Even MORE Exciting Updates

I could probably write 3 different posts on all the information I'm about to spit out, but in the spirit of efficiency, I'm just gonna lay it all out. I realized after pushing "publish" on my picture post, I forgot to include a picture of my new stove that has continued to impress me more and more each time I use it (I'm not easily impressed). I don't think I'll ever be able to go back to an electric stove again, ever. Here she is:

Next, yesterday I took about 10 minutes to temporarily convert my current sitting desk into a standing desk. I looked around in my cube for props, found some, and it all just came together. I realized how ridiculous this is/looks, and then like some sort of divine standing desk intervention, I walked into another cube to deliver some misplaced mail, and saw that individual had a raised desk in their office! I went to the lady that runs the office and coordinates cubicle set up and asked if I could do that. She was beyond excited/eager to help. She also said that they will keep my current sitting desk (implying I wouldn't last a week). HAHAHAHA! Little does she know. Anyway, before and after pics:















Lastly, a few days ago at the gym, as I was parking, a girl who has been a solid regular for years came dashing out to my car. We rarely workout at the same time, but she had the day off. As I'm getting out of my car, she says to me "what size are you? Oh, sorry is that rude? Anyway, I have these Lululemon shorts that are too big for me, and do you want them?" They are my size. I tell her she's not rude, I have no problem telling her my size, and accept the gift. I was SOOOO excited and flattered that she thought to give them to me. And Lululemon shorts? AWESOME!

After the workout I was so excited to get home and try them on. The girl that gave them to me said that she hasn't lost any weight, just that all of her clothes have become to big. She is amazing to watch workout. She can do multiple real pull-ups, consistently puts up the heaviest weights for girls, Rx's almost all her workouts, and frequently beats boys. She is strong, and inspiring.

I get home and put on the shorts. They are so comfortable, however a little too short for comfort. I will wear them around the house no problem, but will have to lose a few inches before I will feel comfortable sporting them at the gym:
Speaking of losing inches, you may have noticed I got rid of my weight loss/BMI tracker thing. I added a new page to the top of my blog (next to Weekly Food Logs) where I will report changes in my measurements. I totaled up measurements from my upper arms, waist (narrowest part), belly (at belly button), thighs, and calves. Every 2 weeks I'll re-measure, and that will be how I determine progress.

I could probably type for hours on how a scale is no representation of body composition. I could type for more hours on how damn near every single blogger seems obsessed with the number and getting to some "goal weight." Gah! Makes me want to puke. Of course, that is what separates me from so many others. That and the knowledge that:
1) I can eat bacon wrapped avocado every morning (all the fat I want)
2) I don't have to exercise if I don't want to (you can't work off a bad diet)
3) I can gain weight (retain/ build muscle)
4) I never count calories (as long as I eat Paleo foods)

AND STILL GET SMALLER/LOSE FAT/GET HEALTHIER!

The Picture Post

Rather than try and re-tell everything that has happened since my last laptop died forcing me to blog from my phone, and therefore unable to post pictures...I'll show you since I can post pictures now!!!
Lilacs bloomed.
The chickens moved outside.
Birthday pedicure and free ranging chickens!
Backyard is summer ready!
My first Sounders game. Fans are NUTS! So fun.
We think we MAY have a cock. I hope not, but if so, we'll be having fresh chicken to go with our fresh eggs.
Grillin'
Perfected my wall handstand
Lots of grillin'

Heavy Lifting

First post from new laptop! Yay! Technology is some amazing stuff.

This week has been a whirlwind of workgymmeetingsyardworkdogparkrepeat. I should even be heading to bed right now instead of typing this since I've been up for 18 hours. I'm so ready for the weekend, and tomorrow is only Thursday. What a tease, and more meetings. I knew this week was going to be nuts, and on Sunday I was complaining to the bf deluxe that I wouldn't be able to make it into the gym sooner then Thursday. He knows how much I hate missing the gym.

