Yesterday's observance of Martin Luther King Jr's birthday marked the end of week three for me. Yay! Due to the holiday, the gym was closed and I could not weigh in yesterday like normal. Even though my boss doesn't recognize any days as holidays except for July 4, Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Day, and New Years Day, I took the day off.
Week three was filled with super-low low's, and extra high high's. I prefer my life to be a little more steady (medium low's, medium high's etc.), but a lot of things are out of my control. Despite the crazy week, I think I did a pretty good job of sticking to my goals. I can certainly control what goes into my mouth, and how much exercise I get.
Ever since last week's weigh in, (week 2 curse, lol) I had a number in my head that I wanted to reach this week. It was going to be a stretch, for sure, but I wanted it. I was challenged on many fronts...rough days at work, dinner party, eating out at a restaurant, car getting broken into and stereo stolen, my boyfriends company party, and a bad hangover.
I had to employ expert tools to get me through each of these challenges, and although I may not have performed perfectly at each test, I did the very best I could. I'm going to list my challenges, and the solution I chose so I can come back over time and look to see what has worked, and maybe what I can improve on.
Week 3 challenges and solutions:
1. Rough day at work: Let it go. Embrace my time after work to live my real life, the life I work to support. Work is not my life.
2. Dinner party: Make the best decisions possible. If dinner is more rich than I am used to, take a small serving. Have a lot of vegetables. Share dessert.
3. Eating out at a restaurant: Look up the menu ahead of time if possible and make my selection. Do not falter from the selection once at restaurant.
4. Devastating event (like my car getting broken into): Keep the event in perspective. I'm fine, everyone is fine. Keep to my routine as much as possible.
5. Company party: Eat at home. Keep some extra calories reserved for wine. If there is something irresistible, have a bite from boyfriends plate.
6. Hangover: Tally up the calories from just the amount of alcohol consumed the night before. Know I can not afford to make poor decisions just because I don't feel good. Avoid drinking so much next time.
Going over these events in my head this morning on the way to the gym suddenly made me really nervous for my weigh in. Then I realized I was being unfair to myself. Week three is probably the most representative week I've had so far of how life goes. I need to be proud of my little successes, like being hungover and staring at the box of macaroni and cheese in the cupboard for a good 5 minutes, and then deciding to make pita bread pizzas.
Oh, and I made my goal! I lost 3 pounds this week, (9 total if you have been following) for a three week total percentage weight loss of: 3.9%.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Treadmill Epiphany
A long time ago (4 years ago...feels like a lifetime), I had a job I hated. The fancy grocery store where I worked was in serious turmoil. It was obvious to all the bitter employees that had worked there upwards of 10 years that the store was slowly going under. They were always talking about the good old days, and would freak out at any change or any rumor of change. As a young person knowing this job was not my future, and never knowing the store in its 'glory days,' I was irritated by the awful attitudes of my co-workers. It was so physically and emotionally draining trying to always make the best of my situation.
After having been there for about 2 years, a manager position opened up, and I jumped on the chance. At this point, things were very crazy at the store...every employee knew of the marital affair our CEO had, bankrupcy was looming around the corner, and every week a old timer employee gave their notice. The store was filled with nothing but newer employees, and those old employees that were too fearful to do anything but spread every rumor that they heard. I'm sure it was because the store was so weak I was even considered for this position. I was basically a frat guy taking advantage of a drunk girl. I interviewed, and as far as I know, I got the job.
As I was in limbo between being a common deli worker and a middle manager of the deli workers, my boss took me aside and told me this: "I'm about to tell you something that was told to me long ago. Before you are manager, you must act like a manager. You must do all the things a manager does, without the pay and without the title. This way, you are the obvious choice for any manager position that opens up, since everyone already sees you that way, and you have already been doing the work."
