Today is the first day in quite some time in which I feel like I'm digging myself out of this hole. I am making progress, and just today I see that I'm not going to be this size forever. My jeans are looser. I looked at myself in the large bathroom mirror at work after I changed into my workout clothes and I didn't hate what I saw. I still have a ways to go, but I can actually see changes.
In some ways being uncomfortable with my weight is a comfort. It is what I know. I know what clothes to wear to best "mask" it. I know to avoid looking in mirrors and being caught on camera. I avoid clothes shopping. I've learned to just get on with my life at a larger size because at times if just feels like I will be that way forever, so I might as well live my life. Well, it isn't until I start losing weight that I see how permenent it felt at the size I was at; how used to it I was that my clothes were ill fitting, and how far my stomach would stick out. Once those things go away, I also realize how much I don't want to be that size anymore/or again. I have no idea if that makes sense. I just know that today was a break-through day, mentally.
I know its cliche to say, but I didn't get this way overnight, so I'm certainly not going to un-get this way overnight. It is nice to see that hard work pays off. None of this is new, just a great reminder to myself to stick with it, trust myself, trust what I know.