Monday our furnace guy rescheduled to Tuesday, the only problem with that is I had to cancel the haircut I scheduled. Haircut vs. stove and heat? Haircut loses. So that freed me up for a surprise gym session. It was even the bf deluxe's idea! AND he went with me to watch because I told him we could go to BestBuy after and look at computers...we all know how that ended up!

Monday's workout was HEAVY. As in we had to lift super heavy weights, but not very many times. In 10 minutes, we had to complete as many rounds as possible of 7 ring dips, 3 hang clean & jerk, 1 deadlift. Hang cleans are my least favorite major lift. Deadlifts are one of my favorites, and dips...eh, no one likes ring dips! I set my weight up...I knew I wanted 185 to be my deadlift since it was only one rep, and my one rep max is 200+. I know I can clean & jerk 100+ but hang cleans are a different story, so I tested 95 pounds. No go. 85 pounds it was. And did I mention it was heavy? The workout was not as taxing on my cardio system as one where we run/box jump/wall ball/burpee, but at the end I was spent and sweating like crazy. Once I recovered, I felt amazing. I can only attribute that feeling to lifting HEAVY. And then I got a new laptop.

I got another surprise yesterday when the bf-deluxe got off work early, and could therefore meet the furnace guy, meaning I COULD GO TO THE GYM! Again- bf deluxes idea. I must be much nicer when I go to the gym or something. Anyway, still feeling like I gave myself a good workout the day before, I was really hoping for a workout that didn't involve too much mental stamina or running. I knew as soon as I had that thought I was going to walk into a grueling workout, and just accepted that as my fate. I walked into the gym, took a look at the board, and saw quite possibly the best words I could have ever seen. "Back Squat- 3-3-3-3-3." YES! My absolute favorite thing in the world! I was beyond excited and relieved. We paired off, and began setting up. I was paired with a guy. We were given a quick demo in spotting our partners, and how to properly bail during a back squat.

We were attempting to find out 3 rep maximum, meaning, the highest weight we could do 3 times unbroken. Ideally, you want to start at a weight and increase until the last set is your 3 rep max. My partner and I quickly talked strategy, and decided we would like to start at 135# and go up from there. My sets were 135, 145, 155, 175, 185. No problem. I love back squats. Probably because I'm good at them. Probably because last time we tested, my one rep max was higher than any other girl at the gym. Even the most kick ass girl that can do everything. Then when I got home, I had a working new (to me) gas stove, and a new working gas furnace (first day of summer? Whatever).

My conclusion? Lifting heavy makes good things happen. Or makes me buy things. Either way, lift heavy.

Almost Back to Normal

Today has the potential to be a glorious day.  I'm not speaking of simply the weather, although that's looking pretty good so far.  I'm talking about my stove, or lack of a working stove due to lack of a working outlet.  Yes, today could be the first day in 7? 8? weeks that I get to use a stove!  Oh, how I miss slow cooking huge chunks of marbled meat, the sound and smell of onions sauteeing in coconut oil, roasted vegetables, and chili!  I can make chili!!! 
 
About 8 weeks ago, I mistakenly assumed my electric stove of uknown age/origin went out.  I was in the middle of cooking steaks for my lunches the next few days, and bam!  Sizzling stopped.  Stove cold.  I did the basic trouble-shooting.  Turned burner off/back on.  Tested other burners.  Checked the breaker box.  Reset fuse.  Unplugged/plugged back in.  That is the extent of my fix-it abilities.  My conclusion- stove broken.  Then the bf-deluxe gave it a shot.  He did all the things I did, then took the stove apart looking for loose/misconnected wires.  He found nothing.  His conclusion?  Stove broken. 
 
I was in the last week of my nutrition challenge.  We were in the middle of switching our oil furnace to natural gas, meaning that if we were smart, we should get a gas stove and not fix/get a new electric stove.  I started my Craigslist search.  It didn't take me long to find a super awesome deal on an incredible stove.  It was a duel-fuel (electric oven, gas range) 40" heavy duty stove.  I jumped on it, since the space our stove needed was 41," and the majority of stoves out there are 30" inches, it would be a perfect fit!  Our broken stove looked so tiny in the huge space it needed to fill.  It was like it was meant to be.
 