In my young, bull-headed, arrogant youth, I thought this was crap. I understood exactly what he meant as far as my situation at that time. I was going to be doing the work without the pay and without the title no matter what. I blamed this on the uncertain future of the store, and my boss' knowledge that I would do whatever he told me to do. So I did the manager duties for 3 months unpaid until I had enough. I told my boss I needed a raise, or I would stop doing the job. I was given a raise the following paycheck, and 3 months of retro pay.
It dawned on me today while on the treadmill that I learned NOTHING from that experience. My boss 4 years ago had quite possibly given me the best advice for my get healthy journey today. I will not get the title or the pay of being healthy until I have been already been doing the job for some time. I almost shouted "AH-HAH" out loud. Of course!
How could I be so blind to this simple reality? How could I think that working out 30 minutes a day was enough for me to reach my weight loss and running goals? IDIOT! If I want to be say...135 pounds, I need to eat and exercise like a 135 pound person. Every in-shape person I know is very active. Every in-shape person I know eats very little (relative to what I was used to eating). Huh. This is no coincidence, no fast-metabolism-good-DNA conspiracy. It's just that each and every one of them practices what someone told me 4 years ago.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Saturday Morning Breakfast Burritos
By substituting a few of the "empty calorie" items in traditional breakfast burritos with healthier items, these burritos taste incredible. As long as you keep your portions in check (huge problem for me), they are pretty good for you. I make these burritos for breakfast nearly every weekend, and my boyfriend can't seem to get enough of them! Who needs McDonalds processed crap when with a little love, you can have these?
This recipe yields A LOT of filling. Enough for about 8 small burritos using 8" tortillas. Like I said, my boyfriend eats a lot (he's 7 feet tall, so he can afford to). But the filling can be refrigerated and eaten for breakfast over the next few days if you don't have a 7-foot garbage disposal living with you. Or you can always use less onion, less eggs, etc.
Ingredients:
Whole Wheat Tortillas
1/2 to 1 Yellow onion (I love onions, so I use 1)
1 medium Sweet potato (the yellow ones, yams are orange)
1 tsp. Olive oil
4 Vegetarian breakfast sausage patties (I use Morningstar Farms)
6 Eggs
2 Tbsps. Milk (whatever you keep on hand, anything from N.F. to 1/2 and 1/2 works)
1/4 c. Green onion
2 handfulls fresh Spinach leaves
1/2 Tbsp. Butter
Salt and Pepper
Salsa/hot sauce/lime/avocado/cilantro/cheese-whatever toppings you like
*Side Note* I guess I should have mentioned this before, but when I use salt in a recipe, I use Kosher Salt exclusively. If you don't use Kosher Salt, I suggest going out and getting a box. Iodized is horrible, and is WAY more salty then Kosher.
Directions:
Chop onion and sweet potato into small cubes. Heat 1 tsp. olive oil in a large skillet on medium high heat, and add onions when the oil is hot. I like to let my onions get some carmelization on them, so I keep the heat pretty high, but stir them before they start to burn. Once the onions are soft and brownish, add the sweet potato cubes, and season with salt and pepper. Cook for a few minutes on medium high. If they start sticking to the pan, no worries. Turn heat down to medium, cover skillet and cook until potatoes are tender (5 min?) They should cook pretty quick since they are small in size. While the sweet potatoes are cooking, microwave the 4 sausage patties until hot and heated all the way through. Chop sausage patties into small pieces. When the sweet potatoes are done, remove from heat and add chopped sausage patties (keep covered).
In a medium sized bowl, break the eggs, add two tbsps. milk, and a sprinkle of salt and pepper. Using a whisk, stir the eggs and milk until smooth and combined.
Chop green onions (both green and white parts). In a separate large skillet, melt 1/2 tbsp. butter on medium heat. Add green onions after the butter has melted and started to bubble. Stir green onions and add eggs to pan once green onions become fragrant. After a minute or so, scrape the bottom of the pan to loosen any cooked egg. Repeat this process until the eggs are almost cooked (some little liquid egg remains) add 2 handfulls of spinach and continue cooking until spinach wilts and eggs cook a little more. Add the onion/sweet potato/sausage mixture to your eggs and stir well. You should have a colorful sloppy mess of eggs, onions, sausage, potatoes and spinach.
