Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Vote: Is this behavior normal?

Ok, yesterday I vowed to get my crap together. I blogged about it. I planned my meals. I went to CrossFit. I drank my water. And then, DISASTER struck. Once the disaster was over, I couldn't help but think to myself, is this normal behavior? Or is this the kind of thing that keeps me blogging about my fat ass and not getting me any closer to doing a pull-up?

So, my day went like this:
Left over Cauliflower pizza with sliced pork and pineapple on top. Estimated calories- 200
Pork chop, baby carrots, 2 satsumas. Estimated calories- 350
CrossFit- 30 minutes of warm-up exercises, 10 minutes of workout
Got home, started making dinner (a pork chop)- they were on sale, gimme a break.
While dinner was cooking, I looked over at my failed "cookie" attempt from the weekend. I tried to make shortbread cookies to send to my relatives on the East Coast, and I wanted to make a bunch, so I doubled the recipe, and then after baking a batch realized I had done the math wrong, and omitted a FULL CUP of flour. So, instead of nice cookies, I had flat, lacy disks. I took the remainder of the batter, put it into an 8X8 pan, and cooked it like brownies.
I looked over at the untouched failed cookies, and thought "what a waste of all those ingredients. I wonder if I can somehow turn them into something good?" So then naturally I had to cut into the 8X8 mass to see what it tasted like to even see if they were salvageable.
So, there I am, freshly out of a CrossFit workout, with dinner cooking, about to taste a chunk of failed "cookie." One taste turned into 2, then 4, then maybe 1,000,000. Turns out the cookies weren't so much of a taste fail, just an appearance fail. I made myself sick by the time my dinner was ready.
I wasn't even hungry, but forced myself to eat 1/2 a pork chop because I knew I needed something else in me besides sugar.

Its not so much what I did (eat the cookies) but HOW I did it (like a crazed person who has been lost at sea for 74 days and is just having their first bite of food). I couldn't stop. I kept going back for more. Even though I knew it was wrong/bad/whatever.

I know some people might look at my food for the day and say "well, that's not enough food, you set yourself up for failure." That may be true for some, but when I'm eating Paleo, I really don't eat very much food. I get a lot of natural fat in my meals, and that keeps me satiated. It wasn't hunger that compelled me to eat the taste of cookie that led to 1,000,000 tastes, it was the guilt from "wasting" ingredients, and then some ingredient in the cookie making it impossible for me to stop once I started.

Sigh. More proof that I can not do this less then 100%. I can not be good all day and then have "one bite" of something. I can not be good for a month and then have "one cheat day." It just doesn't work for me!

1 comment:

  1. Completely okay. That is fighting against millions of years of evolution to not eat fat and sugar when its available. I am not saying that you should just give in. But I am saying to not be so hard on yourself if cookie-eating happens. The only way I don't eat cookies is if I don't have them around. That you can make this stuff to send to people is amazing!

    Just get back on the horse because feeling bad about it will just lead to more falling off. Darling- we are humans.