Bloggers-block

I've been staring at this blank compose screen for the last hour. My head is being pulled in so many directions, and none of them equate to a thoughtful or coherent post. I guess bloggers-block happens to everyone at some point. Normally when I can't think of anything to write, I just don't. Today is different, I feel like I have something to put out there, no, something is struggling to get out, but it keeps hitting resistance.

I think I may be panicking a bit over my non-loss last week. Thoughts of Paleo-doubt keep creeping in as phrases uttered by friends and family replay in my head. "Oh, there is always some new fad out there" "eating too much protein isn't good for women" "is that sustainable?" "why can't you eat this?" "are you still doing that caveman thing?" And then to have a zero loss on the scale...has the penny lost its shine?

Yesterday after putting in a 10 hour day at work, I was hungry. I knew I was stopping at the grocery store on the way home, but couldn't think of anything I wanted to make for dinner (frozen pizza was in the back of my mind). At the last second, "turkey tacos" popped into my head. I got excited for that, but knew I would need some sort of snack to hold me over. It thought to the left over pork chop I had in the fridge...I could eat a few bites of that while dinner is cooking. Then I passed a Larabar display...I was so excited to see after reading the ingredients that they are Paleo! I grabbed a cherry pie bar and apple pie bar. They have a lot of carbs due to the high fruit content, but in a pinch (rather than splurging on pizza) they will do.

I ate the cherry pie bar on the way home, and all thoughts of pizza were erased from my mind. I know what I am doing is working for me. Yes, I could go back to my old ways of giving myself every thing I "want" but I do not want to go back to struggling to put on my jeans. Yes, not that much was different when I was eating a mainstream American diet, I still had the same boyfriend, the same house, the same car, the same dog, the same family, the same friends, the same job, but I was constantly beating myself up for things I would eat. Yes, it has been 30 days, and I only promised to try this for 30 days, yet, it's really not that hard to just keep going...

And so I did. I am. Right now I'm vowing to keep up Paleo for another 30 days until July 31st. I may have a glass (or three) of red wine on the 4th of July, but I KNOW I deserve that. And I swear my jeans are even looser.

182 Days

I started this blog 182 days ago. Twenty six weeks. Six months exactly. One half of one year. I owe a lot to this blog, because I know without it I wouldn't have kept on a steady path. Keeping up this blog has led me to find other blogs that inspire me greatly, and show me that food issues can be overcome, weight can be lost, and great feats of fitness can be accomplished. Most of all, this blog made me reach deep within, find what my triggers are, and let them go. With the sense of people following me (and some actually following me), it has kept me accountable for longer than I can remember ever holding myself accountable for. Basically, what I continue to realize is that I have a great life. My life only continues to improve as I learn what I am capable of, and see the results of my actions.

Today I head into my fourth week of Paleo. I did not lose any weight last week, but I knew that waking up this morning. I felt kinda blah. The weekend was filled with activities that made some of my eating choices "borderline." Still Paleo, yet I think ingested high amounts of naturally occurring sugars (fruit, tomatoes, carrots) and high amounts of sodium (bbqing natural chicken sausages). My plan for the rest of this week is to flush out all that salt, and eat plenty of veggies and lean protein.

Thursday is July 1st, and the end of 30 days. I decided over a week ago that I would be continuing this way of eating past the 30 day trial. I'm just so amazed at how well my body has taken to the elimination of grains, sugar, processed foods, legumes, and dairy. I am amazed at how easy it has been to find things to eat, and really good things at that. I am amazed at how little I care about food and eating now.

All that being said, there is still a chunk of being healthy that I have let go by the wayside as I figured out what fuel is best for me. Over the past 4 weeks, my exercise has been sparse to say the least. I'm going to resume my morning workouts, starting tomorrow. Being summer and all, it is light enough in the morning, and nice enough to run. I can mix it up a few mornings a week by doing Jillian style circuits to improve my strength.

Here's to the beginning of another great 6 months. Thank you for helping make my life so great.

Juxtaposition

Exactly one year ago:

I woke up and began getting ready for work. As I stepped onto the floor, I felt a slight tightness in my calves from my 2 mile run the night before. I was excited because it was a beautiful day, and I would be leaving work early to meet my friend C downtown to pick up our race packets for the next day. C flew up from California so we could run in the Seattle Rock n' Roll 1/2 marathon together. I grabbed a pair of tan corduroy jeans off the floor, wiggled a little to get them over my upper thighs and butt, and sucked in a deep breath to button them. The pants cut into my stomach, but so did all my pants, and I just put on a roomyish t-shirt to "cover" it. I slipped in a pair of flip-flops and headed out the door.