Warm as many tortillas as you need (start with 2 per person) in the microwave. Add a heaping 1/3 c. (maybe more like 1/2 c.) of filling to the center of the tortilla. Top with your favorite ingredients- lately we have been on an La Victoria green salsa kick...OMG, so good! But hot sauce, shredded cheese, avocado, lime, cilantro, etc. work great too. After your filling and toppings are in place, wrap up by folding 2 ends of the tortilla inward and holding in place as you roll the remaining tortilla around the filling. This takes some practice. I did some quick internet sleuthing and found a how-to video, skip to 1:06 for the lesson in rolling.
This recipe yields A LOT of filling. Enough for about 8 small burritos using 8" tortillas. Like I said, my boyfriend eats a lot (he's 7 feet tall, so he can afford to). But the filling can be refrigerated and eaten for breakfast over the next few days if you don't have a 7-foot garbage disposal living with you. Or you can always use less onion, less eggs, etc.
Ingredients:
Whole Wheat Tortillas
1/2 to 1 Yellow onion (I love onions, so I use 1)
1 medium Sweet potato (the yellow ones, yams are orange)
1 tsp. Olive oil
4 Vegetarian breakfast sausage patties (I use Morningstar Farms)
6 Eggs
2 Tbsps. Milk (whatever you keep on hand, anything from N.F. to 1/2 and 1/2 works)
1/4 c. Green onion
2 handfulls fresh Spinach leaves
1/2 Tbsp. Butter
Salt and Pepper
Salsa/hot sauce/lime/avocado/cilantro/cheese-whatever toppings you like
*Side Note* I guess I should have mentioned this before, but when I use salt in a recipe, I use Kosher Salt exclusively. If you don't use Kosher Salt, I suggest going out and getting a box. Iodized is horrible, and is WAY more salty then Kosher.
Directions:
Chop onion and sweet potato into small cubes. Heat 1 tsp. olive oil in a large skillet on medium high heat, and add onions when the oil is hot. I like to let my onions get some carmelization on them, so I keep the heat pretty high, but stir them before they start to burn. Once the onions are soft and brownish, add the sweet potato cubes, and season with salt and pepper. Cook for a few minutes on medium high. If they start sticking to the pan, no worries. Turn heat down to medium, cover skillet and cook until potatoes are tender (5 min?) They should cook pretty quick since they are small in size. While the sweet potatoes are cooking, microwave the 4 sausage patties until hot and heated all the way through. Chop sausage patties into small pieces. When the sweet potatoes are done, remove from heat and add chopped sausage patties (keep covered).
In a medium sized bowl, break the eggs, add two tbsps. milk, and a sprinkle of salt and pepper. Using a whisk, stir the eggs and milk until smooth and combined.
Chop green onions (both green and white parts). In a separate large skillet, melt 1/2 tbsp. butter on medium heat. Add green onions after the butter has melted and started to bubble. Stir green onions and add eggs to pan once green onions become fragrant. After a minute or so, scrape the bottom of the pan to loosen any cooked egg. Repeat this process until the eggs are almost cooked (some little liquid egg remains) add 2 handfulls of spinach and continue cooking until spinach wilts and eggs cook a little more. Add the onion/sweet potato/sausage mixture to your eggs and stir well. You should have a colorful sloppy mess of eggs, onions, sausage, potatoes and spinach.
