Thursday, January 7, 2010

I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.

Not. There are of course, pro's and con's to this job, but for the most part, I am against the way my boss chooses to run things. I feel it is a fly-by-night operation with shitty organization, and is entirely reactive. I came here with absolutely no experience, and I received no training, and had to learn everything on my own. I'm sure that I have not learned everything the proper way.

I had a job interview today. In this economic climate, for positions that generally depend on cities/counties building things, this is an amazing feat. Not to mention the competition in Seattle is ridiculous. I have sent out at least 40 applications/resumes in the last year to every position that was advertising. This is the ONLY call back I got. When they did call me, I learned the position is in California, which would mean a 1,500 mile relocation. The job is incredibly specialized, and is definitely a reach for me. I was sort of apathetic towards this interview because I really like the new routine I have for myself. The interview was HARD. So hard that now I want nothing more then this job.

Telephone interviews allow you to wear whatever you want, make whatever crazy hand gestures you want, have notes in front of you, etc. You are merely a voice. So, I apparently interested them enough that they want to have me come down there for a second interview in person. A hands on interview where they have me do some modeling and write ups. This throws me into a panic on two fronts: a) I cannot hide my weight in person, and b) my lack of proper training is about to be showcased in front of my next potential employer.

I know technically they can not use my weight as a factor for not hiring me, but what if it is subconscious? What if they have the same biases towards fat people that I have (lack of self confidence, lazy, don't have their shit together)? The last time I saw my mom, she told me that "no one is going to hire you if you are that fat." This is slightly taken out of context, but the message is there. I can't get that out of my head. I'd like to think she is wrong, but I can not change the perception that people have of overweight people.

The possibility that my 2.5 years here has been learning the wrong way of doing things and shortcuts that are only applicable to this office scares the crap out of me. How am I ever going to get out of here if all this time I've only been fooling myself thinking I have all these skills that I really don't, because my boss doesn't train us, or check our work, and he knows that no one reads what we write anyway, so it will all get approved?! This is a maddening realization that I half-had on my telephone interview today. My office is bullshit, and this potentially new office is going to see right through it. I now have the task of trying to learn as much as possible so I don't seem like a complete ass when I go down there.

I am a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. If this job and relocation is meant to be, then I will get hired. If not, I have a job. I have a solid network here in Seattle, and something better will come along. I know these things to be true, but it is so easy to get caught up in rush of things, and want things that are not necessarily best for me. What is truly amazing about life is that you always get what you really need, even if its the last thing you would ever think that you need. I can easily look to the past and see how perfect my life weaved itself, despite of all my temporary wants.

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