We arranged to get the stove.  We still didn't have gas to the house yet, but that was coming in a few weeks, but it didn't matter so much because the oven was electric!  We could use the oven and wait for the range to be hooked up after the gas was brought to the house!  I was so excited!  It had only been 3 weeks, but I was sick of grilling.  I wanted to roast veggies and make cauliflower pizza!  I was sad when I couldn't bake a cake for a friends birthday. 
 
Into the house the stove went.  It looked so good in the empty spot- it was a perfect fit!  We plugged it in.  No display came on.  I pressed some buttons, wiggled some dials...a few display lights came on.  What the?  I call the people we got the stove from asking if there were any tricks to plugging it in.  They advised we check our outlet.  The ONE thing we did not do when checking over the "broken" electric stove.  Bf-deluxe checked the outlet.  Sure enough, one side, hot.  Other side-dead.  
 
So our stove didn't go out afterall, the outlet did.  Luckily our awesome furnace installer can fix the outlet, AND hook up the gas to the range.  We just have to work around his schedule...he's been taking a lot of vacations!  Today, furnance installer is coming out, hopefully for the last time in a long time.  We finally have gas to the house (took weeks for permit/gas co to sign off on permit) so he is going to test the furnace, fix the wire mis-hap leading to the stove outlet, and hook up the gas range! 
 
YAYAYAYAYAY!  It is a little ironic that I have been waiting/needing the stove to come back so I can eat Paleo more easily.  I mean, when you think about it, a grill should be all I need, right?  That's how our ancestors did it!  Meat over an open flame.  They also went out for hours and hunted prey, wore animal carcasses, and never showered.  I have a job, I like the GAP, and I shower.  So yes, my stove makes Paleo way easier, especially when its raining and going out for a meal at a restaurant (where I don't get to control what goes into my food) sounds WAY better then grilling another bratwurst. 
 
Oh, and the bf-deluxe threw a fit in BestBuy last night and we left with a new laptop (it was so cheap, I don't even care if it lasts only one year).  This will be my last iPhone post.  DOUBLE YAYAYAYYAYAYAYAY!!!!!  Life is nearly returning to normal. 

Stand Up For Yourself

If you've been following my blog for awhile, then you know I frequently go on kicks of trying new things.  At first I thought this was a major problem of mine- that I couldn't just stick to doing one thing.  Now I think of it as experimentation that leads to evolution.  For all I knew, "going Paleo" was one of those kicks.  It ended up sticking.  CrossFit was one of those kicks, it ended up sticking.  How could I possibly know that I'm doing the absolute best for me unless I keep testing new things?!?!?!  That would be like if I held on to my Razr cell phone forever (hey, it was the sh*t when it came out) while everyone else is walking around with iPhones!
 
So, before I go into the details of the latest kick I've been thinking of going on, I will update you on my most recent ones.  Eating a recovery snack after a workout, and two cheat meals/week:
Recovery- Going great.  I have been sure to pack a post-workout snack with me, and despite odd looks I get from gym buddies when I'm chomping on a chicken leg post-WOD, I will continue.  The hardest part about this is that I'm never hungry after a workout.  So, convincing myself to try and eat something seems counter-intuitive...especially in the weight loss sense of things when the prevailing word is never eat when you aren't hungry!  But...one thing I have noticed is that when I do eat something protein packed immediately after a workout, when I'm not hungry, it actually prevents that whole 1 hour later RAVENOUS thing I usually get.  So my dinner when I do get around to making/eating it is waayyy lighter.  Have I mentioned that in general, I always feel better when I eat less?  That is a bonus, and perhaps the reason why all the experts recommend a recovery snack?  As far as reductions in soreness, gaining progress quicker, and fat loss, I'm not sure how I would measure that, so I don't have any comment on that yet.  Its also only been 2 weeks?  So way to early to tell.
 
