What Are You?

I think I have blog ADHD.  I keep changing things.  My plan, my focus, my background, my goals, etc.  I would say sorry, but I'm not.  I think the constant changing is reflective of where I'm at a particular time.  There is no reason to stick to something if its no longer serves a purpose.  Sometimes I get frustrated that I'm still "on this journey" and all that crap.  I mean, come on, people on Biggest Loser lose more weight in 3 weeks than I've lost in over 2 years (but...do they keep it off?!).  I thought about just stopping this blog altogether, but the only reason for my mind wandering there is when I try to think about what readers would be thinking about me.  Then I remembered that I don't write for my readers (sorry!).

That being said, I'm over the year long challenge thing.  I'm sure some of you that know me well predicted this.  Uh, hello, I'm fat, clearly I'm not good at sticking to things!  I believe it lost its effectiveness somewhere around the 3rd time I started my year over.  Whatev's.  Moving on.

On Saturday, I had a little come-to-Jesus with myself.  I have no idea what that means, except for that people say it when they want to express groups getting on the same page, or reaching some understanding.  So, yeah, my head and my body came to an understanding and for about the bazillionth time, something clicked.  I know what foods I need to eat to feel good.  I know how much and what types of exercises make me feel good.  I have goals that I want to achieve- hello, pull-up?  So, doing anything OTHER then eating the foods that make me feel good, doing the exercise that makes me feel good, and working toward my goals is completely counter-productive.  Um, duh, right?  Well, I've been going through the motions, but I didn't REALLY get why until that moment.   Every workout is a chance for me to push my boundaries so that I improve.  Every calorie I put in my mouth needs to support my exercise.  I've been thinking so hard about what I can and can't eat, it creates this artificial want for the foods I "can't" eat and focuses too much of my thinking around food.  I need to focus on living and my goals.  In reality, I can eat anything I want.  The questions I have to ask myself are: "how will I feel after I eat it?" "Is this going to help me on my path to my goals?" 

Also, I think I've been way too hard on myself.  Food is just food.  If I eat a piece of bread and I'm "paleo" that doesn't make me a bad person.  It is not a reason for me to spend time feeling guilty or punish myself in some other way (starting my year over, exercising, etc.).  My body and my abilities are reflective of what I do the majority of the time, NOT the minority.  However, that being said, I know that eating grains does not make me feel my best, therefore, I will choose to avoid them.  I know that if I remove certain items from my rotation (pasta, pizza, sandwiches, sweets, etc.), I will not only quit craving them, but if I do decide to have them, they don't taste nearly like what I remember/had them built up in my head to be.  A true and utter let down- but again, a good reason to just keep them off the radar.  Duh again, I know.

It wasn't until I caught a glimpse of what I didn't want to be, that I realized what it is I want to be.  I want to be someone that looks like they actually do crossfit.  I want to be someone that looks like they eat incredibly well.  Right now I'm not so sure those things are apparent, and there is no one to blame but myself.  Sure I've made some pretty big gains in my strength, and I really dug in to my diet to find items that make me feel like crap, but it was more going with what I thought I should be doing versus with purpose.  Just aimless swimming upstream, no drive to spawn (in the Pacific Northwest everything can be explained with a salmon metaphor).  In my come to Jesus, I realized I'm very close to living the life I want to live.  I've laid the foundation, and now its time to build.

Today is a great day.  It's like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and my path is clear.  I woke up feeling kinda crappy due to some nutrient-poor food choices on Sunday.  I was stuffed-up, sneezy, sluggish, bloated and just blah feeling.  I ate my 6oz chicken breast for breakfast (with a little yam for complex carbs/flavor), drank a sh*t ton of water, and by 11:00am, felt good as new.  Before heading to the gym, I downed some energy drink and BCAA's (my proven recipe for a good workout) laced up my running shoes and headed out to the gym.  When I got outside, I was met with glorious sunshine.  Not just any sunshine, but warm sunshine.  I happily made my way to the gym, completely KICKED MY ASS (more on that in a second), and turned down an offer for a ride back to the office so I could run!  

This week is baseline week.  At the gym there are a few choice workouts that we do every couple of months to evaluate our progress.  Today we did the 22 minute routine, or as I described in my post on December 30, 2011- Holy Hard Workout.  There were a whole slew of new people in the class today, and man, if this was the first crossfit workout I ever did, I'm not sure I would've come back.  We'll see how many of them make it back.  So, as we made our way through a 22 minute AMRAP of : 15 upright rows, 15 deadlifts, 15 bent rows, 15 deadlift high pulls, 15 squat thrusts, 15 push press, 15 front squats (35# bar for me) I focused on trying to hang onto the bar as long as possible, keeping my breathing in check, and minimizing breaks.  At some point I was just in a zone.  I don't know how my body was moving because my mind certainly wasn't telling it to, it just was.  I had sweat pouring off my face and dripping down my nose.  My hands and wrists were glistening, and I'm sure I was a brilliant shade of red.  I wanted to get through 4 rounds in 22 minutes.  I made it to 4.2 rounds.  I collapsed on the floor for a second to catch my breath, and the couple who's first day it was asked "how many rounds did you get?"  "Um, (exhale) 4 and (exhale) some more."  Woman of couple said "you were going so fast."  Man of couple "So, what are you?  You aren't human."  Lol.  Its all relative, buddy...(I didn't say that, but I was thinking it.)  Compared to the rock star chicks at the gym, my score was pretty average.  BUT...I improved over my last time!  I finished my complete 4th round at 20 minutes this time (allowing me to get through 10 of the bent rows in my 5th round), and last time, I just completed 4 rounds at the 22 minute mark.  I'm pretty happy with that.

I switched out of my weight lifting shoes to my running shoes and the couple was in the parking lot.  One of the trainers was talking to them and asked me "do you want a ride?"  "Nah, I said, cool down run!"  I heard the man of the couple say to the trainer as I jogged off "she's not human."  HAHAHAHHAHAHA.  I think just the opposite...I'm finally acting like the human I've always wanted to be!