Warm as many tortillas as you need (start with 2 per person) in the microwave. Add a heaping 1/3 c. (maybe more like 1/2 c.) of filling to the center of the tortilla. Top with your favorite ingredients- lately we have been on an La Victoria green salsa kick...OMG, so good! But hot sauce, shredded cheese, avocado, lime, cilantro, etc. work great too. After your filling and toppings are in place, wrap up by folding 2 ends of the tortilla inward and holding in place as you roll the remaining tortilla around the filling. This takes some practice. I did some quick internet sleuthing and found a how-to video, skip to 1:06 for the lesson in rolling.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Old Habits Die!
Yesterday I had an awful day at work. No, scratch that, just the last 3 hours of the day were awful, but it's always the ending of something that determines the mood for a whole event. I had been on edge this whole week as I try and round up solid references for my potential new job. My ace-in-the-hole reference hadn't gotten back to me, and I was really starting to panic. Couple that with my boss deciding to argue with me for 3 hours about a topic he knows NOTHING about, and you get angry Violet.
Luckily, I had plans to attend a dinner party after work yesterday, so I had an excuse to end my boss' barrage of bullshit and leave before putting in another 9 hour day this week. When I got into my car to drive home, I couldn't even think. My mind was racing, I was so angry and all of a sudden had all these genius come-backs to my boss' asinine claims. I kept telling myself to let it go. I didn't even feel like going out anymore, I just wanted to go home, sit on the couch, eat something horrible for me, and feel sorry for myself.
My awesome boyfriend had spent the better part of his afternoon making mini-meatballs to bring to the party as an appetizer. I was going no matter what. I was still tense and replaying every second of my last hours at work over and over in my head. I kept telling myself soon enough I could have a new job, and never have to worry about my ridiculous office environment. Then I would be reminded that I still hadn't sent my references off to the prospective job, and I would stress more. It was a horrible cycle.
The dinner party was a fantastic distraction, and really let me forget my day and clear my head. I have great friends, the meatballs were a huge success, and boyfriend had a good time (a first with my friends). In the car ride home, I solicited my tipsy boyfriend for advice on the reference that hadn't got back to me. We came up with a solid plan of action for the next day. I would go into work early, before anyone else and talk to my boss. I would tell my boss about my prospective job, and ask him to be a reference for me. My boss would be as much of an ace in the hole reference as the one I was waiting for, but in general I don't like to tell my current bosses about my plans to move on. I was desperate, and my boss has always been very clear that this job is not a permanent stop for any of us. I am comfortable that I could be straight forward with my boss on this front, and get a decent reference from him.
Going into work early would mean skipping the gym in the morning. I was a little hesitant to mess with my routine, especially since that's how the endings of my previous good routines always start, and it wasn't even a guarantee that my boss would be there in the morning. I could be skipping the gym for naught. This has been a downfall in the past for me. I find an excuse to falter one day, and then the next thing I know, my routine is gone.
My alarm went off, and I always check my e-mail and facebook in bed while I wake up. Holy crap, my 1st choice awesome reference FINALLY responded to me and agreed to be a reference! The first thing that went through my head is "I can go to the gym!" Now, that may not seem like a big deal to many people, but for me, that was proof I am training myself to kick my old habits! No more finding excuses to skip the gym, or eat bad. Best of all, I didn't have to inform my boss of my plans.
I know there are going to be times in the future when I am tested on this again, and actually do have to step outside my routine, due to unavoidable circumstances. I hope the strength of my new routine that I continue to build everyday carries me through those times, and allows for a little wiggle room. Recognition of what is a real reason to be out of my routine versus a made up reason by my laziness is probably going to be the best gift I can give myself in this journey.
Luckily, I had plans to attend a dinner party after work yesterday, so I had an excuse to end my boss' barrage of bullshit and leave before putting in another 9 hour day this week. When I got into my car to drive home, I couldn't even think. My mind was racing, I was so angry and all of a sudden had all these genius come-backs to my boss' asinine claims. I kept telling myself to let it go. I didn't even feel like going out anymore, I just wanted to go home, sit on the couch, eat something horrible for me, and feel sorry for myself.
