When I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, I no longer see what other people are doing (or not doing). Being constantly bombarded with thoughts and ideas of what so-and-so is eating today, or what so-and-so said they did at the gym last night is maddening. It fills my head with useless thoughts or worries- other peoples worries and prevents me from staying present in my own head, in my own life. I'm violating the first rule every single person is taught- mind your own business. Why is it so hard for me?
Instead of just waking up every morning with a smile on my face thankful for the roof over my head, the air that I breathe, and freedom, I unconsciously search for some external force to validate me. Wow, that is a hard thing to type. I don't really know how else to explain why it is that when I lose my focus on what is important to me, I feel the need to tear others down.
Lately I've been reading blog posts of authors that I usually enjoy, only to find myself incredibly negative and cynical to their triumphs or failures. What I really am is negative and cynical to MY triumphs and failures. I don't give myself enough credit, or trust myself enough to just keep my head down and power through the tough times. I look for flaws and weakness in others and in turn further distract myself from the matters at hand -that none of it matters. The only thing that is important is me doing what I need to do for me everyday.
Somehow, somewhere I lost sight of that. I forgot that I go to the gym because I like it, and I want to be the best I can be, not because I just want to tell people that I go to CrossFit. I forgot that I eat real foods because they make me perform my best, not because going Paleo is trendy. I forgot that I was trying to lose weight, not just hang out here at the same weight for months and critize others for counting calories. I forgot that I am capable of so much more then what I'm currently doing.
I keep this blog because it is more then just a place for me to be held accountable, it is a place for me to examine and reflect on all aspects of my health- mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional. I believe they are all intertwined, and if I begin to fall into old or bad habits with one, the rest will soon follow. The only way I can think to get out of this pattern of being consumed with what others are doing is to dive deeper into myself, and focus on the things I know I should be doing. There is always room for me to improve, and if I'm focused on improving, I will be less focused on how others can improve.