After my brief work day, I headed downtown and parked. I had about a mile to walk until I reached the Qwest Field Expo Center where I was meeting C. Half way to the Expo Center my legs were in excruciating pain. Sometimes when I ran, the outside of my lower legs (right above my ankle) would seize up, almost like a cramp. This was happening as I walked. I walked through it. I had too. I knew eventually it would relax, just when that would be I didn't know. I thought, wow, I hope this doesn't happen during the marathon tomorrow.

We picked up our t-shirts and race numbers, I had a really nice dinner with C and her parents, and I went home to bed, ready as I could be for the big day. As I laid in bed, I was incredibly nervous, and my stomach was very acidic feeling (it was like that pretty much everyday as I went to bed, I now know that I was suffering from heartburn, and had been for over a year).

Today:

My alarm went off, and I was awake. I noticed my room was still somewhat dark, meaning it was a cloudy day. After a search of my drawers, hamper, and dryer, I couldn't find the cute capri cargo pants that I just discovered fit me to wear. Oh, well, I thought and grabbed the pair of pants that were sitting on top in my pants drawer- the tan corduroy jeans. As I slid them with incredible ease over my legs and didn't need to struggle to button them, I smiled. I threw on a fitted long sleeve shirt, only to find that it is no longer fitted. I smiled again, then headed to the mirror to see how I looked. I couldn't believe how much room I had in the shirt.

I thought about how it was not that long ago that I would force these pants to button. They would cut into me all day, but I still insisted they "fit." That was 10-20+ pounds ago. I was in denial. I could still button my pants (barely) but I was wearing them, so therefore my weight couldn't be that bad. I can't count how many times I've heard an obese person say "I just don't know how this happened!" It happens because of the things we decide to gauge our size on, whether it be a pants size or an athletic feat, or carrying on normal activities are still possible. When that one thing, whatever it is becomes impossible, we either a) start a new diet or plan or whatever, or b) find a new way to gauge. Constantly adjusting the gauge leads to people one day "waking up fat." Nobody wakes up fat, you trick yourself into justifying things based on arbitrary gauges. I am an expert on this for sure.

I grabbed my last portion of breakfast for the week, quickly threw leftovers from last nights dinner in some tupperware, and headed to work. I thought about the long work day I had ahead of me, and the huge deadline I had coming up in less than a week. I thought about how it was a Friday, but I would be spending time in the office all weekend.

Every once in awhile my eyes catch the registration receipt for the 1/2 marathon pinned to my bulletin board, and I feel guilty for spending that money and not running. Then I think about how there is no way I could leave work early today to pick up my packet. There is no way I can make my boyfriend wake up at 5am to drive me to the start (when he went to bed at 1am) again this year. Especially since this year I do not need to run to prove to myself that I am not fat. I know that I am fat, and I'm working on fixing that.

I'm 20+ pounds lighter than last year. My clothes are loose on me. I haven't had any heartburn in over 6 months. I went for a 3 mile run on Tuesday, and wasn't the least bit sore the next day. I haven't had that odd cramping in my lower legs during a run or walk in months. I feel fantastic.

Last year, finishing the run only allowed me to continue deceiving myself. I was SO impressed with myself that I finished a 1/2 marathon. It did not inspire me to run more. It did not make me lose weight in the coming months. All it did was give me a false sense of reality and kept up the lack of awareness of how large I had become. It was 6 months after the run that I woke up and realized how out of control I was.

Not running this year is me not fitting into my jeans. Yes, in the past 6 months I have made great strides. But I will no longer judge my progress on misinterpretations of events. Just as cramming myself into jeans is fooling myself into thinking they fit, finishing a 1/2 marathon in 3.5 hours is deceiving myself that I am in shape.

Here's the Scoop:

I'm not running the 1/2 marathon on Saturday. I have 50 'acceptable' reasons, but only 2 good ones. This is NOT pre-race anxiety, or an attempt at attention getting.

1. I'm not ready. Flat out. Running this marathon was a tactic from my previous "tried and failed many times" ways. I have completely revolutionized the way I eat, and now that I have that very important piece of the puzzle figured out, I need to come up with a new way to incorporate exercise into my routine. As I dove head first into this Paleo thing, my exercise sort of went out the window (apparently, I can't walk and chew gum at the same time). However, I FIRMLY believe that discovering Paleo is the BEST thing I have done for myself, and I was willing to sacrifice some cardio fitness and strength temporarily while I figured my shit out. My run on Tuesday proved that I did in fact lose some fitness over the past 3 weeks or so, and there is no way I can prepare for 13 miles in 4 days.