My awesome boyfriend had spent the better part of his afternoon making mini-meatballs to bring to the party as an appetizer. I was going no matter what. I was still tense and replaying every second of my last hours at work over and over in my head. I kept telling myself soon enough I could have a new job, and never have to worry about my ridiculous office environment. Then I would be reminded that I still hadn't sent my references off to the prospective job, and I would stress more. It was a horrible cycle.
The dinner party was a fantastic distraction, and really let me forget my day and clear my head. I have great friends, the meatballs were a huge success, and boyfriend had a good time (a first with my friends). In the car ride home, I solicited my tipsy boyfriend for advice on the reference that hadn't got back to me. We came up with a solid plan of action for the next day. I would go into work early, before anyone else and talk to my boss. I would tell my boss about my prospective job, and ask him to be a reference for me. My boss would be as much of an ace in the hole reference as the one I was waiting for, but in general I don't like to tell my current bosses about my plans to move on. I was desperate, and my boss has always been very clear that this job is not a permanent stop for any of us. I am comfortable that I could be straight forward with my boss on this front, and get a decent reference from him.
Going into work early would mean skipping the gym in the morning. I was a little hesitant to mess with my routine, especially since that's how the endings of my previous good routines always start, and it wasn't even a guarantee that my boss would be there in the morning. I could be skipping the gym for naught. This has been a downfall in the past for me. I find an excuse to falter one day, and then the next thing I know, my routine is gone.
My alarm went off, and I always check my e-mail and facebook in bed while I wake up. Holy crap, my 1st choice awesome reference FINALLY responded to me and agreed to be a reference! The first thing that went through my head is "I can go to the gym!" Now, that may not seem like a big deal to many people, but for me, that was proof I am training myself to kick my old habits! No more finding excuses to skip the gym, or eat bad. Best of all, I didn't have to inform my boss of my plans.
I know there are going to be times in the future when I am tested on this again, and actually do have to step outside my routine, due to unavoidable circumstances. I hope the strength of my new routine that I continue to build everyday carries me through those times, and allows for a little wiggle room. Recognition of what is a real reason to be out of my routine versus a made up reason by my laziness is probably going to be the best gift I can give myself in this journey.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Week 2 Curse
I was watching The Biggest Loser last night, the second episode of the season, and all the contestants kept talking about the "week 2 curse." Not being a religious follower of the show, I could only decipher that in past episodes, weight losses were not as great, (if not disappointing) in previous week 2's.
Keeping the show in perspective, as far as it being entirely for entertainment only, I sat on my couch and thought about things that can lead to a "disappointing" week 2. I say disappointing because the weekly weight loss numbers on the show are unrealistic for the average person. A contestant will lose 6 pounds in one week and the camera will pan to trainers Jillian and Bob, and they will be sharing a "WTF" look. I would be worried if I lost 6 pounds in one week.
As I fought the instinct to become a zombie and have the exact emotions that NBC writers predict I will have watching the show, a few thoughts came to mind. I found it funny that I was on my week 2 as well, I can follow along (heh). I also thought, well, of course they aren't going to lose as much weight as week 1. Week 1 was probably mostly water loss, and as the contestants build muscle, there will be some catch-up time before their bodies and metabolisms are processing the additional benefit of muscle.
I find it interesting that the show does not lead you to any conclusions for the cause of the curse other than the contestants aren't working hard enough. F-biology, 2 more hours in the gym is what they need to overcome the week 2 curse. Here is this show that is marketed as being inspirational, yet it subconsciously sends untrue messages. And don't even get me started on all the money they are raking in with The Biggest Loser brand. I can just see fatties every where rushing out and buying stuff that they think is going to be the miracle cure...just like on TV.