Two cheat meals/week:
I think I'm going to go down to one cheat meal/week (two is too (ha) many).  I'm also not going to start the cheat meals till I've had 3 weeks or so of clean eating (no cheats) or once I know I'm in Ketosis- remember how I said I always know when my body "flips that switch?"  Well, the switch is in need of flipping again, so once that happens, I will proceed with the allowed once a week cheat.  It is not fair of me to try and attempt to give myself cheat meals when I have not fully flushed the offending items out of my body yet.  In the past few weeks I've had a few too many celebratory drinks and meals (birthday week).  Once that stuff is out of my system, I don't even want to eat items that may look tempting right now. 
 
I've found a handy explanation to this pattern of mine in which I'm really good for a period of time, then I justify eating something I'm "not supposed to" (I've been good for a week, I deserve this!) which leads to more justification (well, I've already screwed up, soo...), and more bad decisions.  One of my favorite blogs: http://www.health-act.net/ just did a post on self-justification in order to avoid cognitive dissonance.  I self-justify the actions to avoid the cognitive dissonace of eating something I know does not align with my fat-loss goals.  My brain fools my brain in order to prevent my brain from fooling itself.  Wow.  That is some crazy sh*t.  So, the idea is I need to stop the fooling of myself, just allow myself without any guilt to eat or drink something that might be viewed as bad once a week.  By allowing this once a week guilt free action, I eliminate the need for justifications, which apparently, are just as addicting as carbs.
 
Drum roll please....
 
Now for my newest idea/kick/thought- ready for it?  Ok, here I go:
I want a stand-up desk.  There seems to be a lot of recent chatter on this topic, and after reading this article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/17/magazine/mag-17sitting-t.html?_r=1&ref=magazine
 
I decided I'm going to start speaking with the powers at be here in the office to make this happen.  I feel I have been here long enough that this request won't be viewed as "weird needy new girl wants WHAT?"  The best part of this plan is the even newer girl that got hired 2 months ago is a "health and wellness advisor" or some other stupid title (ok, if you can't tell, she annoys me with her peppyness and optimism) and she is so eager to shake things up- which is ironic because most of the information I overhear her saying is stupid.  In her defense, I guess it sort of goes with her territory that random folks pop into her cubicle and ask how to get "healthy."  Anyway...I'm going to take advantage of her eagerness and see if I can't be some sort of test subject.  I have a feeling this proposal will be right up her alley, and hey, if it gets me what I want, and works for her, WIN WIN.  I took the liberty of printing the NY Times Magazine article for her to peruse...now to strike up a conversation with her that doesn't seem like I'm trying to hard...
 
Stay tuned! 

Winning vs. Losing

Last Wednesday, I got talked into joining a team for a "Challenge" event.  They have them in various cities all over the country, and its sort of like The Amazing Race, except not on TV, and you don't get to do as cool of things.  Just before the start of the race, an envelope is handed out, and teams are told when they can open it.  Inside are 12 clues to locations in which your team must photograph itself at, and each team is permitted to skip one location.
 
I was on a team of 4, and, of course, my other 3 teammates were exceptional athletes.  As in, everything they touch turns to gold.  Wish I was kidding (maybe I need to surround myself with less-amazing people? Ha, kidding).  Some of our friends formed another group, so of course, now we were in competition!  I haven't really been feeling on top of my game lately, I was super sore from my previous two workouts, and to top it all off, there was no bag check!  I took the bus down to the starting line to avoid traffic, and packed a bag with a change of clothes for after, figuring they must have a place for us to store excess bags/sweatshirts, etc.  Nope, I was wrong, and rather then a backpack, I had my SLUT with me (Single Lady Urban Tote) with one diagonal strap, and too much bag. 
 
The start of the race was in a beer garden, so of course, beer must be consumed before the race.  I probably should have figured that given the company I was in, we would be RUNNING as much as possible, and drinking a beer before running is not my preferred pre-race fuel.  Down went the tasty beer as we put on our race day shirts, pinned our bibs, and donned our matching red hats. 
 