Now that I have a good grasp on the Paleo concept, I will begin working on getting myself back up to speed with running and my strength workouts. I have a new race to look forward to in October...the Glide Floss Bridge to Bridge in San Francisco.

2. I already proved to myself that I can do it. Last year, I completed this very same 1/2 marathon course on virtually no training and approximately 20 pounds heavier. I wanted the next time I participated (this year) to be different. I wanted to be able to run the whole way. If I'm not where I wanted to be (and I'm not), then all I'm going to be doing is the same as last year- proving that I can do it. No. That's not what I want. I want to be performing at a new level.

I'm not happy about this, but I know I'm doing the right thing. There will be more 1/2 marathons, I will get back to where I was. Sometimes I just have to take one step backwards to move two steps forward. You'll see, then LOOK OUT!

Big Sigh...

I'm pretty sure it was just yesterday I had a month until my 1/2 marathon. Today, it is 3 days away. Fuck. Double fuck. I feel as if I'm going to take a final for a class in which I never attended. Oh, well. I cannot stress about things that I cannot change. I just have to take comfort in the fact that I am in a better place than last year, although not by much.

I read an article yesterday on MSNBC's website that has sort of been bothering me. It was about the "new Atkins diet" and whether or not it was healthy. I clicked on it although I am not on the Atkins diet, my diet is high in protein, low in carbohydrates which is similar to Atkins. Atkins however restricts fruit and vegetable intake, allows for dairy, and processed foods, as long as they are "carb free."

What I keep thinking about is this: "In fact, a recent two-year study in the New England Journal of Medicine found that reduced-calorie diets led to weight loss in overweight adults regardless of which macronutrients — protein, fat, or carbohydrate — were emphasized.

And a just published follow-up study in the Annals of Internal Medicine noted that obese people who followed either a low-carbohydrate or a low-fat diet for one year maintained a modest weight loss — 5 pounds and 9.5 pounds, respectively — at three years. While those who followed a low-carb diet lost more weight initially, they tended to regain more weight by the end of three years.

'These results highlight the difficulty in sticking to a low-carbohydrate diet, as carbohydrate intake did not differ between the low-carbohydrate or low-fat dieters by three years,' according to Dr. Marion Vetter, R.D., one of the study authors. 'For some people, low-fat diets may be easier to sustain over time.'"

Ok, so that is kind of annoying, but then the article went on to say: "protein does appear to satiate more than carbs or other fats, triggering hormones and other chemicals to send “feel full” messages to the brain. Some research has shown that boosting protein in your diet increases fullness and reduces how many calories you consume. Consuming dietary protein also increases thermogenesis, meaning more calories are used to digest, absorb, and metabolize protein than for either carbohydrate or fat. It also helps you hold on to lean muscle mass that often shrinks while dieting.

Consuming more protein (while reducing carbohydrate and/or fat intake) has also been shown in studies to improve insulin sensitivity, glucose tolerance, blood lipids (including cholesterol), and other cardiovascular risk factors. A high-protein diet has also been shown to control blood pressure, especially when the protein comes from plant sources. In older people, adequate protein intake also protects against age-related loss of skeletal muscle mass."

So, let me get this straight. According to these "studies" there is no difference in long term weight loss between restricting certain macronutrients and weigh will come off as long as calories are reduced. But, a high protein diet satiates more, triggers a "feel full" hormone, causing a reduction in calories consumed and takes more calories to metabolize, and helps you hold onto lean muscle? That's exactly what I want. Oh, and consuming more protein improves insulin sensitivity, controls blood pressure and many other good things? That's exactly what I want.

I think the real problem is this sobering statistic: Only about 20 percent of obese or overweight people who lose at least 10 percent of their initial body weight can keep it off for at least a year (Elisa Zied, R.D., spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association, MSNBC online, 2010).

Since January I've lost 12% of my initial body weight (and I plan on losing more). That means I have a 20 percent chance of keeping this weight, and any future weight I lose off. That kept me awake last night, with stupid fears mostly. Is all this for naught? Am I destined to be battling this statistic my whole life, because, so far I have been. Really? Only 20%? I'm betting everyone knows at LEAST one person who has lost a lot of weight, only to gain it all back.

