Sometimes when I think about people reading this blog, it amazes me. Mostly because I'm not one of those flashy bloggers that is losing 1-2 pounds/week nor have I lost over 100 pounds. Sure, I've lost upwards of 40 pounds, but its taken me over 2 years. Talk about boring, right? I'm bored just typing about it. But you know what? By coming here and recounting little tidbits about my diet choices and my exercise habits, I've learned ridiculous amounts about my body, and have a record of it.
Last week during my trip to Texas, I had another sort of "break through" with my thinking and eating as I was reflecting on the days that caused me to start my year over. It all started innocently enough- the first day of my meetings I was a rockstar. I hit the gym in the AM. Instead of greasy breakfast, I drank a protein shake in my room, and downed some fish oil. I drank my gallon of water. Instead of the cookies they brought in for afternoon snack, I ate walnuts and pecans out of a ziplock baggie in my purse. I was doing it! I was continuing my good choices in an environment that wasn't as controlled as I was used to. Then came dinner.
We were bussed to a fancy restaurant in the old Fort Worth Stockyards. My wine glass never reached half empty before it was re-filled. Our menu was prixe-fixe, and came with dessert. That being the second time I had drank wine in nearly 60 days, it was divine. My steak and asparagus and mashed potatoes were amazing. The next thing I knew, a giant cookie cut in half with ice cream sandwiched between drizzled with chocolate ganache was placed before me. I looked at it, and thought a few things: 1) I wondered what it would do to me after such an intense month of being "good." 2) I felt I could "handle it" 3) I knew eating it would make it hard to turn down the next thing that came my way.
I ate it. I enjoyed every second of it, because it was really good. As I was savoring each bite, I thought to myself "this is WORTH it." The next morning I woke up (slight hangover) and hit the gym. I did not drink my protein shake, and rather went for the eggs/bacon breakfast being served. I didn't drink as much water. When the huge cookies came out at our 3pm break, I had not only one, but TWO. Again, as I was almost instantly struck with a sickness in my stomach and an intense headache, I thought "this is worth it." The next morning, I skipped the gym, but did have my protein shake, along with 2 mini-breakfast pastries, sweet potato fries at lunch time, and hardly any water. Slippery slope, I tell ya.
When I returned home, I put the brakes on, and started my year over at Day 365. Again. Now, at day 361, I'm still not out of the fog, but its coming, and I can see the light. I know how much better I feel when I'm eating lots of protein, veggies, and drinking water. We know this. The workouts at the gym this week seem to be in line with punishing me for my behavior last week, but I've been pretty happy with my performance. I am not letting Texas throw me down a worm hole. I'm back in the saddle. As proof, the scale is showing the same numbers it was at the end of February, and I keep seeing signs of fat loss around my body (dents in places that used to be smooth and muscle definition in new places).
So, back to my big break through? When it comes to the desserts and crap, for me, it will ALWAYS be worth it. I will be sick to my stomach, feeling guilty as all get out, headache raging, and I will still think that whatever sugary/floury/sweet thing I just ate was worth it. Because that is addiction for you. Sugar is my heroin. To end on a more positive note- I seem to be able to return to my preferred diet more quickly after a "cheat" then previously. Also, my weight doesn't fluctuate as much as it did before following a "cheat" and my "cheats" are way fewer and farther between then before this whole 365 days of no sugar/grains/blah/blah challenge. Maybe old dogs can learn new tricks, and this whole thing just takes ridiculous amounts of time to master. Heh, if everything goes as planned, I should have at least another 50 years to get it figured out.