We received our envelopes, waited for the countdown, and opened them.  Four people trying to read one piece of paper as fast as possible and think about things is tough.  I spotted a clue that I knew right away and said, "I know where this is, lets go!"  So off we went.  Running.  Fast (for me).  My bag was cumbersome, the beer in my belly sloshed around, my friends were WAAAAY ahead, my legs ached from too many squats.  I started to feel like I was going to overheat.  We arrived at the first clue.  We decided to take some time to figure out the rest of the clues so we could plan a route.  Pens were out, iPhones were googling, ideas were considered, and then shot down just as quick. 
 
We didn't want to move too fast for fear of missing something, but we were in a race!  We found our next clue, and were making our way hurriedly through the most touristy places, on a sunny Saturday.  It was fun.  My help was definitely needed with the clues, but my slow pace was a hinderance for sure.  Especially for people who want to go fast, having something deliberately slowing them down is not cool.  Again, another reason to never let yourself get fat/out of shape. 
 
Next thing I knew, we were on our last clue, with a clear path back to the finish line.  I knew it was a long stretch back.  We were running and passing other teams that were just walking.  I knew by the time that we had to be doing pretty well.  We got to the intersection near the finish...waited forever for the red light, (meanwhile a team on the other side of the street had a green light and stuck past).  Our team finished 16th out of 200ish teams to start.  Only 157 teams finished.  We were pretty exicted about that result.  Again, I have to give a lot of credit to the company I was with...that whole everything they touch turns to gold thing?  Yeah. 
 
And we beat our other team of friends.  More beer was consumed after the race (much better timing).  It was a good day, and eye opening to the fact that I still have a long way to go.  I read somewhere that winners compare their achievements to their goals, where as losers compare their achievements to others.  I think nothing could be more true in this situation.  If I compare what I accomplished on Saturday (we covered over 4.5 miles) with my goals (participating in life) I WIN!  If I compare my performance on Saturday to my three teammates who have taken better care of themselves for their entire lives, I LOSE.  So, I'm going to chose to win, and continue to work at what I can do.  Maybe this means next year they won't want me on their team?  Or maybe next year they will?   

Please, Don't Be A Sheep

Have you ever gotten into an argument with a friend or family member in which you knew you were SO right (not even the slightest question in your mind) yet they kept regergetating the same tired argument that made no sense?  And this argument escalated so much that you began to question your reasoning for even having them as a friend (or your genetics)?  You keep laying down facts backed up with DATA, and they are so emotionally tied to what they "feel" is right, you might as well be talking to a wall?  You explain the same concept in mulitple ways because your understanding of it is so far above and beyond what they think the actual issue is?  Does any of this ever happen to anyone else?
 
Some douche's with the U.S. News recently published an article about the top 20 diets, ranked.  The whole article was incredibly oversimplified (big print, pictures), teeming with mis-information, and frankly, representative of EVERYTHING that is wrong with America today.  1) people in powerful positions (lobbists) taking advantage of the fact that the majority of americans will not do their own research, and take the opportunity to mislead the country 2) major media outlets afraid to print what might be true for fear of reprocussions from people with money 3) "educating" people with the SAME diet information over and over, expecting something to change, yet the obesity and diabetes rates continue to skyrocket!
 
I feel like I'm in one of those arguments mentioned above with government nutrition guidelines, and the "experts" that mindlessly teach/promote them. 
 
First, take a look here (I apologize you have to copy/paste link because I'm still blogging from my phone) and you can see the top 20 ranked:
http://health.usnews.com/best-diet/best-overall-diets
 
Some DASH diet is #1 (never heard of it) and Paleo ranks (#20) with many common diets falling inbetween.  Not surprising, given the lack of effort people put into actually LEARNING about the science of a diet.  People (sheeple?) just want to be told what to do, and not do their own research, or pay attention to things that might not be working for them.  That is a rant for another day. 
 