Don't worry, I shut myself up pretty quickly. I have already decided that I am going to be in the 20%. I just find it incredibly interesting how much the odds are against me.

Is This Forever?

Yesterday, I was catching up with a friend of mine, and she had so many questions about my new way of eating. Her questions followed in line with pretty much every other person I have told, as if everyone has a script to read off of once they hear someone has "gone Paleo." Once she grasped the concept fully (which is more then I can so for some) she asked me "...as you got to your ideal weight, can you allow other things in.. or relaxing to a point where it's part paleo, part.. other things like hummus or sugar in your coffee.. or whatever, know what I mean?"

Yes, I knew exactly what she meant. For me this whole process is about regulating my insulin levels and finding out what foods my body has adverse reactions to. Now, since I went sort of crazy and eliminated everything at once, I have no idea if my body was reacting to sugar, grains, dairy, legumes, or a combination of some of those items. I'm not interested in finding out for quite awhile. When the time comes, and I feel ready (solid, strong) I will one at a time introduce those elements into my diet and see what, if any reaction occurs. The more time I give myself without them, I'm hoping that the more pronounced the reaction will be.

If I find from all this "testing" that I can isolate gluten as my problem, do you know how excited I will be? That means sweet potatoes, hummus, quinoa, lattes, and chocolate can be welcomed back into my life! However, I am prepared to face a life of strict Paleo if it turns out that my body can not deal with grains or any of the other eliminated foods. I'm interested in whatever it is that keeps me feeling this way, and keeps me from that mind-prison of food obsession and cravings.

Oh, and funny side note- my sister sent me a text yesterday saying she had spoken to our mom the day before. My mom asked her if I was still doing that "caveman thing." It was less than a week since I had returned home. What the eff did she think, that I was just doing it for attention when I was visiting? I explained to her when I was there that this was for life. Again, with the votes of confidence! Luckily, my sister keeps up on my blog, and was like, "hell yes she is!" This is, or some version of this, is forever.

Last night I made quite possibly the best Paleo meal so far:




I washed some gorgeous Romaine leaves (inside leaves), chopped some green onion, sliced some lime and some avocado, picked up some all natural Pico de Gallo...






Turkey Tacos. I seasoned the ground turkey with fresh garlic, onion, and green bell pepper, then added some cumin, chili powder and black pepper. Ta Da!

Food Lobotomy

Before I started eating Paleo, I should have done a better job of chronicling and describing my daily thoughts about food. The struggles that took place inside my head between what my brain said I wanted, and what I knew was wrong for me were constant. Cravings, planning, needing, feeling guilty, feeling high, feeling low, all were a part of a normal day. I let my stomach and my cravings dictate my day. Foods would just pop into my head, and I HAD to have them. Sometimes I could put it off for a few days, but they were always in the back of my mind until I ate them. Even after I just ate, I could think about a certain food and be hungry all over again. I knew I was a slave to something bigger than me. I knew there had to be another way to live.

Over the past few weeks I have noticed here and there how my cravings have subsided, and I don't eat as much or as often, and that I don't think about food anymore. I never really stopped to think about any of these facts until just now. These are HUGE steps away from the prison I was in. These are HUGE steps towards the life I want to be living.

It really hit me this weekend, when I was making coffee, and I spotted something odd on top of the refrigerator. A closer inspection revealed it was a container of donut holes...coconut crunch donut holes. I thought to myself "Dave must have gone shopping." I went about the rest of my morning. A few hours later, as I passed by the container again, I kinda said "oh, yeah..." to myself because I had FORGOT they were there.

This may not seem like a big deal to anyone else out there, but let me explain how prior to Paleo eating my reaction to the donuts would have been different. First off, donuts are like crack to me. I absolutely cannot refuse a donut, and seem to have a bottomless pit of a stomach when eating them. Secondly, whenever I find something in the cupboards or in the house that appears to be "hidden" from me (presumably so I won't eat it all) that makes me want to eat it all. I know, nucking futs, right? So, upon seeing the package, I would have either a) immediately grabbed a few to snack on, felt good, then a few hours later felt bad (both physically and mentally) and gone back for more. This would have repeated until they were gone. b) resisted having one, knowing that "a" would happen. Also, they were out of sight for a reason, so I can't eat them all. I would have thought like this until I had a valid rationalization and then ate most or all of them.

Instead of my whole day being dictated by a sighting of donuts on top of my fridge, I completely forgot about them! If that isn't proof of a food lobotomy, I don't know what is. Oh, and I'm down one more pound this week.