I don't want to bash BL too much here, because I will continue to watch it, and I do enjoy it. The Biggest Loser satisfies the instant gratification we have come to demand in our society by fast-forwarding weight loss at incredible rates. It also gave me a rationalization for why I lost 2 lbs this week and 4 last week...the week 2 curse (lol, I'm not disappointed). When I came up with reasons why the contestants didn't perform as well as they wanted in weigh-ins, I immediately threw that knowledge back myself.
So, as far as I'm concerned, the week 2 curse was made up by the show writers to add some drama. After all, if I don't get disappointed when a contestant loses 6 pounds instead of 15, then the writers are not doing their job.
I will not apply that thinking to my struggle, any week I lose weight is a good week.
Keeping the show in perspective, as far as it being entirely for entertainment only, I sat on my couch and thought about things that can lead to a "disappointing" week 2. I say disappointing because the weekly weight loss numbers on the show are unrealistic for the average person. A contestant will lose 6 pounds in one week and the camera will pan to trainers Jillian and Bob, and they will be sharing a "WTF" look. I would be worried if I lost 6 pounds in one week.
As I fought the instinct to become a zombie and have the exact emotions that NBC writers predict I will have watching the show, a few thoughts came to mind. I found it funny that I was on my week 2 as well, I can follow along (heh). I also thought, well, of course they aren't going to lose as much weight as week 1. Week 1 was probably mostly water loss, and as the contestants build muscle, there will be some catch-up time before their bodies and metabolisms are processing the additional benefit of muscle.
I find it interesting that the show does not lead you to any conclusions for the cause of the curse other than the contestants aren't working hard enough. F-biology, 2 more hours in the gym is what they need to overcome the week 2 curse. Here is this show that is marketed as being inspirational, yet it subconsciously sends untrue messages. And don't even get me started on all the money they are raking in with The Biggest Loser brand. I can just see fatties every where rushing out and buying stuff that they think is going to be the miracle cure...just like on TV.
I don't want to bash BL too much here, because I will continue to watch it, and I do enjoy it. The Biggest Loser satisfies the instant gratification we have come to demand in our society by fast-forwarding weight loss at incredible rates. It also gave me a rationalization for why I lost 2 lbs this week and 4 last week...the week 2 curse (lol, I'm not disappointed). When I came up with reasons why the contestants didn't perform as well as they wanted in weigh-ins, I immediately threw that knowledge back myself.
So, as far as I'm concerned, the week 2 curse was made up by the show writers to add some drama. After all, if I don't get disappointed when a contestant loses 6 pounds instead of 15, then the writers are not doing their job.
I will not apply that thinking to my struggle, any week I lose weight is a good week.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Hole in One
This post is dedicated to my dad, because yesterday, he got his first hole-in-one playing golf. On a real course, not miniature golf... 167 yards! I imagine that must have felt great, and if you know my dad, you know he is SO competitive, and was probably quick to rub it in the other 3 guys faces. It is also well deserved, as over the last year he has lost upwards of 70 pounds.
In my previous post I mentioned watching my both my parents go through phases of losing a lot of weight, only to gain it back eventually (which makes them part of the 95% people who gain weight back after losing it). My dad was always capable of losing weight so fast. He would just all of a sudden be insane about eating healthy, eating less, and exercise. He has been an athlete his whole life, so typically his weight loss was centered around being able to perform better at the activities he was engaged in at the time (running races, tennis matches, hiking half-dome, etc.) Eventually, the weight would come back, and the process would start again.
I saw my dad twice last year, I saw him at Christmas (2008), and then again in May of 2009. When I saw my dad in May, he had lost 40 pounds since I had seen him at Christmas. He was definitely in one of the modes I had seen many times throughout my life. In contrast, I was at probably the highest weight he had ever seen me, and I could just see the pain on his face. I caught him one time looking at me and shaking his head in disgust, but he doesn't know I saw him.
He continued to lose weight, and would update me through our infrequent phone calls. He can't run anymore because of a skiing accident 15 years ago, and can't play tennis now due to some new arthritis in his foot. He has been mountain biking on Mount Tamalpais (the actual origin of mountain biking) and informs me that he's kicking guys asses that are 1/2 his age (competitive, I told you).