Take a look now at the bottom of each mini-description, where people have voted on whether or not the diet has worked for them.  18 out of the 20 diets have more people saying they DON'T WORK then they do.  The only diets that have more people saying they DO work are The Paleo Diet, and Weight Watchers.  That information right there should speak VOLUMES about the diet.  Not only that?  The ratio of people who say that Weight Watchers works for them is roughly 2:1.  The ratio of people who say the Paleo Diet works for them?  40:1.  That's right, of this small sampling of people that decided to read and comment on this article, 40:1 have experienced success with Paleo.
 
Now, another pet peeve of mine is: how many people that need to make this correlation are going to make this correlation?  Not nearly enough, and that saddens me to my core.  Saddens me for them, saddens me for this country, and especially saddens me for the so called "experts" that publish this garbage thinking they are giving out real scientifically backed up data because its what "the government recommends" when it is proven over and over by people LIVING it, that it does not.
 
So, on that note, here is an excellent rebuttal to this ridiculous oversimplifcation and denouncing of the Paleo Diet (taken from Everyday Paleo, written by Robb Wolf):
http://robbwolf.com/2011/06/11/us-news-best-diets-rebuttal-2/
 
Spread the word people!  Pay attention to your body.  Do your own research.  Do not take every piece of diet/nutrition information at face value.  If something isn't working (eating less, moving more, ahem), try something new. 
 

Giving, Better Then Getting

The other day, at the gym I helped someone break through a barrier, and it was such a good feeling, I left the gym feeling more elated about her breakthrough then I did about reaching my max push jerk (105#!!!).  I think that many girls are afraid to lift heavy weights, or even seemingly heavy weights for fear of "getting big."  I have noticed that these girls at the gym are also the ones that tend to be lean, fashionable, and possibly wear Tori Burch flats (jealous).  Ok, so that right there might be a little profiling, and I don't want to detract from my original point- girls and lifting heavy weights.
 
I have never had a fear of heavy weights.  I want to be throwing heavy bars around.  I want to make sure I'm pushing myself to my deadlift/squat/press maxes, always.  I think since I've always been "larger" its just expected that I can lift more, and therefore I do.  I also think this may have an opposite effect on girls that are afraid of lifting weights (i.e., subconsciously or conciously? they see me, don't want to look like me, and therefore choose weights that are lighter).  I'm also not a girly girl.  Well, nothing annoys me more then seeing a girl at my gym purposely choose a weight that is lower then her ability!  The only exceptions this this are the older ladies at the gym, and the newbies learning the moves (in that case, techique is better then weight). 
 
There is one petite woman that has been coming in for many months now, and I've never really seen her progress past the 25# bar.  She's fit, she can do more.  I know that the Olympic (45#) bar can be intimidating at first, especially when you put bumper plates on it, but once you throw it around successfully a few times, you realize its not that scary, and it feels bad ass.  Plus, with the bumper plates on, if you get into trouble, you can dump it.  NOTHING is more fun then that!
 
Yesterday we were attempting to find our max push jerk.  Petite woman was getting set up, but had no idea where to begin on finding her max.  I was just sitting on the sidelines having just completed my birthday WOD (designed just for me!) cooling down after my 17 minutes of torture.  The trainer had her begin with a weight that was more then she has ever done, just to gauge where she is at.  Her first attempt was half-hearted.  I could tell immediately she had the strength, she just didn't have the confidence in herself.  I was able to convince her she could do it.  She tried again, and guess what?  She did do it!  Not only was she using the Olympic bar, she had bumper plates on the ends (the smallest ones, but whatever).  She got to experience dropping the weight on the floor from overhead for the first time. 
 
With that was a serious breakthrough.  She figured out that deep inside her, she did have the strength to lift something that her eyes told her she could not possibly do.  The energy was amazing and infectious.  She inspired the lady she was working with to try the weight she just did, and the two of them worked together pushing themselves to new territory.  It was a fantasitic site to watch. 

