Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Sign Please?

So, you know how in movies, when the protagonist is at some crossroads or perceived peril in their life, they without a doubt almost always look up at the camera and say something to the effect of "please, somebody give me a sign..." The very next day, some grandiose act occurs, and our character in distress is directed onto the right path, and life is good.

I don't remember asking for a sign, but I REALLY wish I would stop getting them. I get it: I'm overweight, eat too much, have been making poor health decisions, been in denial, and many aspects of my life are suffering because of these facts.

Over the last month, I've had three distinct moments (signs) that I cannot ignore, which have brought to my attention just how distant from myself I have become.

1. I went sailing for the first time in 7 years in the type of boat I used to race everyday in college. I felt humongous. Had the boats shurnk? I felt like I was an adult trying to ride a tricycle. I instantly became so aware of my size...there is nothing like getting into a small boat to become aware of your own weight, but wow. I did the quick math, and realized I was about 60-70 pounds heavier than my college weight. In racing these small boats, that 60-70 pounds is the difference between winning and losing.

2. At a recent Doctor's appointment, I saw on the scale I was 12 pounds heavier then my previous known highest weight.

3. And the nail in the coffin...I got a Wii Fit Plus yesterday. My boyfriend and I were setting it up, and I went first through the set-up routine as my boyfriend watched. I've never shared how much I weigh with my boyfriend, and the realization that it was about to pop up on our 46" Samsung gave me a minor heart attack. I tried to get him to look away. He did not. Deep breath...and well, the Wii confirmed what the scale at the gym had told me (which is 4 lbs lighter then a week ago, thank you very much). If my boyfriend was shocked, he hid it well. During his set-up, I learned that he is only 6 pounds heavier then me. He is 7 feet tall (for real) and I am 5'5." Wow.

I want these 3 moments to live in the forefront of my mind forever. I want to use them as the fuel that gets me out of bed every morning to work out, and as the reason for eating healthy food in portions that are correct for me. I want to show everyone who is not watching that THIS IS NOT ME. I want to be competitive the next time I step into a dinghy. I want the Doctor to not be silently shaking his head after recording my weight. But most of all, I want myself back.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so proud of you! We all have our own demons and it's brave of you to face yours head on and w/ as much enthusiasam as you are. You're going to get where you want to be.. I have no doubts at all. :) And I could always be standing by w/ a gin/tonic in celebration (wayyyy less calories than wine/beer/girly drinks - I've already investigated!).