I see so many similarities between my dad and myself. I am very competitive like him. I took to running, like him. I like clothes shopping almost as much as him. I too am capable of going on "kicks" and being insane about eating less and exercising. He is a very large part of my motivation today, for all he accomplished last year, and all he continues to accomplish as a 63 year old mountain biking, hole-in-one golfer.
I have a feeling this time is different for him. The weight is not going to come back as it had all those other times. He likes clothes shopping way too much. And realizes he's getting too old to be carrying around 70 extra pounds.
I want this time to be different for me too. I want the next time I see my dad for him to notice how hard I've been working to be his little girl again. If he can do it, I certainly can. Thanks dad!
In my previous post I mentioned watching my both my parents go through phases of losing a lot of weight, only to gain it back eventually (which makes them part of the 95% people who gain weight back after losing it). My dad was always capable of losing weight so fast. He would just all of a sudden be insane about eating healthy, eating less, and exercise. He has been an athlete his whole life, so typically his weight loss was centered around being able to perform better at the activities he was engaged in at the time (running races, tennis matches, hiking half-dome, etc.) Eventually, the weight would come back, and the process would start again.
I saw my dad twice last year, I saw him at Christmas (2008), and then again in May of 2009. When I saw my dad in May, he had lost 40 pounds since I had seen him at Christmas. He was definitely in one of the modes I had seen many times throughout my life. In contrast, I was at probably the highest weight he had ever seen me, and I could just see the pain on his face. I caught him one time looking at me and shaking his head in disgust, but he doesn't know I saw him.
He continued to lose weight, and would update me through our infrequent phone calls. He can't run anymore because of a skiing accident 15 years ago, and can't play tennis now due to some new arthritis in his foot. He has been mountain biking on Mount Tamalpais (the actual origin of mountain biking) and informs me that he's kicking guys asses that are 1/2 his age (competitive, I told you).
I see so many similarities between my dad and myself. I am very competitive like him. I took to running, like him. I like clothes shopping almost as much as him. I too am capable of going on "kicks" and being insane about eating less and exercising. He is a very large part of my motivation today, for all he accomplished last year, and all he continues to accomplish as a 63 year old mountain biking, hole-in-one golfer.
I have a feeling this time is different for him. The weight is not going to come back as it had all those other times. He likes clothes shopping way too much. And realizes he's getting too old to be carrying around 70 extra pounds.
I want this time to be different for me too. I want the next time I see my dad for him to notice how hard I've been working to be his little girl again. If he can do it, I certainly can. Thanks dad!
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Learned Behaviors
My mom is convinced that my weight comes from me being unhappy. Somehow, somewhere, I'm in emotional pain, and therefore I eat my emotions. I assumed this to be true for a long time, because that's what I've watched my mom do my whole life. If she ate her emotions, I must eat mine too, right?
When I went away to college, I lost a lot of weight. I was walking everywhere, food was expensive, and I was unhappy. I spent the majority of my four years chasing after guys who knew I was chasing after them, and decided to throw me the occasional "carrot." I thought they didn't want to be with me because of my weight (which I thought was high then, but I would LOVE to be there now) and the solution to all my problems was to lose weight.
I took up running. I fell in love with it, and realized that nothing can get me through a winter in the northwest except for exercise. Running made me feel good. All my high school friends noticed when I returned for summer break that I was considerably smaller. I swear my own mother treated me different (better). I was able to run 4 miles a day, yes. I was able to pick out any clothing item I saw and have it look great on me. I was comfortable in a bathing suit. But my head? My head was CRAZY. I did not in anyway have my shit together as it appeared from the outside to those who are prejudiced.