HSPU's a NSV

I was a chubby kid (SURPRISE!) sorry for being so cliche and predictable, but I'm not really sure where else to begin this story but from the beginning.  Even at the early age of 10, I recognized that my extra girth was preventing me from doing the same things my peers were.  Well, it wasn't so much that I recognized, but more that it was pointed out to me frequently on the playground as I couldn't swing from the monkey bars, or run without getting winded.  I got pretty good at distracting others from these truths by being funny, or mean, depending on the severity of damage to my ego. 
 
In fifth grade I hung out with 2 girls that were enrolled in gymnastics.  They were tall, lanky, and could perform cool cartwheels, handstands, bridges, and flips out on the grass at recess.  I wanted to do those things.  I wanted my body to do those things.  I practiced cartwheels in my backyard until I could master them.  It took a long time...getting over that initial fear of going upside down, and depending on my chunky arms to support me.  I kept at it.  Eventually I could perform a cartwheel I was proud of.  Next up, I wanted to master a handstand.  They suggested I try practicing against a wall.  They demonstrated on a school building.  A cartwheel is one thing...there is a clear beginning and end, and they happen pretty close to one another.  A handstand...well, whenever that ends is up to you, or gravity.  Not confident in my abilities to perform one of these wall handstands, I waited till I got home.  I went outside, piled up some squishy things under my head (yeah, that would protect me) and attempted.  I was no where near vertical.  I did not like attempting to have my head hoovering above concrete with only my arms to prevent something I likened to dropping a watermelon off a roof...I stuck to cartwheels, leaving the handstand be. 
 
Yes, I have been receiving the message my whole life as I know it that in order to do things I see others doing, I need to shed some pounds.  Not only for the sake of actually performing some things (like making a pass on the monkey bars, or a handstand against a wall) but also for the confidence that comes with not being the odd person out.  This message has repeated itself over and over throughout the years, just doning a different costume.  As I went through high school, gone were the nuisance monkey bars, only to be replaced with the latest clothing styles, bikinis, and boys.  In college I competed sport that was heavily reliant on weight, and specifically not being a heavy weight, I was again, constantly reminded of my size.  Now as an adult, going to CrossFit everyday, I see girls knocking out multiple un-assisted pull-ups, jumping on boxes half their height, performing handstand push-ups, and the like. 
 
Yesterday our workout involved handstand push-ups (HSPU's).  Ugh.  Handstands have been something sort of lingering in the background of CrossFit since I started, but I have been able to avoid them with "modifications."  The modified versions are nothing like an actual handstand, and I know that one day the trainer would make me re-visit my handstand-wall days.  Fortunately, yesterday was not the day.  But it should have been.  I stood there in class, not allowing myself to be pushed because of my silly handstand fear.  Disappointed in myself, I decided that when I got home, I would practice handstands until I could do them.  There was no physical reason that I could not do a handstand, I just had to get out of my head, and over my stupid fear. 
 
Into the carpeted family room I went...placed a folded blanket under where I assume my head might land, armed the boyfriend deluxe with a camera, and proclaimed "I'm going to learn how to do a handstand against this wall, when I do it, snap a photo for proof."  Attempt #1- boyfriend deluxe laughed.  Attempt #2- boyfriend deluxe calls me out- "don't be afraid to hit the wall."  Attempts #4-7- occasional brushes with the wall, when I suddenly remember something from class earlier that day.."don't look down at the floor, look straight ahead, so that when you are upside down, you are looking at the opposite wall."  Attempt #8ish- I DID IT!  I was looking directly across at the other wall, upside down, leaning against the wall, in a perfectly balanced handstand.  It was actually comfortable!  I felt so strong.  Boyfriend deluxe snapped 5 shots before my quaking arms had enough.  I kept going just to prove that I could do it again. 
 
I know this may seem insignificant to many, because afterall, what I did was no amazing feat of strength.  But, to even attempt this, I had to have the confidence that 9 months of CrossFit has given me under my belt.  I had to have the wisdom of the past 20 years to know that I can do just about anything I put my mind to.  And most importantly, I had to face my stupid head/fears and just TRUST myself. 
 
I would post the pic, but since I'm still posting blogs from my iphone, I can't!  You'll just have to trust me that it's bad ass.