL LIKE A BADASS. I buy food that I know I shouldn't eat, and eat it because I'm not supposed to. I make delicious cakes and cookies and other stuff because I know its not what my boyfriend/mom/dad/whoever wants me to do. Sometimes I hide my horrible eating like some naughty secret. This is how I satisfy my need to be rebellious? By eating horrible food for me, and eating in excess? Wow. Well, me being a "bad ass" has made me a fat ass.
Some people cheat on their husbands/wives/partners. Some people get drunk and do silly things. Some people jump off cliffs in winged suits. Some people smoke cigarettes or inject drugs. Some people lie all the time. Me? I eat bad food. Lol. It is almost comical. This is how I've been defeating myself all these years? By making food taboo, by making food "bad" I was creating this fake world where I was a rebel, doing what I want, eating what I want. For what? To prove what? That I could get fat? That I could hide eating food from people (and somehow they would have no idea, even though my ass is huge)? Oooh...go me, so tough.
Well now that I've figured this out, I feel like an idiot and a genius all at once. I feel so free, like I just found the cure to lifelong happiness. The jig is up, my friends! Secret eating, over-eating, and bad food eating does not make me a bad-ass, it only makes me a fat-ass!