I graduated from college and my whole lifestyle changed. I was much less active since I drove a car in Seattle and did not walk everywhere. I had a job and was not able to go for runs whenever I wanted. I discovered Thai food. Anyway, I'm not going to go into all the factors that got me here today, but I will say one thing, my head is nowhere near as crazy as I used to be in my college days. I am so much happier and even-keeled.
So now when my mom starts picking on me for my weight and tells me I'm unhappy, I can't help but be annoyed. Its just not true. One day it dawned on me. Could it be that in my 18 years of living at home and watching my parents habits I was just a casualty? I don't suffer from the same emotional things they base their eating off of, but I just picked up their habits. I like to think of it as growing up watching my parents smoke cigarettes my whole life, and then when I'm 25 and on my own, my parents getting all upset at me for being addicted to cigarettes! Uh, "I learned it from watching you!!!"
I know, I'm an adult, capable of making my own decisions, but I think our base of learned behaviors is what we fall back on. In college, I didn't realize it, but I was doing pretty much the opposite of what I had seen my parents do. Hence the weight loss. As I became more happy, I got comfortable, and fell back on what I knew.
This opens up the door for days of discussions on learned behaviors, genetics, nature vs. nurture, etc. I could have a whole blog dedicated to just such information. I only wanted to touch on it here, because for my current journey forward it is important to have some background. To look at what has worked for me in the past, and to get an idea of what shaped me. Literally.
I'm not going to throw my life under the bus so I can be unhappy and lose weight. Just being thin is not all there is to being healthy. I need to figure out how to change my learned behaviors so that the happy me does not result in a fat me.
When I went away to college, I lost a lot of weight. I was walking everywhere, food was expensive, and I was unhappy. I spent the majority of my four years chasing after guys who knew I was chasing after them, and decided to throw me the occasional "carrot." I thought they didn't want to be with me because of my weight (which I thought was high then, but I would LOVE to be there now) and the solution to all my problems was to lose weight.
I took up running. I fell in love with it, and realized that nothing can get me through a winter in the northwest except for exercise. Running made me feel good. All my high school friends noticed when I returned for summer break that I was considerably smaller. I swear my own mother treated me different (better). I was able to run 4 miles a day, yes. I was able to pick out any clothing item I saw and have it look great on me. I was comfortable in a bathing suit. But my head? My head was CRAZY. I did not in anyway have my shit together as it appeared from the outside to those who are prejudiced.
I graduated from college and my whole lifestyle changed. I was much less active since I drove a car in Seattle and did not walk everywhere. I had a job and was not able to go for runs whenever I wanted. I discovered Thai food. Anyway, I'm not going to go into all the factors that got me here today, but I will say one thing, my head is nowhere near as crazy as I used to be in my college days. I am so much happier and even-keeled.
So now when my mom starts picking on me for my weight and tells me I'm unhappy, I can't help but be annoyed. Its just not true. One day it dawned on me. Could it be that in my 18 years of living at home and watching my parents habits I was just a casualty? I don't suffer from the same emotional things they base their eating off of, but I just picked up their habits. I like to think of it as growing up watching my parents smoke cigarettes my whole life, and then when I'm 25 and on my own, my parents getting all upset at me for being addicted to cigarettes! Uh, "I learned it from watching you!!!"
I know, I'm an adult, capable of making my own decisions, but I think our base of learned behaviors is what we fall back on. In college, I didn't realize it, but I was doing pretty much the opposite of what I had seen my parents do. Hence the weight loss. As I became more happy, I got comfortable, and fell back on what I knew.
This opens up the door for days of discussions on learned behaviors, genetics, nature vs. nurture, etc. I could have a whole blog dedicated to just such information. I only wanted to touch on it here, because for my current journey forward it is important to have some background. To look at what has worked for me in the past, and to get an idea of what shaped me. Literally.
I'm not going to throw my life under the bus so I can be unhappy and lose weight. Just being thin is not all there is to being healthy. I need to figure out how to change my learned behaviors so that the happy me does not result in a fat me.
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